Kiss Me and I Bleed

I think at first he was a little surprised at me taking his hand like that, but then like I thought it would he slowly started to relax and even squeezed my hand a little tighter. When we got to the shop Tony was half way out the truck while I still had my seat belt on and I wasn’t moving either. “Did you want to talk to him alone?” Tony asked when he saw that I was just sitting there.

I shook my head. “No. I just don’t know if I want to ask these questions.” I said. “I think maybe Mike should be here too.” I added.

“Are you just trying to buy time or do you really think Mike should be here?” He asked.

I thought about it and decided that it was both, but I told Tony that I actually thought Mike should also be here. Tony got back in the truck, and pulled out his phone. He called Mike, and told him that I also wanted him to come to the shop. After he hung up he sighed and leaned back in his seat with his arm covering his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing really. I’m not trying to sound like I’m trying to get you to love me again, but I just really like being alone with you.” He answered. I unbuckled my seat belt, and stretched over to him. I laid my head on his chest.

“I like being alone with you too. I know its still weird for you, and I hate seeing you so tense. It’s kind of quite when its just the two of us, and peaceful. Its kind of hard to explain.” I said. He moved his arm from over his eyes, and wrapped one around my shoulders.

“I get what your trying to say. Can I tell you something even though it might you upset?” He asked.

“Sure go ahead.” I answered.

“I actually hate the fact that Mike gets to go to sleep next to you every night when we’re home, and I can only dream about it. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but it really pisses me off.” He replied.

“I’m sorry about that. But look at the bright side we’re laying beside each other now. You get to hold me so close to you, and its almost the same thing.” I replied. I looked up at him, but I could tell that didn’t help.

“Yeah its almost the same thing. I’m not allowed to kiss you, and the places I want to kiss most. Or hold you the way I want to hold you, and soon Mike will be here and then I’ll have to let you go. Then I’ll have to wait until I can get another opportunity like this.” He said.

I thought for a moment. Of course he still wanted more from me, and I wasn’t helping much either but I really couldn’t stop myself and I didn’t want to stop either. This was as close as I dared get to Tony, but other than that I couldn’t do anything that would really satisfy him and I felt bad.

“I know, but you do realize that this is all I can give you. I have my own car now, and I’ll tell Mike that I want to be friends with you and I want to talk to you and want to go over to your place. And Mike’s not at the house all the time either, so you can come over just as long as you promise you won’t try anything.” I said.

“Ok your plan sounds pretty good, but what if Mike doesn’t want you to come to my place or wants you and I to be alone? And what if it was you who tried to start something with me? This isn’t helping this at all, but I don’t want to stop being around you, and this proof that you still do feel the same way.” He said. He was right, and that made me really made. I unwrapped his arms from around me, and sat back up in my seat.

“OK Tony you’re right, and I’ve actually told you that I still love you! And I’ve made it clear that I would never do anything to make Mike leave me!” I said. My breathing was starting to deepen, and I could tell that I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t let myself because I didn’t want dad or Mike to think that Tony was still making me upset.

Tony sat up too, and at first he just sat there. “I had a feeling that this wouldn’t work.” He finally said.

“No Tony it can work. We’re just not trying hard enough.” I replied.

“WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TRY ANYTHING! If you have these feeling the way you say you do than you should just act on them! If you have to try to make things work its like your trying to lie to yourself, and that’s not good for you, Mike, or Me! I know what I’m talking about because I lied to myself when I was with Stephanie. I wanted you so badly but I couldn’t break up with her, because I was afraid of hurting her. Which I did anyway when she found out about us and one day you’re going to be way to far involved with Mike and then one day your going to give in , and everything will be fucked up. I’m just trying to tell you that you need to do what you feel is right before its to late.” He said. I didn’t have time to really think about it because Mike had pulled into the parking lot. I didn’t try to move. I was shocked by what he just told me. I was angry or frustrated. I was a little confused to be honest. Tony also wasn’t moving. He did look angry and frustrated. Mike had gotten out of his car, and had opened my door. I quickly snapped out of my shock, and Tony tried to calm himself.

“Why do I need me to be here too?” He asked. I felt like this was a little less important than how I felt earlier. I told him what I had told Tony earlier. Again I was asked was I ok, and I told him I was fine. I got out of the truck and grabbed Mike’s hand. Mike and I was walking ahead of Tony. I looked back towards him, and he was starring angrily back at me. When we got inside the shop I visited my brothers at their stations and gave them hugs. Then we went back to my dad’s office.

“Hey daddy.” I said.

“Hi. What are you guys doing here?” He asked.

I thought about how I was going to say this and finally said. “We went to the doctor, and she told us that we’re having a boy.”

He looked at me and I could tell he was really happy. I pulled out one of the pictures and showed him. “I can’t wait to teach him how to play guitar.” He said still smiling at the picture. I think he finally noticed how tense things were and he added. “What else did you have to tell me?” He asked.

“I wanted to ask you some things about what happened, and I brought these guys because I think it could possibly help one of them.” I answered. My dad nodded so I continued. “I think the first thing I want to know is. Did you ever try to get in contact with my real dad?”

My dad suddenly looked tired and deeply saddened. “Your mom wanted to try and contact him, but I told her not to. I didn’t think we needed to. Before you and Nathan were born I had decided that you two were mine just like Leslie, Angela, Miguel, and Jesus were mine. And to be honest I was kind of angry with him. I didn’t think he deserved to know that you two existed, so I was able to eventually convince your mom not to try to get in contact with him.” He answered.

“But how could you have forgiven mom after she did something so horrible?” I asked. That was one of the main things I was kind of confused about, but mostly it was how could mom have done it in the first place.

“I was never angry with your mom. Just really sad and I felt betrayed. She knew what she did was wrong, and as soon as she had gotten back from Colombia she had told me what she had done. But the main reason I stayed with your mom is because I was still deeply in love with her, and I still am even though she does make bad decisions, and also couldn’t bring myself to leave my family. Don’t get me wrong though I did think about leaving your mom, but I was so in love with her that it mad me sick even thinking about how I would do it.” He answered.

“How did you know for sure that me and Nathan weren’t yours?”

My dad shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “We never did take a DNA test. I didn’t want to take one. I was even scared to take one. Your mom just knew that you two weren’t mine. The timing wasn’t right for me to be the dad, and she swore that you looked exactly like him.” He answered.

“So what your trying to say is that you don’t know for sure. You didn’t take a DNA test so you just assumed since mom says I looked like a man she slept with while she was drunk that I’m his daughter.” I said.

He shook his head. “What your saying is right, but when you two were born it didn’t feel the same as your brothers and sisters. Something just felt off. Its hard to explain but I just knew that you two weren’t mind by blood.” He replied.

“Ok, but that still just an assumption. But why now? Why didn’t you tell us earlier?” I asked.

“Honestly hija I don’t know why now. We were going to tell you two, but we were all so happy and it was easier to just pretend that none of that happened. I loved you, and you were my little girl and then eventually we just thought it would be better not to disrupt the happiness by telling you. It wouldn’t just hurt you two, but the whole family. Nobody knew about this, but me and your mom. Honestly I wish your mother never told you, and like I said your mom does stuff all the time that I don’t agree with but how could I stop her it was her secret to tell.” He answered. I felt a little relieved about this conversation, but I still had a lot of questions but it didn’t make mush since to find out the answer to them because I honestly didn’t want to know the answer. I then noticed that Mike and Tony hadn’t said a word the whole time. I didn’t know if that conversation helped them at all. Especially since I didn’t feel the way I thought I would. I said bye to my dad and brothers, and then we left to the parking lot. I could tell Tony was still angry, and that was confirmed when I hugged him and he didn’t hug me back. I slowly got in the car with Mike, and then we went home. It was quite on the way back. He was supposed to be leaving to start touring again in a couple of days, and I planned on going a little later. The whole time we spent those two days together. I was also thinking about what Tony had told me, and what was he doing the couple of days he was off.