The (Half) Adventures of Katherine and Gwain

The forest soon surrounded us, encasing us with green as we walked. Gwain had become silent, but he still held my wrist. The only sounds we heard were the occasional stick break beneath our feet and some birds chirping in the distance.

Although we were walking at a good pace, it seemed like forever. Gwain seemed to be in his own world which involved not wanting to talk to me. His body glistened with sweat, which made me more attracted to him. I was oblivious to the reason why I was attracted to him, maybe it's because he might just be the last man on earth that isn't infected with the D2H virus.

"God damn it, bitch! KISS ME!" I grabbed Gwain by the shoulders, pressing my lips to his in a very eager kiss.

"Hm!" came his muffled response against my lips. His hands instantly flew up to my arms, a reflex I didn't quite understand, but didn't exactly care about. Slowly, his lips moved with mine and his hands crept toward my waist. This feels nice, I found myself thinking. My hands moved to touch his HEHE MAN-BOOBS!

"AH, WHAT THE FUCK YOU PERVERT!" he exclaimed in his Southern accent, pulling away with a girly voice.

"What, I thought you liked me!?" I exclaimed in a manly voice.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Jen cried once she logged on to find what Lizzeh wrote.

"Look, Jen, 'tis man titties!"

"..."

"LOOK!" Lizzeh pointed to Gwain. Gwain and I stood there, rather confused as to whom the hell these people were.

"Where the fuck did y'all come from?" Gwain glared at the new intruders.

"YOUR DONKEY'S BUTTHOLE!" Lizzeh exclaimed, hiccups covering up her laughter.
The drunken retards continued on through the forest laughing at the confused people left behind.

"Well, um, that was quite some kiss," Gwain said awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

"DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE IN FRONT OF ME, CLARK!" a random elf exclaimed.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE COMIN' FROM? THIS AIN'T ALICE IN FUCKING WONDERLAND WHERE SOMEONE FALLS DOWN A FUCKING DAMN HOLE!" Gwain stuck his middle finger up to the sky.

"Bitch, you should try these mushrooms," a unicorn said, sporting a pair of dark sunglasses.

"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" I exclaimed, ripping a hole through the story and climbing out.

"WAIT, DARLIN'! TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Gwain exclaimed, "I DON'T WANNA BE LEFT ALONE WITH THESE FREAKS OF NATURE!"

"EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!" I exclaimed, closing the hole back up. Turns out, I wasn't completely out of the story. No, I was in the cave with the effing bear-guardian-thing. WHAT A TWIST!

"IMA EAT CHUUU!" cried the bear as it ran full sprint towards me.

"FUCK THAT!" I yelled running further into the effing cave.

I heard some gargling noises coming from behind a door in the cave, and I pushed the door open out of curiousity. My jaw nearly hit the floor at what I saw.

"Hey, where ya been?" Gwain asked me as he spat toothpaste into the sink of this random bathroom.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?"

From the distance I heard the bear still chasing me "COME BACK, BITCH, MY BED HAS YOUR NAME ON IT!" I shivered at the thought of what would happen so I ran into the bathroom and closed the door, locking it.

"Ah, so ya wanted some alone time eh, sugar?" Gwain then took off his shirt and unbuckled his pants.

"YIKES! PUT IT BACK ON, MAN! THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR NAUGHTY THINGS LIKE THAT!"

As Gwain stripped he slowly walked closer towards me. I heard the bear outside, "Come here, little kitty."

"Ah, what the hell, fine!"

Gwain locked his lips with mine and pushed me against the door.

'Fuck this must be a dream,' my thoughts called out.

He pulled away suddenly, grabbing my hand.

"ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! I DECLARE A THUMB WAR!" he said, moving his thumb around.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON?" I yanked my hand away and kicked his man pride. He fell down, turning to ashes. I opened the door to find the bear standing there with ropes and chains. "Oh my fucking..."

"I got chuu now little kitty, come here and play with daddy," the bear winked before pulling me out of the bathroom.

Just then, the unicorn appeared and attacked the bear.

"Um... thanks..."

"My pleasure, kitten," and he trotted off with a bunch of mushrooms in his mouth.

The bear suddenly stood up... He was a fucking zombie!

"NO FUCKING WAY, MAN. FUCK!" I ran towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Turns out it wasn't just a fucking light. Gwain stood there illuminated in sparkles, brilliant angel wings sprouting from his back.

"I'm back, baby!"

"Ew. I'd rather be eaten by a bear than be seen with some gay fairy." I kicked him in his jewels again before walking further down the tunnel.

Just then, a crash noise sounded behind me, and I turned to see the bear getting hit by a train.

"Awe man, that made my day, I wish I had a camera. That would have gotten a million hits on youtube." I turned around to see a naked man behind me.

"Im going to make you scream with pleasure," he said before throwing me on the ground and tearing at my clothes.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I screamed.

"Ahhhh, that's the sound," he laughed like a psychotic dwarf.

The only thing I could think of was...

"Wait, wait, wait. Gwain. Let me be on top, I like having control."

"Awe baby, I knew I chose you right," He laid on the ground and I stood up.

"This wont hurt a bit," I giggled and stomped on his balls. His scream sounded all through the cave, echoing and echoing.

Suddenly a man came out from a random door in the wall and said, "Behind one of these three curtains is the microscope! Choose wisely, because the other two lead to horrifying deaths! Yayy! Now choose your curtain!" he winked as 3 bright lights illuminated a stage, that wasn't there before, containing 3 curtains.

"THAT ONE!" I pointed to the one in the middle.

"Good choice, you've just won THE VERY LAST MICROSCOPE ON EARTH!"

"Oh my God, yes!" some ladies came out, handing me the microscope as tears filled my eyes. I felt like I had won a beauty pageant or something.

"Wait, seriously though? This isn't a fake microscope?" I asked the man.

"Drop it and see if it is!" I dropped the scope and watched it shatter.

"WOOO! That was the very last microscope on Earth and YOU BROKE IT! Let's have everyone give her a round of applause!" Clapping filled the cave.

"WHAT THE FUCK NO!" I fell to the ground and tried to piece it back together. "FIX, DAMN IT, FIX."

"Babe, it's broken!" Gwain patted my back.

Suddenly... from behind one of the closed curtains came a voice, "Dorothy, all you have to do is click your ruby red shoes and say 'There's no place like home!' 10 times." I threw open the curtain to find the wizard of OZ standing there in green cloth.

"My name's not Dorothy... and I don't want to go home... I just want my microscope fixed!"

"You need a brain? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO!" the wizard exclaimed and put his hands together.

"WHAT THE FUCK MAN, NO, I DIDN'T!"

"So you wanted some courage...?" he looked dumbfounded.

"NO!"

"WELL I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! LET'S ALL RIDE IN THE MAGIC HOT AIR BALLOON!" He called out.

"NO, GOD DAMN IT! I WANT MY MICROSCOPE FIXED!"

"What's a mi...micro.... mahcrop.....micasopp...miciscooo.." a small voice asked from the darkness.

"I think ya mean microscope," Gwain cut in.

"SHUT UP, NAKED FAGGOT!" cried a little kid kicking Gwain in the balls for the hundreth time today.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK!" Gwain fell down, clutching his family jewels.

"I SAID SHUT UP, FAGGOT!" the kid continued to kick and beat him. Gwain's wings melted off, and his face turned red, then to green. All of a sudden, his head exploded.

"WHOA, COOL!" the kid exclaimed, continuing to kick him.

"Damn, this story promotes violence and abuse, and everything!" I shook my head, taking this as my cue to leave the cave, the shattered remains of a microscope in my hands.

"I know a person who can fix that!" the old lady from way back in this story returned, her belly fat jiggling.

"Um... you do...?" I averted my eyes, feeling repulsed by the sight of her.

"Hell yeah, my skanky homeslice!" she put her smelly arm around me. I gagged.

"All yee have ta do is TAKE A RIDE ON MAH DISCO STICK!" she ripped off her remaining scraps of clothing to reveal that she was not a female... but a man... who had a boob job.

"AH FUCK. GWAIN? Oh.. wait, he's dead." I kicked the.... man-a-he-she? in the balls and ran down the tunnel. It suddenly ended revealing a thick, bright yellow mass of trees, with bunches of fairies darting about here and there.

"Come play with us you whore, come play with us!" they called out to me.

"Fuck no." They began to tear at my hair.

"HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!" Gwain's voice suddenly called out as he swung from vine to vine like Tarzan, but completely naked.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" he suddenly picked me up in his arms and carried me to a treehouse full of dynamite.

He planted me on the ground and demanded I take off my clothes so that we could get married and make babies.

"IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE, SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!" he demanded.

"..." I stared at him blankly. "Why aren't you dead?" I asked bluntly.

"Bitch, I took the unicorn's advice and ate the magic mushrooms."

"Ah.... I... um, see?" I then proceeded to kick him in his pride rocks and jumped out of the tree house.

"COME BACK MAH LURVE! WE NEED TO REPOPULATE THIS FOREST, SO COME BACK TO MYSPACE SO YA CAN TWITTER MAH YAHOO 'TILL I GOOGLE ALL OVER YER FACEBOOK!" He came after me clutchin' his rocks.

"EWW YOU DEMENTED FREAK GET AW-" I was suddenly propelled into his arms from a trap he had created.

"I knew ya would come back ta me," His grip on me was rock solid. I couldn't break away this time.

"BABEH COME BACK, YA CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME!" a tree sang as Gwain spun around with me in his arms.

"Put me down!!!"

"Not till you make me google all over your facebook!" he winked and spanked my ass.

"...Fine," I handed him a laptop, and opened the internet.

"...? What is this contraption?"

"Tis a computer, mah frand." I typed google into the url box, looking for my facebook page. "Here. Now you've googled my facebook. Can you let me go now?"

"...I 'spose," he dropped me on the ground like I was some kind of garbage and strolled away.

"What the fuck just happened?" I stared as his chisled ass shook as he frolicked away.

"Shakin' mah ass, babeh~"

He suddenly stopped mid frolic and turned to look at me.

"But wait!" he said as he ran towards me, his pole jiggling.

"We still need to repopulate the forest!"

"GOD, NO!"

"You called?" a godly voice floated down from the heavens.

"HOLY JESUS!"

"What?" another godly voice called down from the sky.

"BRUCE ALMIGHTY!"

"Excuse me?" another voice called out.

"How 'bout we stop calling names, ehehe, and get on with the baby-making?"

"FUCKING SATIN!" I ignored Gwain, and suddenly a large piece of fabric fell from the sky.

"I should get paid for this," the fabric complained.

"I SAID SATAN!" the fabric suddenly caught fire.

"WHO WANTS TO DIE!?" a punkish voice called from below.

"Gwain does," I whispered and looked away, whistling.

"BABIES!" Gwain said, foaming at the mouth with a crazy look in his eye.

"OH NO! GWAIN'S A ZOMBIE!"

"Nah, he's just having a seizure," God said, and Gwain started having spasms, so indeed he was having a seizure. He fell to the ground and shook all over the place then died... again.

"HIGH FIVE, SATIN!" the satin, still on fire, flew towards me and grew a hand. "I MEANT SATAN!" Satan burned the fabric up and hopped down from a tree.

"High five m'lady," he bowed and high fived my forehead. "Should of had a V8!"

"Stupid son of a bitch," I grumbled.

"HEY, MY MOTHER WAS NOT A BITCH!"

"Suuuuure..."

"Actually, she wasn't a female dog," God called down.

"Yeah, she was a damn cow," I retorted.

"That's it!" Jen stormed back in. "God, Jesus, Satan, go to your rooms! It's WAY past your bedtime!"

"Fuck you, Jen, fuck you!" Suddenly Lizzeh came and grabbed Satan, bitch-slapping him.
Gwain came back to life again, suddenly, as if he had consumed some effed up magic mushrooms again.

"WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK TO LIFE!?"

"BITCH, STOP KILLING ME!" Gwain shoved me into the tree and killed the gods surrounding us. "Now, let's get going, because I found out a way to fix this microscope while I was dead." He grabbed my wrist, clothes suddenly appearing on his body. I stopped mid-stride and gawked as the scenery changed into mountainous hills.

"What the ...."

"Don't question the works of the writers," he yanked my hand, causing me to tumble down the large hill before us.

"FUCK, YOU'RE A CLUTZ!" he called as I fell, seeming not to care if I was alright or not.
As I fell, I saw Lizzeh sitting on a stool and painting bright yellow sunflowers. The hell? I thought.

"Yo, bitch!" she called to me. "You're ruining my picture," she stated bluntly.

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" a robot screamed from out of nowhere.

"OH MY GOD, GIR!" I exclaimed as I fell.

"I LIKE CHOCOLATE BUBBLEGUM~" Gir exclaimed.

"...-thy... Kathy... Kathy, wake up!" Gwain exclaimed, shaking me.

"FUCKING UNICORNS!" I jolted awake and looked around. "Wait, what the fuck?"

"What do ya mean, unicorns...?"

"The....ther.... wait you mean that was a dream?" I stared at him blankly. His voice suddenly grew eerily deep and he began to morph.

"Kathy.. Kathy..."