Kiss Me and I Bleed

When we got to the hospital. They actually let us in the room Leslie was in because she wasn’t actually about to give birth yet. The doctors said she still had a while to go before the baby was ready. I hated seeing her in so much pain though. One because she was my sister, and two because that would be me pretty soon. It was kind of awkward watching Jace comforting her too. I really hate to admit this, but he was doing a fucking fantastic job. I could tell that he really did care for her and loved her, and that made me kind of feel a little better about him. I could also tell he was really nervous too, and then I realized we were kind of going through similar things. He wasn’t actually pregnant, but we were the same age and we were both about to have kids. My parents got there a little bit later than we did. Just like I thought she would. My mom totally didn’t notice I was in the same room. Instead Leslie was here number one priority. While mom was all over Leslie dad actually came over to where I was sitting. I got up and hugged him, and I held him for awhile. He was my dad. I would never deny that he was there for me through everything, and if I couldn’t talk to anyone else he was always there. “How are you hija?” He asked.
“I’m fine daddy. This is kind of making me nervous, but other than that I’m fine.” I answered.
“I’m not really talking about that. I’m talking about the other thing. Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.
I shook my head. “No not right now. I don’t want to talk about it again until we can talk to Nathan too.” I lied. I didn’t ever want to talk about it again. There was not point in talking about it anyway. Talking about it wouldn’t change what my mom did. Or that she kept it away from me for so long. Or that she freaked out on me for what I was doing because she felt guilty because of her own mistakes. I dad nodded. He looked kind of tired and a little worried. I leaned up and hugged him again. “I’m ok daddy. You don’t have to worry about me.” I said. “Go and talk to Leslie.” He nodded and did what I told him. When Noelle came in the room. She smiled at me, and walked over to Leslie. Then she told us that it was almost time for Leslie to start pushing, and she would have to choose two people she wanted to be with her. Of course she choose Jace, but mom and I were surprised when she also chose me. “Why me?” I asked.
“Yes why her?” My mom agreed. Leslie looked at mom a little annoyed.
“Leslie thought it was good to let Nicole see this so she knows what to expect.” Jace explained. I could tell mom was about to say something else but she was interrupted by Noelle.
“Ok we need the rest of you to move out quickly. Nova really wants to be born, and I’m pretty sure Leslie wants this to be over with as soon as possible.” Noelle said. Everyone else hugged Leslie before they left, and than it was just me, Jace, Leslie, Noelle, and a few other nurses. I went over to Leslie, and she squeezed my hand. About a half a hour later Nova was born. I was shocked by how pretty she was even though she was just born. She looked like Mom. She had deep brown eyes and she had a head full of dark brown hair. I even thought her cries were beautiful. Jace was allowed to cut the cord. I was the happiest I had been all day. I was barely around Leslie when she was pregnant ,but I couldn’t stop myself form playing with her little fingers and toes. When everyone was allowed to come back inside everyone else fell in love with her. Everyone was fighting for their chance to get to hold her. I waited tell Leslie fell asleep. By that time almost everyone had left, and I it was just me, Leslie, and Nova in the room. I could tell that she was starting to cry and Leslie was really tired. I picked her up, and sat down on the chair next to Leslie’s bed. I thought about all the things that had happened today, and how everyone was so happy and how Jace was so happy that day. I could feel tears starting to fall down my face. When it was time for me to have my baby not everyone would be happy, and one person would get hurt, and that’s not what I wanted. I wanted my day to be just like this, but I knew that it wouldn’t. I sat there crying and holding Nova. There was something kind of comforting about holding her. It felt kind of right. Like she trusted me with everything I did. That’s when I realized that I actually could take care of my baby, and that I’d actually be a really god mom. We didn’t leave until a nurse came by and told us that we had to leave. When Leslie was allowed to come back home I spent most of my time going over to her house, and helping out. I was actually really good with Nova, and she never cried when I held her. Stephanie, Morgan, and I dressed her up and every piece of clothing she had and took a bunch of pictures and sent them to the guys. When the guys came back. I wasn’t surprised that I missed Mike, but I was kind of surprised by how much I missed Tony to. I didn’t care what anyone thought when I hugged him when I saw him. When I kissed Mike I could tell it still hurt him to see that, but he was kind of getting used to it. When it was time for my ultrasound it was a lot less awkward and tense than the last time. Being around Nova so much kind of made me a little bit excited about having my own baby, and I was really excited that I would fine out the sex of my baby today. When Noelle walked in the room she also noticed that it was less tense too. “Are you ready to know the sex of your baby?” She asked when she was rolling the thing around my stomach. I learned that I had gained another three pounds, and my baby was strong enough that I could actually go with the guys when they toured again, but they didn’t want me to be working. I could actually hear the difference in my baby’s heartbeat from the first time I heard it. It was way louder, and the baby actually looked like a real baby. It was still small, and you could see through its skin. “I’m having a little trouble trying to find out for you. This baby can’t stop moving.” Noelle said.
“I know. The baby moves around a lot when I’m trying to sleep at night, so I end up taking a bunch of naps during the day.” I replied.
“That because you have drummer inside of you.” Mike said. I looked up at Tony, and I could tell that made things a little awkward and I felt bad for him.
“Whatever Mike. Daddy said the first thing his grand children learn to do is tattoo and play guitar. “ I said. I saw that kind of made things a little more less awkward for Tony. Which made things better for all of us.
“I think I got it.” Noelle said, and stopped moving the thing around. She pointed at the screen, and said. “Sorry Nicole, but it doesn’t look like you’ll be having a girl. At least not right now.” I smiled, and I could tell Mike and Tony were also excited. I squeezed Mike’s and Tony’s hands.
“That’s ok I wanted a boy. I just have to figure out how I’m going to break the news to Morgan and Stephanie.” I replied.
Even Noelle looked a little excited. “I’m going to get you guys some pictures, and then you can go home and tell your family and friends, Start decorating the nursery. Plan a baby shower.” She said, and got up and left. Mike reached for my face, and kissed me. I was so happy, and didn’t think about the fact that Tony was still there. I let go of his hand, so I could reach up for Mike. I didn’t notice what I did his feelings were hurt and he got and left. I was so happy, and I really missed Mike so I didn’t notice that either until Noelle came back in the room. I got the pictures, and thanked her quickly. I was trying really hard to make things as equal as possible. I loved Mike, and I really wanted things to work out with Tony. I rushed as fast as I could to the parking lot. Tony was getting ready to start his truck.
“Wait Tony.” I said. He saw me walking over, and paused. “Don’t you want a picture of the baby?” I asked.
“Why would I? I’m not even sure if the baby is mine.” He replied.
“I know but. Look at him. None of us know right now, but all of us love him so much already.” I said. I walked to the other side of the truck, and got in the passenger seat. I handed him a one of the pictures. He took it from me, and studied it. When he looked back up at me I could tell he was trying to hold back tears.
“I shouldn’t let myself get so attached. It might hurt less if the baby turns out not to be mine.” He said.
I reached over, and hugged him. By now Mike had made his way outside. Like last time. I told him Tony was going to take me home. I didn’t know if this would help at all, but I learned that talking to people about the shit going on in my head helped me.
“I think you should go to my dad’s shop.” I said.
“Why?” He asked.
I paused to look at my baby’s picture. “I don’t know. Maybe because he’s not really my dad.” I finally said. It was a lot harder to actually say that out loud. I had been saying it inside my head for weeks now. “I mean to me he’s my dad, but my mom fucked up and so now the guy who raised me isn’t the guy who made me.” I went ahead and explained everything my mom had told me, and what I had told Morgan and Stephanie. It was actually getting harder and harder to explain. “I think we both should go visit my dad. I think I have some questions I want to ask him.” I said. I scooted away from Tony, and put on my seat belt. He didn’t start the car. He only looked at me.
“Are you ok?” He asked.
I didn’t look at him and I didn’t give him an answer. I hated it when people asked me was ok. It made me feel weak. “Why do people always ask that question? How could I be ok with this?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I guess you’re right. And I think we could talk to your dad.” He said. He started the truck. I went ahead and texted Mike telling him where we were going. The last thing I wanted was for him to freak out because it took as longer than necessary for Tony to take me home, but I guess he would have a pretty good reason to be a little worried especially from the way I defended Tony today. I could tell that Tony was also still a little tense, so I grabbed his free hand and held it in mine.