I'm Always Gonna Be Looking Right to You

I sit at the kitchen table, the invitation firmly in my grasp as I read the paper Jack gave me about an hour ago.

‘Save the date! March 5th, 2012: Join us to celebrate the marriage of Kyle Burns and Taylor Jardine!’ it reads.

I frown at it, facing the invite upside down on the table. I hate the fancy cursive, hate the gold trim on the paper, hate the white ribbon strung through the hole punches. I hate that she’s getting married on the same beach we shared our first kiss on.

Mostly, though, I just hate the words written there. And the picture of Kyle and Tay, the way she’s gazing up into his eyes, his arms around her securely? Yeah, I hate that, too.

I rub my temples and close my eyes, sighing. Shouldn’t I be glad she’s happy? Yeah, I suppose, since it’s what I always wanted for her.

I hear light footsteps coming down the hall, and I look up to see my girlfriend, Lisa, standing there. Her hand braces against the wall, the other cradling her swollen belly.

She smiles at me, her hazel eyes sparkling immediately. Her long blonde hair is tied up in a loose bun on her head. “Hey, Lex.”

I return a soft smile, though my heart aches at the use of my nickname. It’s not the same as when Tay used to say it.

Lisa walks over, sitting next to me. I pull her up and sit her down on my lap. One of her hands goes to wrap around the back of my neck, fingers playing with the strands of hair there.

I splay my fingers across her stomach right as the baby—our baby—kicks. Our baby girl.

“I love you,” she whispers to me quietly. Lisa says it every day, and every day it pains me to hear.

It’s not that I don’t love her back, because I do, definitely. Or else I wouldn’t have started a family with her or asked her to live with me. But I didn’t FALL in love with Lisa. I found love leftover and put it towards her. I made myself love her.

Lisa is basically safe. She’s a sanctuary. I love her, but I’m not IN love with her. Not like I was with Tay anyway. With Tay, I was spontaneous, carefree, lustful, almost. That’s probably why it fell apart. It felt permanent, but it never really was. With Lisa, I know it will last. I know I won’t be broken again, because Lisa’s just as scared of being hurt as I am. It’s a careful relationship.

They say you can fall in love twice, but I’m calling bull shit on that. I know Tay was the one I loved, I just never guessed the feeling wasn’t always mutual forever. I keep hoping it will get easier to be away from Tay, but if anything, I just miss her more. I’m with Lisa now, and I love her and our unborn baby girl. But the fact of the matter is, she’s not Taylor, and I’ll never love her with the same passion. Lisa makes the pain number, makes me forget just a little bit, and that’s why she’s so safe. That scares me, honestly, being in a relationship with someone purely because it’s safe. Lisa is my friend, my rock, my girlfriend. But she’s not the one my entire heart belongs to. There will always be that part of me that cries out for Tay.

But still, I reply, “I love you, too, Lisa,” and kiss her cheek. Every day I hope the words will reach my heart, but they have yet to do so.

I feel awful, being with her when I know our views on those three words are totally different. But I’d feel even more awful alone, left to wander and wish for the one I can’t have.

Lisa smiles, kissing me softly.

A month later, our baby is born. Anna Nichole Gaskarth. She’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

A month later, Tay is married. Kyle and Taylor Burns. They were together for a year before they tied the knot.

A month later, Lisa and I are engaged to be married, even though Jack told me not to do it if I wasn’t happy. But I force myself farther in love with her every day. It’s hard sometimes, but I’m getting there.

It’s been a year since I spoke to Tay in that diner.

Two and a half years since I met Lisa. Nearly seven years since I met and fell in love with Taylor Jardine.

‘It’s hard to be in love sometimes. It’s even harder to love someone who doesn’t love you back anymore’, I think as I stare at the Burns’ “save the date” photo again. I look to my right, Lisa sleeping in the exact spot Tay was the last time I had these thoughts. Those long two and a half years ago, when Tay decided enough was enough.

I sigh, turning out the lamp and laying down on the bed. I throw an arm around Lisa, slowly giving in to my heavy eyelids as I wonder how Tay’s been sleeping.