Crooked Halos

One week since I was out of solitary.

Shannon’s fucked me in the showers almost every morning.

He still hasn’t twigged that I fake it.

I don’t know what’s going on with my head, everything just seems to be so… numb… every touch that used to send shivers running down my spine, every kiss that used to set fire to the blood in my veins… it’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yeah, I’m glad to see him, but deep down, there’s nothing, just numb, frozen, like the icy glass of a frozen lake where you can look at it and say that it’s pretty, but really it’s just dead.

Shannon kisses the side of my head and I blink, watching carefully as he sets out cards for solitaire. His arm is around my waist, but I don’t respond to his touch like I know I should. My body doesn’t curve towards his, it’s just there. Like a statue.

Gerard grits his teeth, the noise echoing around the room… every noise seems amplified; the scratching of pen against paper where Jared is writing on his bed, the wet thumping of the heart of the boy next to me… each sound rips through the air and hits my eardrums, and each time it does… agony.

Frankie yawns from where he’s curled up against Gerard and I almost wince – too loud.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I was alone again.

***

Patrick toys with a forkful of scrambled egg, looking at it in an almost thoughtful way.

I take one look at the food and push my plate away.

“Not hungry, Will?” Brendon looks up from his own mountain of scrambled egg. “If you want, I could help you finish it.”

“No wonder he’s not hungry. The bitch is so skinny I can count his fucking ribs.” Jade throws his comment into the mix and I feel Shannon’s hands ball up into fists. I shoot him a meaningful glance before going back to staring at the floor, trying to count how many squares there are in each checked tile.

Gerard pushes his half-eaten food away too but it’s quickly devoured by Frankie who’s probably starving because he skipped lunch and dinner yesterday and therefore hasn’t eaten in about 24 hours.

I don’t know why I don’t eat; I’m hungry, starving, I just can’t bring myself to eat. It doesn’t seem right for some reason.

Jared glances at me, I can see his brothers concern mirrored in his eyes, but it doesn’t feel so intimidating, less intense, less piercing and I relax slightly. Ryan looks up, amber eyes dull, tired.

“You should eat something, Will.”

Shannon jumps on it. “You didn’t eat anything in solitary… Your stomach is completely empty… It might feel like you’re not hungry but that’s just your mind…” I let it fade out. The last thing I need is him telling me to eat. I’ll eat when I’m hungry.

I just shake my head, closing my eyes and ignore his rant, I know the wardens will know that I haven’t eaten, I know that if I don’t I’ll end up back in solitary, but I don’t care, I’d welcome it.

Anything but this hell. Anything.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, Shan, I’m just not hungry right now. I’ll eat when I’m hungry.”

“Eat now.” Shannon pushes the plate back towards me, glaring as I try to push it away again.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Just one forkful.” Jared looks up from his own nearly-empty plate.

I pick up the fork, looking at the way the egg dribbles butter so disgustingly, it literally glitters with fat, so sickening.

I close my eyes and push it into my mouth. I chew. I swallow. I choke.

My throat clenches around the feeling, there’s so much fat trickling down, burning my mouth.

My eyes fly open and I bolt, vomiting into the toilet as soon as I get the cubical door open, falling to my knees, feeling it all coming back up… so slowly, it burns and my eyes are watering, my body shaking with the force of the retching, my head spinning and I’m clutching the cold hard plastic as if it were a lifeline.

I let go.

My body slumps sideways, my head colliding with the tiled floor and I just feel so dizzy, so numb, nothing is clear, sounds seem to have taken on new meanings, everything seems to spin… someone punches the wall outside the cubical and I hear them let out an almost inhuman growl.

“Why won’t he just fucking eat already?”

“Give him time.”

“He’s been out of solitary for a week and so far he’s lost nearly five pounds. It’s getting ridiculous!”

I wipe my eyes on the back of my hand and ease myself off the floor, supporting my weight on the toilet and staggering out; Shannon’s arms catch me, feeling too hard, too aggressive almost.

“You okay, Will?” Jared’s blue eyes blink at me from where he’s leant back against one of the sinks.

I don’t get the answer out before people are screaming.

Jared runs out and Shannon helps me stagger back to the hall.

Back to hell.

***

People are screaming and literally climbing over tables to get away from the horrific spectacle.

The only problem is that there isn’t just one spectacle.

There are seven.

“No!” Shannons grip slackens and I nearly faceplant the floor, picking my head up just long enough to get a good look at the closest scene of destruction.

A girl, no older then ten, screaming, eyes rolling back in her head, frothing at the mouth, clutching wildly at her throat, reaching out towards her peersas if for help or comfort. They back away, tripping over themselves to get away from her. She’s crying now, her screaming so desperate, piercing, her cries, pleas, mingling with the screams, the desperate stampede for the door as she slumps backwards, cracking her skull on the cold tiles, eyes rolled back into her skull.

She doesn’t move.

“No! No!” Shannon is still screaming. “No!”

He’s trying to help one of them, one of the seven, a boy, I can’t see his face properly… until he falls, his face mask-like and so still… Patrick.

I can’t move, I can’t breath as one of the wardens pulls out his pistol and shoots the only one of seven still alive, splattering the nearby students with blood and small fragments of skull.

The following silence is almost overwhelming, everyone frozen to the spot, staring at their fallen friends.

The man sheaths the pistol, glaring openly at all of us.

“Everyone return to your dormitories and await further instruction.”

We don’t need to be told twice, Jared grabs my upper arm, hauling me to my feet and tugging me towards the door.

“Shannon…” My voice is almost lost, but Jared simply tugs harder, making me stumble.

“Come on, Will. Shan’ll come in a bit. I wanna get out of here.”

I protest feebly but I’m already being hauled up the stairs.

“Shan’s right. You have lost weight recently.”

I say nothing, my stumbled steps seeming endless until Jared stops abruptly. I don’t even recognise the door we’re stood by.

“Where are we?”

“This is the seventh floor classroom, number 729 to be exact.”

I blink uncertainly at him.

“There’s a meeting here tonight, if you’re not here then you’ll be next.” His grip on my forearm tightens until it’s painful and I whimper. He immediately releases his grip, his features apologetic.

“I’m so sorry, Will. I had to tell you. They were… they were…” He shudders violently, the movement ripping through his thin figure.

I lean against the wall, clinging to the filthy wallpaper for support or comfort – I’m not sure which – and I raise my eyes to meet his own blue ones.

They’re so torn up, for a moment I feel nothing but pity for the boy standing in front of me, his blue eyes looking so desperate, so scared I almost reach out to him, then he shakes his head and it’s like the spell is broken, I reel backwards away from him, flinching when he grabs my wrist.

“We’d better go back.”

I follow him, feeling my cheeks burn with shame when we go through the door and I’m forced to meet Shannons eyes, hurt and betrayal filling them, the beautiful blue… so like his brothers…

I fall over onto my bed, lying on the sheets face down before I roll over onto my side, closing my eyes and waiting for the darkness to bring the tide and pull me under.

Sadly I’m not so asleep that I don’t feel Shannons fist connect with my ribs and he spits on my face.

I can almost see his tears even though my eyes are closed but I hear the words he hisses at me so clearly…

“You bitch. I trusted you.”

He leaves and I don’t even think he saw the tears that slid from between my closed eyelids, wishing my death upon me with every bone in my body.