Something Beautiful.

I wake up on Thanksgiving morning, and it's quiet. Too quiet. I'm usually up at seven by the smell of Mom making bread and turkey, the sounds of her bustling around the kitchen and Dad compliment how nice her ass looks in her annual turkey-pajama bottoms. But this Thanksgiving neither of them are here, and it's weird. And lonely.

I told Shane Nick and I didn't go with them because our parents didn't want us missing school, but that's a lie. When they announced they were going to my mom's mom's this year, my grandma's, I was instantly given the choice of staying here. My grandma lives in the city, which has too many people, dogs, and is way to dangerous for me. So I said I'd stay behind, even if that meant my mom's family would think I'm odd and unhealthy and not stable. I don't care much what they think, I'm closer to my dad's family anyway.

Nick said he didn't want to go either, though originally the plan that I was to stay here alone. Nick didn't like that idea; he said it wasn't safe, that I couldn't spend Thanksgiving alone and I certainly couldn't be trusted in the house alone. Eventually, our parents caved and let us both stay behind. It's not like we're going to throw a huge party. Maybe Old Noah would have, but Current Noah is no way in hell getting in close quarters with a hundred, drunk teenagers.

Personally, I think Nick didn't want to go because we have this second-cousin through marriage that has the hots for him and it definitely freaks him out. Especially since neither of us can decide if she's really just a girl, or a guy who wants to be a girl, or a girl who wants to be a guy, or just a guy. Yeah, she's kind of weird.

I talked to them on the phone last night, as they've been calling every night since they left, and told them Nick and I were going to Shane's today for dinner. My mom thought that was the sweetest thing and my dad said we were moving way to fast, but either way they were happy we were getting a real meal today. They're going to be home real late tonight, and tomorrow Mom was going to make a relatively small dinner. My dad's sister's family and my grandpa were coming over, which was exciting, except Mom told me to invite Shane, Jules, and Madison over as well as any other friends Nick has. My mom said that Thanksgiving this year wasn't just for family, that it could be for friends as well, so I went along with it. I'll invite Shane tonight and I'm sure he'll say yes. He has to, I mean, I'm about to suffer dinner with his family. I don't see why anyone else would say no, anyway.

I give myself a once-over in the mirror at about eleven, not lingering on my physical flaws because I could sit here for hours doing just that. It's snowing, which doesn't surprise me, and it's like sixteen degrees outside, so I wore a pair of jeans, mocassins, a hoodie, as well as my pea coat overtop to keep me warm. I even wore a tobagen, not just a beanie, which kept my ears a lot warmer, mind you.

My cheeks were bright red and I swear I looked more like a baby than I ever have, but I have to push those thoughts aside. Sure, my insecurities have been eating me alive lately, but I'm sick and tired of letting them control my life. I can be Current Noah without being Shy, Insecure, Low Self-Esteem Noah. For today I can.

I walk out of my room and into the gameroom to find Nick staring at the t.v., watching some Netflix show that it super corny and badly filmed. He seems really into it, though, and I almost don't want to interupt him. I have a really serious question to ask, though, and I can't think of anyone better to talk to than my own big brother.

So I sigh dramatically, throwing myself on the couch and half ontop of him. Nick groans loudly, as my upper body lands ontop of his lap, my feet kicked in the air. His hands are trapped underneath me but I make no move to free them and that seems to irritate him a bit. Good. I love irritating Nick.

"Noah what are you doing?" He huffs, squirming beneath me and I can't help but smile. No way is he getting free.

"Nicky," I say, tilting my head up towards him and pouting. Nick looks at me like I'm a free but I ignore it. "I need to ask you something."

"Then ask me like a normal person, gosh," he huffs, narrowing his eyes. "Don't just throw yourself on me and demand my attention, whore."

"Gee, thanks," I say sarcastically, sitting up so I'm beside him rather than ontop of him. That seems to pleaase him and I decide I really hate my brother. I cross my arms and throw my legs over his lap just to spite him and I can't tell by his glance he doesn't like me, but I could care less if he likes me or not right now. "This is serious," I pout again, looking directly in his eyes.

Nick rolls his amber eyes and slouches back some in his seat, huffing obnoxiously. "Fine, I'm listening."

I stare at him, suddenly incrediably nervous. He is my brother, why would I be asking him this question? I should ask Madison, but then that makes me feel silly. She's only ever had one boyfriend other than Jules and they were freshman! So she probably doesn't even know. I know for a fact, however, that Nick has had his fair share of girlfriends, as well as girls there weren't girlfriends but might as well have been. So he should know the answer to this.

But also, I'm nervous because he's my big brother. He might like not like the fact I'm wanting to do it or thinking of doing it or that Shane and I are to this point. He might find it completely ludicrous. He could get mad too, because sometimes I don't even know if he fully supports Shane and I being together.

"Bud," Nick says, pulling me out of my thoughts. I focus in on his concerned frown and bite my lip, deciding to hell with it.

"When is a good time to make out?"

Nick stares at me for a few seconds, and then blinks slowly as if he doesn't understand. My cheeks flush in embarrassment and I look down, covering one with my hand and pulling my legs tighter underneath me. Nick still doesn't say anything and I swear he's doing this on purpose.

"When you say make out," Nick says slowly, and I glance up at him, "what do you mean?"

"Like with tongue," I clarify, scratching the back of my neck. "We've, like, kissed for a long time and stuff but we've never kissed with, um, tongue."

"Uhm," Nick suddenly looks awkward and I realize what I did wrong. Nick is straight. I'm gay and he obviously knows that I'm talking about Shane. I mean, how terrible is this for him? Not only is he talking to his little brother about making out, but he's talking to his little brother about making out with another boy. I really should have asked Madison. In the past I've gone to her to gush about dates and ask for advice on certain things because she is a girl and wouldn't be weirded out about it. I avoided Nick and I don't see why I thought this would be different. I should just- "It's different for everyone."

I look up into his eyes, the same eyes as my own, to let him know I'm listening. He gives me a nervous smile but it's also reassuring, as I realize he isn't uncomfortable that we're talking about me and my boyfriend, just a little uncomfortable because I'm his little brother and it's an awkward conversation in general.

"I mean, some people make out the first day. Some the first week. Others wait months and some don't make out at all. Then there's the ones who make out before they even get together. It's just different for everyone." My brow furrows because that was no help at all. He really sucks at this. Nick shifts and my eyes travel back to him as he gives me a curious glance. "Why? Have you and Shane...?"

"No," I say, shaking my head. I wrap my arms around my body and look at my knees. "Like I said, we've kissed for awhile but that was just lips. I mean, last night we almost..." I trail off, feeling my cheeks catch fire but Nick doesn't seem to mind what I'm talking about. Either he is an excellent bluffer or he really is just that amazing of a brother. "I told him it was too soon and I wasn't ready."

Nick nods, shrugging. "If you're not ready then don't do it. He didn't make you, did he?" He suddenly looks a little angry and way to over protective. "Did he make you feel bad or-"

"No!" I say quickly, hitting him in the shoulder and glaring. Nick doesn't look convinced so I huff. "Seriously Nick? We both know Shane would never do something like that. I think he felt awful for even trying, which he shouldn't. He's a teenage guy."

"True," Nick laughs and I shake my head. "Hey, you wouldn't understand."

"Why wouldn't I?" I ask, narrowing my eyes. Nick rolls his eyes at me and gives me an 'are you serious' look which I try my best to glare at.

"You're the one who said you weren't ready," Nick says, shifting some. "Obviously that means you don't know what it's like to be the one that really wants to make out. There's nothing wrong with it. I had this girlfriend once and she was never comfortable. I never got to make out with her but we only lasted about a month anyway."

I nod before giving him another once over, pursing my lips. "Cindy?"

Nick is a combination of freaked out and surprised, which makes me feel really proud of myself. Yeah, I pay attention to my brother and who he dates. Isn't that what good brothers should do? I don't really know in all honesty. "You remember who I've dated?" I just roll my eyes. "Crap, that means I'm going to have to remember yours... At least I only have Shane right now." I punch him in the shoulder and Nick laughs loudly, catching my wrist and shoving me backward, causing me to land on my back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. This pleases Nick, the asshole. "Is that all you wanted to know?"

I don't say anything and Nick stays quiet, expecting me to ask something else. I ponder my thoughts and how I should say this without seeming crazy or depressed, but I know what I want to say Nick will inevitably read into it. He always does that and not without cause, I mean, he did catch me cutting myself. He didn't tell our parents either so I know I can trust him, but he's so afraid that I will either go back to that habit or do something worse. Like I'm a ticking time bomb and I don't know, maybe I am. But then again I think that's stupid. I have a firm grip on who I am. My name is Noah White, I am insecure in myself, I am beginning to dislike the image I created after December, I hate the fact I can't get close to my wonderful boyfriend in fear he will discover my scars, and I am ugly. I don't think any of that is going away anytime soon, if ever, and because my belief is so firm I feel stable.

But I think Nick, and maybe even Shane, feel like I am unstable. In all honesty, coming to Comfort, Maine was the worst idea on the face of the planet, because it's taken the Noah I created while cooped up in our New York loft, and made him wonder if being so afraid of the world really is such a great idea.

"It's not that I wasn't ready," I finally say, still laying on my back, moving my feet so they lay over Nick's lap. "I mean, not really. I would love to make out with Shane. I'd love to make out with anyone, I hear it's fun."

"So why didn't you?" He sounds confused and I take a deep breath.

"We were just...sitting there kissing and he tries to deepen it. His hands were on my waist and they moved toward my back and my shirt road up on the side and I freaked."

Nick doesn't saying anything and I know he is reading bewteen the lines. He is digging into my words to figure out what they really mean, and while he does that, I slowly sit up. I move my legs off the edge of the couch and lean against the back, sitting parallel to Nick and staring at the t.v., which is on the Netflix guide because Nick's show ended a while ago. My heart is beating wildly in my chest and my hands become sweaty as I wait for Nick's response.

Finally, "You don't want him to find out about your scars."

"Of course not," I say, as if the very idea were ridiculous, which it was. "But if we get into it and hands start wandering, what's to stop him?"

Nick hesitates again, and I can feel him staring at me but I refuse to look over. "So say he does find out about your past. Who cares? It won't change the way he thinks about you."

"Of course it will," I say surely, looking over at Nick who sees sad. "Nick, I'm hideous and Shane's virtually perfect."

"He is definitely not perfect and-"

"Plus if he finds the scars he'll want to know how I got them and no one wants someone who carries so much baggage. I mean, for Christ's sake, I wear baggy clothing around and hide behind my big brother, I obviously have issues."

Nick pauses and I can hear him breathing, but I look away again. "You say that as if you wish it wasn't that way."

Shit. I should have known it'd come to this. I let out a big breath of air and shake my head. I wish I'd never even brought this up. "I like who I am," I say. "I just don't think anyone else will. Why would Shane want to be with such an ugly thing? I'm not ready for us to end because I'm enjoying it way to much. When he finds out, it will end."

"No, it won't Noah and you aren't ugly!" Nick says, and I can tell I've made him mad. I start folding into myself and try to remain emotionless, but Nick plows on. "Stop fucking saying that because it isn't true. You're doing so incrediably good and Shane is so good for you. You're starting to wear less baggy clothes and you talk more and laugh and I-I heard you sining in the shower the other day. Bud if Shane found out nothing would change expect you'd finally be starting to let go."

"Let's go to Shane's house now," I say, momentarily freaking out because he knows about my singing. The one thing that is supposed to be kept secret from everyone and he knows. Nick knowing is ten thousand times worse than Shane knowing because he's my big brother, and he's constantly trying to get the Old Noah back.

I stand up quickly, knocking my elbow into Nick's side accidentlly but I don't care. I turn around but don't look at Nick as I say we're going to be late.

"Noah," he says, but I shake my head and ignore him, staring to head towards the stairs. "I think you should tell Shane. Tell him about what happened to you, don't let him find out on his own."

"Are you coming or not?" I say in a voice that lets him know we're done. This was a terrible idea.
~

Thanksgiving dinner at Shane's house wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. First off, there weren't nearly as many people around as I imagined, and no one really talked to me. Which was good, I probably would have been to nervous to talk about. Second, Shane was holding my hand the entire time.

Sure, Nick went with us. I couldn't leave my brother alone on Thanksgiving Day, so he went and hung out with Shane's guy cousins watching football the whole time. He fits in with everyone, I swear. He doesn't even have to try. But Shane dragged me around and introduced me to everyone and when we were momentarily in the kitchen alone, he gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. He said he was so happy I came and I swear I almost fainted. Shane just had that affect; plus his hair was extra curly so that didn't hurt.

The food was fantastic, not that I expected anything less. There was ham and sweet potato cassarole and green beans and corn and homemade rolls and deviled eggs and mashed potatoes and dressing and fruit salad and- deep breath -yeah, as you can tell, it was fantastic. I love Thanksgiving, it's by far the best holiday. I managed to only eat one whole plate, and one other helping of mashed potatoes and ham, while Shane ate about three whole plate fulls of everything, plus a slice of pumpkin pie, chocolate cake, and red velvet cupcakes his smallest cousin made. He is ridiculous, but I guess because he runs it all off, it's okay. As long as he keeps the fucking sexy body he currently has, I'm happy.

When Nick and I finally leave, it's about two-thirty. We're the first, but it would have been awkward if we stayed any longer. Nick exchanged numbers with Shane's cousins and his mom gave me a hug goodbye, which was weird, but Shane's grinning face told me he was glad I hugged back. Shane walked us back to Nick's car and gave me a kiss, causing my brother to gag and exclaim we were disgusting, but Shane just laughed and kissed me again.

On the way home, it's silent. Nick doesn't say a word and I wonder what's up with him. I thought maybe he'd have gotten over our previous argument after having a good time with Shane's family. However, he just stares straight ahead and pulls up into the driveway. He doesn't get out of the car and I sigh loudly.

"Nick-"

"I'm going out," he says, cutting a glance at me.

I furrow my brow. "Again?" I ask. He rolls his eyes and tells me yes, and then waist expectantly. I grow confused. "Like, right now?"

"Yes," he huffs, rolling his eyes. "I'm going out right now."

"What are you doing?" He gives me a look like he doesn't have to answer, but I glare lightly. "You're the one leaving me alone on Thanksgiving! You were out last night and now you're going 'out' tonight, tell me what you're doing dammit!"

He seems surprised at my tone of voice and then regretful before he looks away altogether. He lets out a soft sigh and says, "Yesterday I went to a party with some of my basketball buddies, and I met this girl named Harris. She's a sophomore but she's gorgeous, bud. So gorgeous, and funny, and a little bit obnoxious but I think it's cute. Anyway, she said her family dinner wasn't until Friday so I asked if she wanted to go out. We're going to a couple movies."

I raise a brow, feeling really happy for some reason. Nick finally has a girlfriend? He officially joined the basketball team the second week of November and had been practicing, their first district game was coming up in December, and I knew that made him happy. I couldn't wait to go watch him play, there was nothing better than seeing Nick doing something he loves so much. He really enjoyed basketball, so much so he was probably going to play in college, and hopefully get some scholarships. Yeah, he was good. Like, really good. He told me they were going to put him as point guard, which was weird because he usually plays either a three or a four. He can actually dunk and not just that, banks three-pointers like his life depends on it. Our dad paid for him to go to plenty of summer camps and play in tons of leagues so I hope he's good!

Anyway, not only is he playing basketball, but he's going on a date with a girl. I know he's happy and that makes me happy, too. Like, you wouldn't believe how happy that makes me.

"A couple?" I say, grinning widely.

Nick chuckles. "Yeah. We've been texting, and she said she wanted to see Red Dawn, but I kinda want to see Breaking Dawn, so we're just going to both."

I laugh lightly, shaking my head. "You sound like Jules and Madison. The whole reversed roles thing!"

"Shut up," Nick laughs, shoving at my shoulder lightly. "It looks really good! But yeah, I should be heading to pick her up. We'll probably stop by WalMart to eat afterwards, since nothing is open."

"Don't let me delay you any longer," I say, opening the door and grinning widely. "I'm glad you're going on a date though! When do I get to meet her?"

"When she becomes my girlfriend," Nick rolls his eyes. Then he smiles sadly and says, "I don't want to leave you alone on Thanksgiving... do you want to come with us?"

"No," I say quickly, shaking my head. "I'll invite Shane over."

"Alright," Nick looks uncertain but smiles anyway. He step out of the car and he says quickly, "Bud!" I stick my head back in and give him a curious glance. He takes a deep breath before smiling gently and saying, "I love you."

I laugh. "Love you too, bro. Have a good date!"
~

At five on Thanksgiving Day, I am in the living room wringing my hands nervously. My lip is worried between my teeth harshly and my leg is bouncing and I really want to run up into my room and hide in my covers.

When Nick left, that left me to my thoughts. Thoughts about Shane and thoughts about me and I came to a conclusion. Nick's right.

No, I'm not going to tell Shane about my past and my scars, that would be the dumbest thing and he would leave me. But I am changing because of Shane, and he is really good for me. Nick said I should tell him, which I'm not going to, but I think what he meant is that I need to open up.

Sure, Shane has already plowed through plenty of my walls. He knows about my fear of dogs, knows about my dyslexia, knows about my singing, has seen me cry, and doesn't care that I hide away in his side or am super shy. I think he likes that about him.

Shane has done so much for me, put up with so much. Taken me on dates, let me snuggle up to him when I feel like, held my hand in the hallways and let me become his shadow. He does so much for me everyday, gives me a hope in people that I thought was completely obliverated. He even wrote me a poem, so it's time I finally stepped up.

I trust Shane, understand? Do you realize how big of a deal that is for me? To trust him so much that I'm about to do what I'm about to do?

And what am I going to do? Well, not only are we going to make out- I'll make sure he stops as soon as hands wander -but I'm about to sing for him. Purposefully, only for him.

It's a big deal, actually, considering I haven't sung for such a long time. At least not to anyone but my shower wall. Shane heard me that first time, but I cried after that and he swore never to tell anyone. Plus I sang Check Yes Juliet in the car that one time, and on Halloween he specifically asked me to sing for him, so I know this is going to mean as much to him as it does to me.

This is only for Shane because I don't think I will ever sing in front of people again.

There's a loud knock at the door, and before I can get there Shane just lets himself in. Not that I didn't expect him too- I told him he could. He shuts and locks the door behind him, turning to face me with a giant smile on his face that sets off an army of butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

"Hey baby," he says, wrapping his arms around me. I blush instantly because while he's called me babe before, he has never called me baby. I certainly don't mind it and honestly, I'm starting to like the fact he uses pet names like they're going out of style.

"Hey," I say softly, tucking myself into his chest. I don't think Shane knows this, but I love being held. I didn't used to always like it, but after everything that happened in December, it just sort of became like a comfort blanket. That's why Nick and I 'cuddle' so much. Being wrapped in someone elses arms gives me a sense of secruity I crave. It's like standing here, with my head on Shane's chest, and his strong arms around wrapped me, I have never been as safe as I am now.

I'm too afraid to tell him that, though, because he might find it odd. So I'll let him think I'm just a cuddler.

"I missed you," Shane says, pulling away planting a firm peck to my lips.

I chuckle against his lips before pulling away, rolling my eyes. "It's been three hours!"

"I know I'm clingy and annoying," he whines, pouting cutely, "but you're too irriestiable! I want to be around you all the time!"

I wouldn't mind that.

I don't say anything and just shake my head, pulling away and taking his hand in mine, tugging him up the stairs and to my bedroom. Shane follows me but when we get into the gameroom he stops, causing me to jolt backwards and give him a weird look. I wanted to get into my room and show him the clip of me singing so that I could get it over with, otherwise I'd worry myself to death and talk myself out of showing him. I wanted to do this, I was just nervous.

"What?" I ask, feeling myself blush. I reach up to touch my face, fearing something is on it. Shane catches my hand though and brings it away from my face, a smile so brilliant on his lips I'm afraid I'll go blind. "What?" I ask softer, still blushing.

"Nothing," Shane chuckles, shaking his head. His eyes move from my face down my body and I swear my cheeks are about to literally catch on fire. "It's just, you're only wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt and I've never seen you without a hoodie on."

I gulp as I realize he's right. I was home alone and had taken all my layers off, why hadn't I thought to put them back on? Maybe I was too occupied with making my video or maybe I was that comfortable around him, either way, I feel kind of naked. Especially since he noticed. Which is really scary because he is this much closer to my scars and I really don't like that. I am an idiot; I need to go put a hoodie on.

"Stay like this," Shane says quickly, wrapping his arms around my torso in such a tight grip, I can barely breathe. He pulls my body flush against his and I suddenly feel very hot. He rests his face against mine, our foreheads together and noses touching. His eyes close but I stay looking at him, wondering what on earth is running through that curly head of his. "I like this. I really like you."

"Shane," I say, embarrassed, trying to push him away. He won't let me thought and plants his lips right on mine, one of his arms still around the back and the other tangled in my hair. After a few seconds, when I realize he's not letting me go, I finally secure my arms around the back of his neck and kiss him like there is no tomorrow, wishing I could start out make out now, but I want to show him my video, first.

He finally lets me pull away and we're both breathing a little heavy, which is funny and embarrassing all at the same time. Shane's hands rest on my back and I rake my hands through that goregous hair, smiling as the curls fall out and on his forehead and the back of his neck. How he didn't like these I'll never know, because I adore this part about him.

"That was nice," Shane teases me and I roll my eyes, pulling away and out of his reach. He must notice my nervous look because he becomes serious quick and says, "You okay, Nos?"

"Yeah," I say, my voice cracking. I clear my throat, looking at the ground. "Um, I just...I have something for you."

Shane's eyebrows raise as he steps closer to me, reaching out to tangle on of our hands together. He smiles at me and I notice his cheeks tint pink. "Like a gift?"

"Kinda," I whisper, shrugging my shoulders. "Kinda not, I dunno. It's, uh, we've almost been together a month and I guess it's like, um... I don't know."

"Noah," Shane laughs, resting a hand on the side of my neck and pulling me forward so he can plant a kiss on my brow. I bite my lip as my butterflies flutter their persistent wings and then look up to smile at him, going on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

"C'mon, it's in my room," I say, tugging him behind me once more as he actually lets us walk into my room.

Shane looks around but he won't find it, as it's hiding in plain sight. I actually forget to put that hoodie on as my thoughts are preoccupied by my nervous excitement to show him my video. He follws me to my bed and sits on the edge when I instruct him too. I'm pretty sure my cheeks are putting a tomato to shame, but if Shane notices, he doesn't say anything. He smiles happily as I take a deep breath and pick up my laptop. I set it in his lap, where there is a video pulled up on my Webcam, but it's too dark to see anything, which is actually the material of my shirt as I prepare to press play.

Before Shane can say anything, I climb on my bed and hide behind his big body. I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and bury my face between his shoulderblades, which I think takes him by surprise, but I don't care. I can feel Shane's stomach vibrate as he chuckles and that makes me smile, though I stay hidden behind him. I definitely don't want to watch this.

"Noah you're giving me your laptop?"

"No," I say pitching his side through his shirt and he yelps lightly, attempting to turn his head to look at me, but it's futile. "Just...press play."

"Okay," he sounds unsure. "Why are you hiding behind me?"

"Idon'twannawatch," my voice is muffled by his back but Shane seems to hear me, because he chuckles and then I hear as he presses play and the video begins.

Shane watches, silent, and I imagine as he watches the screen. I pull away from the webcam on the screen and smile at the camera before clearing my throat and saying, "Okay, so, I'm too much of a pussy to do this in person and I figured on camera I could edit myself so... Um, yeah. You better enjoy this because it probably won't happen again for a long, long time." Shane laughs at that part, and then one of his hands finds one of mine resting on his stomach; he intwines our fingers and I bite my lip, wondering what he's thinking and if he is going to like this.

On the webcam I clear my throat before I begin singing Trampoline by NeverShoutNever. "And who woulda thought that a cutie pie just like you, would have anything to do with a smelly dude like me, I find it hard to believe."

Shane squeezes my fingers and I feel silly for thinking he wouldn't like my video. It's weird, listening to myself sing. I mean yeah, I've done it plenty of times. I used to post videos all over Youtube of me singing and I used to perform in front of people, but there's something a lot more intimate in making a video made for only one person's eyes.

I won't lie, I tried to impress him really hard with my singing abilities. I'm not trying to be cocky, but I know I'm good. I strayed from the original version of the song and put in my own riffs, as well as a bit of harmony compared to Christopher Drew's version. And I hit probably my highest note as far as falsetto goes, which I was very proud of afterward. For a guy, I know I have a ridiculous falsetto which I don't try and hide. I'm gay I mean, come on.

"So baby please take my hand, and you'll never be alone again." As the song comes to an end, Shane stays sitting very still. It kind of worries me but I don't move from my hiding place. I sort of like this, leaning against Shane and wrapping my arms around him and feeling his heartbeat beneath my fingertips. He also smells very nice which is a plus. Always a plus.

After a few seconds, Shane shifts. He puts my laptop on my nightstand before moving in my arms. He tucks his legs underneath him in Indian style and I pull myself up, eyes downcast. His hands find their natural resting place on my hips where he squeezes tightly, pulling me close until I'm pratically in his lap, my arms having no choice than to rest against his shoulders.

"Hey," Shane whispers, moving his head until I'm forced to look up into his eyes. He smiles at me, and he is so attractive my heart skips a beat, his hazel eyes warm and drawing me in like a fish on a hook. "I loved that so much, Noah. I just- that was the best possible gift ever. I loved it."

"I hoped you would," I whisper back, diverting my eyes. I wish we weren't so close so I could actually tilt my head toward but his face is only inches from mine. "I mean... I wanted to give you something that actually meant something."

"I know," he says quietly, pecking my lips. He pulls his face back a little further so it's easier for us to look in each other's eyes before he smiles brigthly again. "I know and I am so proud of you for making it."

My cheeks flush and I look down, asking softly, "Proud of me?"

"Yeah," Shane says surely, squeezing my hips. He rests his lips against the top of my head before speaking again. "I mean, when I first heard you singing in the shower, you were so upset and made me swear never to tell anyone- which I haven't, honestly. Then last night when you were singing the showtunes you got embarrassed and stop but now you're- your'e recording yourself singing for me and seriously, I have never had butterflies this insane in my entire life."

I blush, which I'm starting to think will always happen around Shane. I don't hesitate to lift my head though and grin widely, causing Shane to smile as well. I say confidently, for the first time in a long time, "Well that's only half your surprise."

He raises one eyebrow and grins cheekily, saying, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," I breathe before promptly pressing my lips against his, wrapping my arms around his neck and tangling my fingers in his long, curly hair. We kiss for about a minute before I press my tongue to the seam of his lips.

Shane pulls back instantly, cheeks pink and eyes wide. I bite my lip, irrationally afraid that he doesn't want this, before he says softly, "Noah, I-I thought you weren't ready? I don't want you to do this because you think I want it, I want you to-"

"Shut up," I whine, blushing brightly. Shane's brow is creased so I take a deep breath. "I am ready Shane, I mean, you make it seem like we're talking about sex," Shane blushes at that and it's honestly adorable. "I've been thinking and I want to."

"Okay," he says, unsure. "But if you-"

"Shut the fuck up Shane," I say again, pressing my lips to his. His arms move from my hips to wrapping around my back, which worries me some. I figure though that it's not just his hands, his whole arms are wrapping around me, so he probably won't be able to get under my shirt or anything. He pulls me closer but because he's sitting Indian style still and I'm on my knees it's awkward.

Maybe I'm caught up in the kiss or something, either way, I move forward and straddle Shane's lap. He makes a sound in the back of his throat that thrills me before his tongue presses against my lips and I open up, letting him come explore my mouth.

So, making out with a guy is a lot different than that girl my freshman year. For one, Shane knows what he's doing, and it isn't as sloppy and it really makes me excited. His tongue adverntures between the trench of my bottom row of teeth and my bottom lip, before circling around and then pushing past my teeth to run along my own tongue. I take a deep breath, curling my fingers tighter in Shane's hair, before reacting to his touch. I press our tongues together and he swirls them, pushing my tongue down and running the pointed tip of his own on the surface of mine and I shudder. I'm to into it to be embarrassed about my reaction, too.

Somewhere along the way, as Shane finally drops this dominant act and lets me explore his own mouth, his hands moved from my back to my hips, clutching at them tightly. I'm so caught up in the kiss, caught up in how good it feels and how I could easily be turned on any minute, that I don't pay attention to his hands. I don't care where his hands are.

Kissing Shane like this makes me forget. It makes me forget that I am Current Noah, who is afraid of people and afraid of dogs and afraid of his boyfriend finding about his his scars. All coherrant thoughts leave my mind as soon as Shane's tongue touching my own and honestly, the release from reality was amazing.

I am an idiot. I should have been paying attention, I mean, the whole thing about making out was that I was afraid of wandering hands. Or I should have told him to leave his hands in one place and one place only. I should have put a hoodie on.

Shane is leaning up against my headboard, legs now straight out. I am still straddling his legs with my hands in his hair and my chest pressed flush against his own. His hands are on my hips while his fingers begin to play with the long-sleeve shirt I wear.

I'm too busy paying attention to how good it feels to have his tongue stroaking the roof of my mouth. Because suddenly, Shane is gasping loudly. He pulls away from me, leaving me confused as we hadn't separated yet this entire time, before I realize what happened.

Shane's hand snuck it's way into my shirt, where it now rests on my bare right side.

This cannot be happening to me.