Hide the Truth From My Eyes

I ran in the hospital for the second time that day. The blonde receptionist saw me rushing to her and frowned.

"My friend! Ian Watkins! He's just been brought here! His brother is on the way! I need to see him please! He's my room mate!"

I surely looked crazy. Did I care? No.
Definitely no.

I was redirected to the emergencies. Relocated to a chair in front of a room I assumed was Ian's. Soon Jamie burst into the corridor, panting. He leapt into my arms and I hugged him tightly, burying my nose into his shirt. 
Bless him, this guy was like my brother.

We waited. We waited so much. I remembered Mike was just a few floors higher, but right now Ian was the priority. 
A doctor finally got out of the room. We turned towards him, with pleading eyes. He started to explain.

"Well... He had a very scary panic attack. To sum it up to you, his trachea blocked and he suffocated. His heart even stopped for a few seconds."

Throw a thousand bricks at my face, same effect. I clasped my hands on my mouth.

"Oh fuck."

"He had stopped breathing, happily, one of his colleagues had the good reflex and gave him a cardiac massage, it saved him. He had two attacks more in the ambulance, he's under Lorazepam. Do you know what could have caused that?"

I glanced at Jamie who was chewing his lip anxiously, before refocusing on the doctor.

"Well... He's been overstressed lastly... His boyfriend has been infected by that epidemic, we have no news, he hadn't seen him in a month... Also he never sleeps. I mean I haven't seen him sleep in a week really. He just works, and works, and works. He eats a bit..."

"This explains it. His tension is very low. The stress would explain his attacks. Well, for now his organism is weak. His body hasn't got enough nutriments nor sleep to carry on anyway. We're keeping him a day over so he can recover, but you'll have to watch out for him."

I put my head into my hands.
I knew something like that would happen. 
It was my fault. I knew that he was getting himself in danger behaving like that. Though, I didn't do anything.
He's like Sean, he doesn't know his own limits. 
Sean. That was the one and only reason Ian was fucking himself up. It had always been.

"Can we see him?" I asked.

"Yes, but not for too long."

I nodded and he opened the door to us.
Ian was sitting on the bed, leaning on the pillows, an IV line plugged into his arm and nothing else. I went to sit near him.

"Hey bro."

"Hey." he said.

"You feeling better?"

"A bit. Still tired. Still nauseous. You saw Mike?"

"Yes but he's out of purpose. Ian, you almost died, your heart STOPPED!" 

"Yes but I'm alive now!" he cringed.

He would never understand.

"You stopped breathing, you had a cardiac arrest, the most important is you. Ian, do you know why it happened? Because you never sleep! You never eat! You work too much!"

Silence.

"...I'm always thinking about Sean." he murmured. "It's the only way I can get away from it."

"Starving yourself? Dying of exhaustion? Tell me if that's going to fucking change something!" I growled.

"I don't know!" he almost screamed. "YOUR boyfriend is okay!"

"Don't you think I've suffered too?! It's been as hard as it is for you! My hair turned white! And all that went on inside my head Ian, it was making me go CRAZY! And Jamie and you aren't making it better! Jamie... Jamie wants to die, and... You... You were fucking going down and down, you don't remember but you were so drunk one night you actually tried to suck me off thinking I was Sean! Just because Mike is okay now doesn't mean I haven't token it up the arse and you know what I mean!"

Ian frowned and his eyes fell to his lap.

"I still hurt, E. Seeing you there...yeah, yeah it hurts. And knowing Mike is here and I can't see him, it hurts. Knowing Sean and Lee, who also happen to be part of my best friends, can die at any moment now, IT, HURTS!" I whimpered.

Ian continued to stare at his lap. 
It took me a bit of time to realise he was crying. I sighed and put my hand on his shoulder.

"E..."

"No... No, you're right, I've been selfish and stupid. I... I should have known, I..."

"Ian, the problem is not that you should have known. It's that you have to know, now, that you're putting your own life in danger. Do you understand?"

There was a pause and Ian finally nodded.

"Yes."

Someone knocked at the door. Jamie, who was still standing near the exit, opened it. The doctor stepped in, soon followed by...

"Mam!" Ian shouted.

"Calm down Ian, don't do to much..."

The short blonde woman walked towards the bed. I stood up to let her take my sit, and she smiled at me.

"Hello, Stuart. Oh and hello Richard, I didn't see you in your corner."

"Hello Mrs Watkins" I smiled, soon imitated by Jamie, who looked quite disappointed that she still hadn't picked on the fact he hated the name Richard. 

Jamie approached from the bed and gave Ian a hug. I joined him. Ian chuckled. 

"You all are cheesy buggers."

"He'll be okay. You'll see." I smiled at him.

He nodded.
Maybe he's understood this time.

--

My eyes fluttered open. I was laying on the couch, in the house, and the TV was on. It was pitch dark outside. I must have had fallen asleep while watching some dumb programme. 
I blinked a few times, progressively getting used to the lack of light. That's when I noticed him. He was knelt down in the glare of the TV, naked, his back heaving with sobs. 

"Jamie? Jamie what the fuck?" I asked, my jaw dropping, getting on my feet.

He didn't answer, his petite frame shaking, the sound of his crying filling the room. I slowly walked around the coffee table and reached him. 
He was really all naked.
But something made me jump in horror.
His hands and face were covered in blood. In front of him, lay the frame of the picture of Lee and him in Ynys, shattered in pieces, shards of glass everywhere on the ground, some of them stained in blood. 

"Jamie..." 

"Stu... I broke it..." he sobbed.

There was this weird slur in his voice...

"Jamie, are you on drugs?"

"No...I'm not, Stu."

"Jamie..." I murmured, worried.

I took his wrists, my digits meeting the sticky layer of blood on his skin.

"Jamie, stand up, we're going to wash that."

He nodded and unfolded his naked body, standing up. I towered over him, he was just so short.
I led him to the bathroom and switched the light on. 
I seized his hands and washed them under the tap. He let me do willingly, limp and crying restlessly. 
The cuts were mildly deep ; he had apparently tried to pick up the pieces of glass. The blood on his face was just attempts to dry his tears. His eyes were lost and clumsy. He HAD to be on drugs. Or drunk. He's really emo when he gets drunk, and he does very strange things. 
I disinfected his wounds. 

"Jamie. Why did you break the frame?" I asked him softly, as I gave him his night boxers. 

He looked at his feet. I stared at him insistently. After a while, he signed me to follow him. I did.
He led me back into the living room, where the TV was still on, and zapped to Sky News. 

"Wait." he uttered.

I waited. Until a certain news report came.

"The mysterious epidemic that stroke South Wales and Eastern England, has had its first death an hour earlier today in Cardiff. The young man, in his mid-twenties, had been admitted a month ago, on the first day of the epidemic..."

Jamie's white face turned back at me and that's when I realised. 

It could absolutely be Lee or Sean.