I Only Have Myself To Blame

As the caps fell back down from the toss I glanced behind me to see that face. The face I'd grown so fond of over the past five years of my life. Eighth grade up until this very moment I knew that I loved him with my whole heart but I couldn't love him. He was my best friend. We were closer that the threads of my clothes. He knew me from the depths of my soul to the skin on the surface.

"Mady! We made it!" he yelled hugging me tightly as we got to the gym of the school to meet our families.

"I almost thought you wouldn't make it. Seeing as to how your skills in history class were little to none." I said smiling. "What are we going to do with our party animal selves now that high school is over."

"I need to talk to you about that... Come back to my house with me after your party tonight?" he said brushing my cheek with his fingers.

"Alright. I guess I'll come over after my party." I said just as our parents came over.

"Look ar you two all dressed up and stuff." my mom said kissing both of our foreheads.

"Yeah yeah. The sooner I can change out of this outfit the better." his voice almost melodic sounding.

"Will we see you at the party."

"Yeah, I've just gotta go change out of this penguin suit and then I'll be over." he said turning to hug me. "Love you." he said squeezing me tightly.

"Yeah yeah. I love you too. See ya later I guess."

The ride home I had nothing by butterflies and I felt a wreck. What was he going to tell me? Would it be so detrimental to us that I'd rather die than hear it? Would he say he loves me and always has? The thoughts bombarded me I couldn't think straight the entire time as my party. It was almost as if I was becoming almost numb...

"Are you ready? No one's home at my house, my parents had to go to nana's to help take care of her since she broke her ankle and all." he said waving goodbye to my parents.

"Yeah. We can go." I said grabbing the bag I packed in case I spent more time over there than I was planning on.

"And I'll sing songs
To help me stay up all night long
Cause I don't want to go to sleep
And I'll sing a song
And I hope you're listening carefully
And know exactly what I mean
You know exactly what I mean

And I could open up my heart and let her out
And I would never have to sing her name aloud
It was your hello that kept me hanging on every word
And your goodbye that keeps me listening for your voice around each corner
It keeps me listening for you voice around each corner

It's the song you must seek out
When your night has just begun
In the distance you can find
The lips from which was sung a melody.

It was your hello that kept me hanging on every word
And your goodbye that keeps me listening for your voice around each corner
I was hanging on every word
And your goodbye
It keeps me listening for your voice around each corner
It keeps me listening for your voice around each corner" he was singing his favorite song in the world.. But he sounded different. Almost like for the first time the lyrics were killing him inside.

"Are you okay?" I whispered looking over as we pulled into his driveway.

"I'll be fine.." he mumbled getting out and heading to the steps.

I followed almost reluctantly all the way to his bed room. The walls covered in band posters and random pictures of us.

"Before I say what I need to tell you promise you won't hate me. You can leave if you want to after I tell you but I don't want you to hate me.." he said hi eyes filling with tears.

"Dear lord; if you cry right now I'm going to be a mess. It can't be that bad can it?"

"It is but it isn't. Like; I'm happy about it but it's your reaction I'm worried about. You're the only one who doesn't know yet because I've been so afraid of telling you."

"Well then tell me now. You've got my attention." I said sitting on the bed crossing my legs.

"I'm.. I'm leaving. I won't be back until God knows when and we won't see each other for a really really long time Mady.. We signed the contract for the tour and the label a week ago.. I.. I leave tomorrow." he said a few tears falling.

"You... You're leaving. You're actually leaving." I whispered fighting between yelling and crying. "How could you.. We had all these plans for the summer. You said you wouldn't leave until I went off to school."

"I know.. But what was I supposed to do.. We finally got the break we needed as a band. I couldn't say no to something I love."

"I can't say good bye to someone I love either so what do you want me to do? Jump for fucking joy?"

"I want you to be happy.. You know that Madalyn.."

"You don't get it! I LOVE YOU! I've always loved you!" I screamed completely breaking down.

"I love y--"

"No you fucking don't! I'm in love with you! I've been in love with you and now you're leaving me here like this! Don't you think you being gone for so long is going to kill me!" I said grabbing my bag. "Don't expect me here when you come home from this damn tour." I said slamming his door behind me.

As the thunder cracked loudly I made my way through town. I left a note in my mailbox for my parents saying I don't know when I'll be back but I'll when I get to where I'm going and I left town. I couldn't stand seeing him leave and I couldn't stand staying in a house or a city where the memory would haunt me every single place that I went."