Screaming in Silence

It had been a couple weeks since the revelation of Zach’s death and my first suicide attempt and I had just become angrier and angrier to the point where people had become afraid of me. I was no longer the quiet little girl that people could walk all over; I was the girl that everyone feared. Somehow word had gotten around that I was the girl who beat up Mr Foster, some people thought it was just a rumour at first but after they noticed my huge change in personality I think people started to believe it. No one had dared ask me though, not even my former friends. I'd completely tipped the scale now. I was no longer the weak little mute who wouldn't dare stand up to anyone. I was the angry, 'don't mess with me' mute chick. Even Mr Foster no longer looked me in the eye.

I was sat at the back of the classroom, angrily carving things into the desk, when a light tap came at the classroom door and a timid little freshman entered the room looking terrified.

"Um, Mr Foster?" he squeaked. Mr Foster looked up, showing off his now fading pair of black eyes. "I h-have a note from Mrs Goodall," Mr Foster grunted and snatched the note from little Bambi, his knees shaking like his namesake.

"Fuck sake," Mr Foster sighed, looking around the room warily until his eyes landed on mine, glaring right back. "Miss Baker, Mrs Goodall would like to see you in her office," coughed the coward, darting his eyes away from mine as they narrowed, glaring daggers at the rapist. I paused slightly, taking in the tense atmosphere in the room and glancing around noticing that not one person would look my way. Not even Alice or Ethan. I didn't let my 'don't mess with me' vibe slack, despite my loneliness picking away at it. I grabbed my stuff and walked confidently down the aisle and out the door, past little Bambi shaking in the doorway. The hallways seemed emptier than usual, there were usually at least a few students ducking out of class as soon as the teacher turned their back but not that day. I wondered why Mrs Goodall wanted to see me, I hadn't done anything to warrant being called to her office, well, not that she knew of. I stormed into the reception to her office and straight past Mrs Goodall's receptionist and pushed the door. It was locked. I sighed, Mrs Goodall had taken to locking her office door whenever I was called because she knew I wouldn't knock. That was her weak-ass way of retaining some power over me. Begrudgingly, I knocked and waited for an answer.

"Mrs Goodall would like to talk to you out here before you go in," the receptionist told me, as Mrs Goodall slipped out of her office, shutting the door behind her.

"Ok, Bethany there are some people in my office who'd like to talk to you," she smiled. I rolled my eyes and sighed. She called the police. Really? I hadn't even done anything. She beamed at me again and opened the door, leading me into the office I had been in hundreds of times before. I walked in a headed straight for my usual seat, but some dude was sat in it. They weren't the police. I was confused. The guys turned around and I didn't recognise any of them, but one.

"Zacky?" I gasped. My voice sore and out of practice, it was more of a rasp. Mrs Goodall looked stunned at my speech. As was I. I didn't know what to do. Zach had left me, he'd run away and he never looked back. He didn't even think about me when he left. He didn't care.

"Bethy!" Zach called, jumping up from my seat and wrapping his arms around me. He still smelled the same, it was comforting. "Oh god, Beth I missed you," he mumbled into my hair. I was stunned. I thought he was dead. He pulled away and held me at arm’s length, his eyes scanning over me. There were tears in his eyes and it wasn't until he wiped away a tear from my face that I realised that I was also crying. He had changed so much. He was still muscular and hadn't grown much but his arms were covered in tattoos and several piercings covered his face. His hair was messy, as if he'd been running his fingers through it but whether it was intentional, I couldn't tell. "Shit Beth, you've grown so much,"

"Well," I coughed and cleared my throat. "Yeah, people tend to do that sometimes," I rasped. "Especially when people leave and don't look back," I whispered, pushing his arms off me and turning away.

"Beth..." he started, his voice showing the hurt, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't put up with it anymore,"

"What about me?" I shouted at him, my voice burning my throat.

"Beth you wouldn't understand, it was hell for me-" he started, but I cut him off.

"What the fuck do you mean I wouldn't understand? I've lived it for the past 9 years! You have no idea what I've been through, Zach," I cried, letting the tears run freely down my cheeks. "I needed my big brother to protect me, but you'd run off without me. I thought you were dead and for all I care, you still are," I wept. I hadn't really noticed anyone else in the room until I turned around and ran out of there. I just ran.

I don't think I even knew where I was running to, but I needed to get away from that building. I couldn't quite believe how I'd reacted to Zach. I'd spent almost 9 years hoping and praying that he'd come back for me but over the last couple of weeks, months, I'd finally come to terms that he wasn't coming back and that he really was dead. I'd been through so much in the past few months and I really could have done with Zach to help me through it or even scare off the bad guys, but where was he? Nowhere to be seen. I hated him. But I loved him. I'd missed Zach so much over the past years and dreamed of the day he'd return, I even had this whole scene imagined in my mind. Zach would turn up as Tony was at his worst, knocking the door down and pummelling Tony into the ground. He'd then wrap his strong arms around me and carry me away from this hell hole. We'd be happy together wherever he had ended up. But that wasn't going to happen. My sadness and heartache had turned to anger and Zach was nothing to me anymore. Nothing.

I'd stopped in a park. I almost collapsed with exhaustion at running so far and so fast. The green grass was wet with dew and the grey clouds over head threatened to pour. I laid down on the damp grass and closed my eyes, my breathing heavy as I attempted to catch my breath. I slowly began to cry. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to feel anymore. I was so confused. On one hand I hated him and everything he had, or hadn't, done. But on the other hand, I was still that little girl crying and begging for her big protector to come back for her. The tears kept sliding from my saddened eyes, but my eyes stayed shut. I heard light footsteps creeping towards me, the squelch of their shoes on the dewy grass giving them away.

"Beth?" the voice said, but I didn't recognise the voice. I didn't open my eyes, I didn't want to. "Bethy can you look at me?" the guy crouched beside me. I opened one eye and saw Zach sat beside me. How bad had the situation become that I didn't even know the sound of my own brother's voice? I quickly shut my eye again. Zach sighed. "Bethy I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm a coward, I know, but there's nothing I can do to change that," his voice broke. I sat up and opened my eyes, finally properly looking at my big brother and taking in the impressive man he had become. "Beth he did so much that you don't know about, things that I've never really gotten over. I just couldn't take it anymore," he dropped his head into his hands as tears fell freely down his cheeks. I still said nothing, I didn't know what to say to him because really, I didn't know Zach anymore. But why could I talk to him? "I thought about coming back for you so much Beth, honest to God. I just," he sighed "I guess I knew you'd act like this and you have every right to. I'm so sorry Bethy,"

"How did you find me?" I croaked, still not used to my new found voice.

"I gave it a shot and hoped you'd come here," he admitted but I couldn't understand.

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"Don't you remember?" I shook my head, "I used to take you here after school when you were little, in reality it was a way to keep you away from mom's boyfriends, but I loved our little times together. And I guess you did too if this is the first place you ran to?" he looked at me hopefully, but all I gave him was a blank, emotionless stare. "You really don't remember," he said as more of a statement than a question.

"I've blocked out a lot of things from my lifetime Zach, good and bad," I admitted monotonously. "I live day to day now, getting through each day is a hard enough struggle," I all but whispered.

"Bethy, I'm so sorry," he pleaded and tried to pull me into a hug, but I wouldn't let him. I wanted to hurt him, like he'd hurt me.

"I was raped, Zach, in this very park. Because you weren't here to protect me," I told him, my voice cracking and more tears falling down my face as I told him. I pushed his hands off of me and looked away, towards the creaky swings.

"Oh my-"

"I have been beaten on an almost daily basis. Because you weren't here to protect me," I gasped, the memories flooding back into my mind.

"Bethy-" he started.

"I was pushed into a bathtub of boiling water, I still have the scars. Because you weren't here to protect me," I cried, my voice becoming higher and more desperate.

"I'm sorry-" he begged, tears falling like a waterfall down his guilty face.

"I tried to kill myself, Zach. I want to die," I told him, looking him straight in the eyes and seeing the hurt, the pain and the guilt I was causing him. I didn't stop. I wanted him to feel a brief moment of what I've been feeling for the last 9 years. He didn't say anything that time. "Worst of all Zach, I was a weak and vulnerable, seven year old girl who was living in a crack house with abusive men left right and centre. And you basically left me there to die," my voice was cold and accusing.

"I..." he started, but he couldn't finish. He knew that nothing he could say would change what he'd done and that I could never forgive him for leaving me behind.

"You could have at least called, Zacky," I whimpered, my voice childlike and weak, just like it was before he left. "I thought you were dead, I just wanted to know you were ok. For the past 8 or 9 years all that's kept me going is the strong belief that you were out there, happy and alive. But after a while I just had to believe that you were dead," I whimpered, my heart breaking even more with every word I said, "It was either believe that you were dead, or believe reality and know that you just didn't care about me after all."

"I did care, Bethy-Bear, I still do. I love you more than anyone in my life and that's never changed, you're my baby sister and I'll always love you Bethy-Bear,"

“Somehow, I just don’t believe you Zach,” I slowly stood up. “Please, don’t come near me again. As far as I’m concerned, you died the day you ran away,” I told him and walked away. I could honestly say at that point that I never wanted to see Zach again.

-

I didn’t know whether to tell mum that Zach was back. I didn’t think I should, I’d told Zach not to come back, not to see me again, so mum should never know that Zach was ever back. Well that’s what I thought anyway, but when I reached my home, there was Zach sat on my sofa with 4 other huge men and my mother.

“I’m not giving up Bethy, you’re my baby sister and I’m going to prove that I’m here for you this time and I’m not going, no matter what you say,” Zach promised.

Finally someone was fighting for me.