Feet Don't Fail Me Now.

I opened my mouth and shut it again, not exactly knowing what to say. How are you supposed to explain to someone that your father sexually abuses you, let alone to a practical stranger? It was an uncomfortable subject at best.

Patrick shifted in his seat. “I mean, you totally don’t have to tell me. I understand.”

I felt bad, though, intruding on this person’s life and then giving them no reason for it. He was entirely going out of his way to help me out, and I felt I at least owed him an explanation. So I sucked it up and shrugged. “That’s alright,” I assured him, tugging a loose thread on my sweater. “I’d be curious, too.”

Patrick bit his lip, waiting for me to continue.

I sighed. “So my dad has been raping me. For…a while. And uh, I kind of couldn’t take it anymore. So I took off without thinking and ended up at Jakob’s house at like three in the morning. And then I guess I ended up here with you.”

I looked over to see his mouth slightly agape, seeming somewhat speechless. I returned my gaze to my lap and cleared my throat anxiously.

Patrick swallowed. “I…I’m really sorry, Pete.”

I shrugged again. “It’s not your fault.” A tense silence set in for a few minutes before something dawned on me. “Wow, um. I feel like a total dick now,” I said, face-palming.

“Why?”

“Because I never even thanked you for taking me in.”

“Oh.”

“So, um, thanks,” I said sheepishly.

Patrick blushed a little. “No, no, don’t even worry. And, um, you’re not a dick?”

I smirked. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” It was quiet again until he said “So TV.”

“…Yeah?”

“I have it. And we could, uh, watch it. If you wanted.”

I had to suppress a laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” I smiled. “I’m just not used to people being nervous around me – it’s usually the other way around.”

“I’m not nervous,” he huffed. “I just don’t entertain much. I didn’t want to bore you.”

“Never mind,” I laughed. “The TV was a good idea.”

He grabbed the clicker and switched on the flat-screen. “Is there anything you want to watch?”

“Nah, you pick.”

We ended up watching some program on Animal Planet about Emperor penguins. Patrick still looked uncomfortable. He should have been leaned back with his feet kicked up on the coffee table, not hunched over and uneasily tapping on his thigh. Come to think of it, the tapping was actually kind of distracting.

“Stop that,” I said.

His hand stilled. “Stop what?”

“Being so nervous in your own house. You’re making me feel like a robber or something.”

“Sorry,” he sighed and relaxed a little. “Like I said, I’m just not used to having people over.”

“Well don’t worry so much,” I told him, “you’re a great host.”

He blushed a little more, “Thanks,” and turned his attention back to the TV.

I got a bit caught up in listening to the mating rituals of Emperor Penguins when a buzzing in my pocket broke my focus. I fished out my phone and checked the screen – it was a text from Jakob.

Hey bby, it read.

It was comforting having someone familiar to talk to, even if I hadn’t really met him that long ago. I quickly tapped out a reply. Hey.

How’s everything going at Patrick’s?

Gd. He seems rly nice.

He is, hun.

I smiled a little at the affectionate name. How r things @ ur house?

Can’t complain.

Thats gd.

Uh huh. What’re u 2 up to?

Watching tv.

Don’t tell me he’s making you watch stuff about penguins.

I cocked an eyebrow. …does he do that a lot?

Kind of.

Huh. Weird.

But TV is TV, I guess.

I guess. What r u doing?

Hmwk :(

Aw, poor bby.

I kno. Come save me?

I dunno, man. hearing abt the average weight of adult male emperor penguins sounds more
appealing.

Pfft. So ur choosing my cousin’s company over mine?

I just might be.

Well geeze, I can see when I’m not wanted:P

Ur a goof.

I kno. I’m gonna turn in, k babe?

Alright.

Tty in the morning?

Sure.

K, night. I love you.

I stared at my screen and bit my lip. Gdnight.

“Everything okay?”

I jumped a little, remembering I wasn’t alone. “Oh, uh. Yup, fine.”

“Was that Jake?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded. “Have you guys been dating for a while? I don’t remember him mentioning you before.”

I shook my head. “I kind of only met him a few days ago.”

“Geeze, eh. You guys move fast.”

“Uh….”

“No, no, I didn’t mean-” he paused to face-palm, cheeks turning red. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

I smirked at his embarrassment. “I know.” I could tell he was trying to keep quiet so he wouldn’t say any other awkward things, but I think that made me feel more confident. For once, I didn’t feel inferior – in fact, I kind of felt like I had the upper hand. Feeling bold, I tried to keep our conversation going. “So.”

“So….”

“How long have you been teaching at my school?”

“It’s only my first year, actually.”

I hummed. “That would explain why I haven’t had you yet.”

“I guess so. This is your senior year, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” And what a great year it’s shaping up to be, I felt like saying, but I didn’t want him to think I was some melodramatic teenager.

“Are you going to go to college after?”

I sighed. “Honestly? No.”

“No?”

“No,” I confirmed.

Patrick knit his eyebrows together. “Why not?”

“Because I know it would be a waste of time. There isn’t a career out there that appeals to me.”

“So what does appeal to you, then?”

I shrugged. “I like music, and writing. But that doesn’t really pay the bills.”

“That’s not necessarily true.”

“Come on,” I scoffed, “let’s face it – most people have a slim chance at making it in the music industry, let alone a kid like me.”

He chewed his lip contemplatively. “I don’t know. I mean, you shouldn’t give up on your dreams. It’s better to be moneyless and happy than well off and waking up every day to a job that you hate.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

He smiled sadly. “No. No, I don’t hate my job.”

“But you aren’t happy.”

“I….” He hesitated. I bit my tongue, worried that I had maybe prodded too far. “I think it’s time for bed.”

“Hey, I didn’t mean to be nosy,” I apologized.

Patrick smiled and waved dismissively. “It’s fine. And you weren’t.”

I decided to drop it for now and followed him upstairs. He opened the door to a spacious room and stepped aside to let me through.

“So this is where you’ll be sleeping. I know it’s not much but-”

“Believe me, it’s great,” I assured him. Anything’s better than where I usually sleep. Actually, it really was a nice room. I figured Patrick was just having one of his nervous-host moments or something.

He smiled at me. “Great, well. I’m just the next door over if you need anything, okay?”

I nodded. “Thanks again for letting me stay. I know I’m kind of intruding….”

“Hey, hey, you’re not intruding. It’s not your fault life dealt you a shitty hand.”

“It’s not yours, either.”

He bit his lip and gave me another one of those sad smiles. “What’s it all worth if people can’t help each other out?”

I frowned. There was something in his eyes just then that I couldn’t put my finger on.

“Goodnight,” he said before I could analyze him anymore, and turned to leave.

“Goodnight.” And then he was gone.

I mulled things over while I undressed. It had been an interesting day for sure. Patrick was…not what I had been expecting. When Jakob mentioned him I was thinking he’d be more along the lines of some stuffy, know-it-all teacher’s college graduate. But he wasn’t like that at all. He treated me like an equal. In fact, he almost looked to be my age, what with that angel-face of his. I, on the other hand, had always looked older than I really was. Maybe that’s why he acted all nervous around me, because he thought I was some hooligan kid dead-set on causing trouble and burning down his house or something. I chuckled at that prospect and laid down in bed.

Either way, I suppose his nervous edge put me at ease a little, knowing that I wasn’t the one freaking out for a change. It felt good. And I’d never have told him what I was thinking about my future otherwise – I just don’t typically confide in strangers like that.

But what he’d said – or rather avoided saying – about being happy troubled me. Patrick seemed like such a stand-up guy. He took me in, for one thing. And, well, I just got the feeling that he was genuine and good. I wasn’t sure why it really mattered to me, but I knew I didn’t want him to be sad. But what could I really do to change things if he was? I was only a kid who’d been roughed up a few too many times – no one who could make a difference. Still, though, it bothered me. I tried to push the thought from my mind for now and concentrated on sleeping instead. I must have been more tired than I’d realized, because for once I didn’t have to wait too long before I was nodding off.