Screaming in Silence

Zach stayed where he was, sat outside my bedroom door and talking to a wall of silence. He didn't budge and I didn't think he'd move until I spoke to him, or at least slipped a note under the door. However, I had grown to be a very stubborn and strong willed child since he left me and there was no way I'd back down. I looked at my window and let a grin spread across my face when I saw that it was already open. If it was closed then it'd make a huge racket as I opened it, making Zach realise what I was doing. For the entire time since he'd sat down he hadn't tried to open the door again so I was safe to escape.

"Beth I know it's hard to just let go and trust me again and I know that it'll take a lot to earn back your trust, but I'm willing to do anything to prove to you that I'm here for you again and I'm not going anywhere, not without you," he said through the cracked and rotting wooden door.

I was barely listening to him anymore, he'd been almost repeating himself ever since he'd returned and I'd already had enough of his pleas and apologies. I quietly stood up from my seat, leaning against the door, and tiptoed across to my bedroom window.

"Did you know I'm kinda famous now?" he said, somewhat randomly. I paused, looking towards the door and screwing up my face in confusion. "Yeah I'm kinda in a band with those guys downstairs. We've made it big Beth, big enough for me to be able to take care of you properly now."

I was already half way out of the window with one leg swung over the window ledge, but I paused to hear him out.

"Part of my weak excuse for not coming back sooner was that if I waited until I had enough money and a place big enough then you could come and live with me, so I could look after you properly and treat you like you should have been treated for the past 16 years, like a princess," his voice was becoming quieter and quieter, until I had to creep a little closer to hear what he was saying.

I turned to look at the dog tags, Zach's dog tags, hanging on the corner of my ancient mirror. I hadn't worn it in a while. I used to go everywhere with it, it was my lucky charm, but after a while when I started getting angry at him and finally believed he was dead, I hadn't worn it since. I reached out and stroked the silver plates, running my fingers over the inscription. "Near or far, you'll always be in my heart," that's what it said. I almost laughed. When Zach left I never stopped believing that he'd come back and that he loved me and at that time the inscription was true, he was far from me but he never left my thoughts and my heart. But now he finally had returned he was as far from my heart as humanly possible. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, I thought to myself. He was supposed to return in a flurry of excitement and I was supposed to fall into his arms and let him take me away from here. But I just couldn't do it. I pulled the dog tags off the mirror and slipped them over my head.

"You know there wasn't one day that went by when I didn't think about you, I even have a tattoo dedicated to you," he started talking again after a few moments of silence. I wanted to reply, I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell him that I too had thought of him, dreamed of him, since the day he left me. I wanted to trust him again, but I couldn't. I finally let a few stray tears trickle down my cheeks, but I soon wiped them away angrily. I couldn't let myself become weak again. Weak people get hurt. I tiptoed over to the window again and swung my leg over the window ledge.

"I know that you're probably not even listening to me, but please listen to this," he paused. "I know you've always loved the piano and up until recently you still had lessons with Miss Amelia. After all these years, I still paid for your lessons because I knew that you'd make it big. You have an unnatural talent Bethy-Bear. Did you know that I've never missed one of your recitals? I was at every single one of them and I video taped them all. I felt so proud of my baby sister playing in front of hundreds of people and the smile on your face when you played, oh God, it just melted my heart seeing you so happy up there. I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you to know that I was so close to you but so far away. Why did you stop Beth? Why did you give up?" he said. I don't know whether he was asking why I'd given up on the piano, or whether I'd given up on him. In a way, when I'd given up on the piano I'd given up on Zach too. One of the reasons I was so in love with playing the piano was because it made Zach so happy to hear me play. Every time I played in concert, I played for him. That smile on my face? That was for him.

I shook my head vehemently, I couldn't let myself become weak. I wasn't going to wait for any more words from Zach. I swung my other leg over the window and dropped out of the window. I'd done that many of times before, sometimes landing gracefully and catlike on my feet and other time I'd land on my ass. That time, I did neither. Expecting to land flat on my ass, I was shocked to land in a pair of strong, tattooed arms. I looked up in shock at my catcher. It was one of Zach's friends, the tall, buff one with his lip pierced.

"We were wondering when you were gonna drop," he smirked slightly as he let me down gently, earning a small chuckle from the rest of the group who were all outside smoking. I didn't think to tell them that they didn't need to be polite and go outside to smoke, much worse things had been smoked or injected inside. I smiled a small, awkward smile and turned to walk away. "Hey, kid!" he called after me. I looked back momentarily to see him jogging after me. "I know what Zacky did all those years ago sucked ass, but he's back now and he ain't going anywhere. You know, if you let him, he'll be the one to catch you fall," he shrugged, a saddened smile on his previously macho face. I didn't reply to what he said, I just turned around and ran away.

-

I didn't go back to the park, I knew that would be the first place that he'd look for me. I went somewhere new that time. I ended up travelling along the road that I'd run down when I was escaping from Mr Foster. I walked without fear this time, only a huge weight on my shoulders. I was so confused and I didn't know what to do. The child in me want to forgive him and let him be my big brother again, but the stronger, more angrier part of me wanted him out of my life. It was like I had an angel sat on one shoulder and a devil on the other, and the devil was winning.

I wandered into a clearing with a large pond stretching as far as I could see, for all I knew it could have been the ocean. I dropped onto the dewy grass in front of the pond and took of my shoes to dangle my bare feet in the cool water. I felt hugely relieved to have some time to myself to finally digest all that had happened in less than a day. I really wanted it all to be over, I was tired of it all. I was tired of life. I wished my previous suicide attempt had worked then I wouldn't have had to go through everything that I had in the last few hours. I had told myself that the moment I got a second to myself then I'd try again and again and again until I was dead, but the problem was that I never did get a moment alone because my mother and Tony knew that I'd try again. It had been so long since I'd had any kind of privacy or alone time. As I sat there and wondered when I could finally take my own worthless life, a thought occurred to me. I was alone, with a huge pool of water right in front of me. All I had to do was jump in and it could all be over. I'd always hated the idea of drowning, but at that moment in time I had no other choice. It was right there and there was no one around. It would be so easy.