Looking After You

Colors swirled around me as I floated through what felt like a cloud. Memories, pictures, sounds, and music would pop up out of nowhere only to be replaced by more swirling nonsense. None of it made any sense to me. Only a minute before hand, I had been driving with Andy. ‘Where is he…’ I thought to myself in a panic. I tried to gain footing in this nonsense world I was in, but to no avail. Everything just kept spinning and flashing like food dye being poured down a drain. Eventually I allowed myself to actually see the things floating around me. I saw my first date with Andy, us moving into our apartment, us making love the day I got the job I had applied for. Everything was so confusing. ‘Where am I? And where is Andy’ I kept thinking to myself. Eventually, the images and sounds faded and I found myself in my apartment. I was lying in Andy and me’s bed but it was like I was still floating. I couldn’t feel the texture of the sheets or the softness of the mattress under me. I couldn’t feel anything.

It was then that I saw Andy walk back into the room wearing a suit and looking completely broken. ‘Oh no…’ I thought to myself. ‘I can’t be dead…’ I thought of the last night I was with Andy, we were in the car driving to a restaurant. It all came flooding back to me then. I watched desperately as the crash took place and saw the moment that I died. I then drifted to the hospital and watched as they frantically tried to not loose Andy as well. I watched as they shocked his heart back to life, and I watched as he opened his eyes for the first time since the crash. He looked around as if waiting to see me and I had to watch as his mother broke the news that I wasn’t alive. It was then that Andy shut down. His eyes clouded over and he looked absolutely devastated. Seeing him in so much pain hurt me so badly and I couldn’t bear to look at it.

Slowly I moved back to the apartment and saw Andy curled on the couch sobbing. I stopped watching and my mind drifted back to what was happening now. I watched as Andy got his shoes from the closet and walked back into the living room. I followed him and saw our friend Lauren sitting there in a black dress. I didn’t make the effort to move, but before I knew it we were at the church. I watched as Andy got up to say something and I saw as he started to cry.

Eventually we made our way to the cemetery, and I saw everyone that I used to know stand around my grave and say their goodbyes. I looked down into the hole dug not more than a few hours ago and saw my coffin. The place that I would spend the rest of eternity, and it wasn’t even up to me. Andy threw a handful of dirt onto my casket crying the whole time. Soon after, everyone had left and the workers for the cemetery started to fill in their grave. With every shovelful of dirt, I felt as if I was getting further and further away from Andy. As if every mound of earth punctuated the fact that I’d never be able to talk to him again. Never be able to hold him in my arms and tell him that no matter what, I’d always love him. Never be able to stand behind him and place kisses on his neck as he made dinner. I felt that with every pile of dirt added on top of my body, I died again. The pain and anguish I felt was inhuman and it practically tore me apart.

I sat at my grave for hours, not being able to cry or to talk to anyone, even though the only one I wanted to talk to was Andy. Eventually I made my way back to the apartment and saw as Andy sat on the couch and stared in the direction of the TV, but wasn’t really watching. I sat next to him and put my hand on his leg even though I knew he didn’t feel it. The two of us sat there. One living, one dead. One able to do things in the world, while one could only sit by and watch. I studied his face for what felt like forever. Going through all the features I already had memorized in my brain. Except everything was different now, the usual smile he wore was now replaced by an unsightly grimace. His luscious, soft lips were now chapped from crying. His normally bright blue eyes were now dull and lacked the normal shine they had to them. Seeing the love of my life so broken and destroyed broke my heart. Soon after, Andy moved to the bedroom. I watched as he undressed and got into the bed. I followed him and lay down next to him. I watched as one lone tear fell from his eye as he tried to get warm under the covers. I wrapped my arms around him like I always did, and tried to think of reasons why this had to happen to us.