Kiss Me and I Bleed

Noelle placed my baby boy in my arms after cutting the cord. I looked at him, and all I could see was his eyes. Tony’s eyes looking back up at me. Not only did he have his eyes but he also had his nose and his mouth. The only thing that came from me was my hair. I looked at my baby boy, and I thought my mind had to be playing tricks on me. There was no way this could be Tony’s baby. I had wished almost every night that I would be Mike’s. Maybe I didn’t wish hard enough or maybe this was some kind of punishment. Either way this was Me and Tony’s baby, and I loved him. It was quite in the delivery room except for my baby’s crying. I held him close, and tried to make him stop. I was scared to look at Mike. I was afraid of what his eyes would tell me, but I did look up at him and my heart broke. He looked at me with so much saddness and mixed with that sadness was love. Love that I didn’t deserve. I couldn’t give him the baby he wanted. The baby I was willing to give him. I looked over at Tony. He looked happy, but it was bitter sweet. It was hard to be so happy when you knew that your best friends heart was completely shattered. Still the only noise in the room was my baby. The baby that would have Mike’s middle name and Tony’s last. I finally broke the silence and whispered. “I’m so sorry Mike.”
He shook his head and replied. “Don’t be sorry.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Who really knows maybe you two conceived before we together. Its ok I’m happy for you two.” He said. But it wasn’t ok and he obviously wasn’t happy. I was getting ready to point this out, but he shook his head. “We don’t have to talk about this right now. You just had a baby. I’m going to tell everybody the good new, and leave you two alone.” He said. I didn’t want him to leave, but he actually had a point I was exhausted and I had a crying baby to take care of. When the door closed behind Mike I felt a tear fall down my check and land on my baby’s hand. I looked down at him again, and noticed those eyes again. I looked up at the guy who gave my baby those eyes. He was happy, and eve had tears in his own eyes. I was tired, sad, and disappointed. But after I looked in my baby’s eyes again and then I noticed something different. I felt safe looking in those eyes. He was happy and that made me happy. Looking at those eyes I noticed that even though the resembled Tony’s they belonged to Christopher Aiden Perry’s and nobody else. This was my baby that I could tell already loved me so much, and just for that I loved him just as much. I lifted him up, and pressed my lips to his forehead and held him that way for a moment. I looked at Tony again. “Come and sit down so you can hold your son.” I said. I scooted over so he had room to sit, and he held his arms out. His hands were shaking, but it didn’t take long before he got the hang of things. I then noticed his eyes changed, and I realized that he also had the same love as I did for him. I guess if you didn’t really know us or our situation you would say that we looked like the perfect family. Mom and Dad sitting together with there baby boy. If it was Mike there with then that would be the case.
“Thank you.” Tony said looking up at me. I didn’t need to ask him what for. I know that I had given him some part of me, but even with that thank you I could tell he still wanted more of me.
“Your welcome.” I replied. I reached out for Chris, he had stopped crying by now, and he was slowly falling asleep. We sat there for a moment longer, and then Morgan, Stephanie, Angela, Leslie, My parents, and Tony’s parents came in the room. Even though I was happy with my baby. I still wanted Mike to be there. Every one rushed over to see the knew baby. Everyone had tears of happiness in there eyes including my mom.
“Oh he’s perfect!” Morgan said when she saw him. I don’t know what had happened when Mike told everyone the news or how he had told everyone he wasn’t the father. I tried to read there expressions to find the answers to my questions, but their eyes were filled with happiness.
“What are you going to name him?” Leslie asked.
I looked at Tony. Even though me and Mike had come up with the name I wanted to check to make sure it was ok with Tony. He nodded and his eyes even lighted up when I said his last name would be Perry. Even his parents eyes lit up. Everyone wanted there chance to hold him, and I selfishly didn’t want to let him go. I made sure everyone’s hands were clean to give me more time with my baby. Then when they took him away. My arms felt empty, cold, and useless. The passed him around gently making sure not to wake him. When my mom held him I knew she was actually really happy, and here tears were honest.
“He has your hair.” She said talking to me. “But everything else belongs to Tony.” I glanced at Tony, and I saw that he looked proud but kind of uncomfortable. Eventually they handed my baby back to me. I kissed him one more time before handing him to Tony. I was so tired, and I was actually trying to get everyone to notice. Stephanie was the first one to notice.
“You guys Nicole just had a baby. I think we should give her some rest.” She said. I looked at her and sent her a silent thank you. Before they left everyone they gave me hugs and kisses including Tony’s parents, and then it was just me, and Tony again. I laid down, and watched Tony with his son before I eventually feel asleep. When I woke up Tony was gone and was replaced by Mike.
“What are you doing up? I thought you were resting.” He said when he saw that I was up. I shrugged my shoulders, and yawned. I wasn’t sleepy anymore, but my body was aching. I looked over to where Mike had been staring before and noticed my baby sleeping.
“Do you want to hold him?” I asked. I waited for a response, and Mike slowly nodded his head. I lifted Chris up gently, and passed him on to Mike. I wanted Mike to accept this baby, and needed to accept him. This was a part of me, and I would be devastated if he didn’t want anything to do with him, but Mike did still care for him.
He proved that by asking. “Did you still give him my middle name?”
I nodded and answered. “We haven’t actually sign anything, but we’ve been calling him Chris.”
“It hurts knowing he isn’t mine. It hurts a lot, but I still love him just like I love you.” He said. I leaned up and kissed him.
I broke the kiss and then I asked. “Why didn’t you come back with the others?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked back down at Chris. “I wanted to have this time alone with you. Tony’s going to be around a lot more, and I wanted to have this time with you.”
“Well have plenty of time together.” I said smiling up at him.
Mike laughed quietly to himself. The laugh was kind of scary because it didn’t really have any humor to it. It was a sad laugh. “What’s so funny?” I asked.
“Me and Tony were talking, and I told him he could stay with us for awhile so he can spend a lot of time with his son. Its only going to be that way until he can find a place that’s closer to ours.” Mike answered. I didn’t know what to say. I guess it was the right thing to do for Tony and his son. But I also wanted it to be just be me and Mike and Chris alone together. I guess my baby also understood how I felt because at that moment he woke up started crying all over again.