Screaming in Silence

I was fed up. Fed up with everyone thinking I'm weak. Fed up of actually being weak. Fed up of not being able to talk. I used to be able to talk once. I really was a normal kid when I was little. I had a mom, a big brother, an all right house and a voice. Mom still had nasty boyfriends then but they never touched me because my Zach was always there to protect me, he never left me alone in that house. I was young and naive and I never knew anything was wrong because I suppose I didn't want to see anything wrong, I'd believe anything Zach would tell me.

"Where did those bruises come from, Zacky?" I'd ask, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of someone hurting my protector.

"Silly Zacky walked into a door," he'd reply, giggling to make me feel at ease.

"How did you break your arm, Zacky?" I'd also ask.

"Silly Zacky fell down the stairs," he had a lot of pre-made excuses and if I hadn't had those rose tinted glasses on, I would have seen past the lies. Zach used to take the brunt of the abuse because he'd rather have died than let anyone touch me. I still feel guilty about that. If it wasn't for me being young, naive and innocent, Zach would still be here. And so would my voice.

My voice died along with Zach's presence. When Zach was there to hold my hand, I was a real chatterbox. I loved to chat and joke around with Zach to the point where I'd even try and make up things to talk to him about. But as Zach was no longer around to love and hold me, my voice disappeared. The many hundreds of doctors have told me that my mutism was caused by anxiety and fear, which can be directly linked to Zach. To put it more simply, with Zach gone so was my confidence. Thinking about it now I realise that only the time I would ever really talk was with Zach there smiling at me, holding my little hand. I miss him.

As the day droned on, I continued dragging my body to each lesson but my mind wasn't really there. I think even my friends noticed something that time because they kept asking if I was ok.

"Seriously, Beth you're acting a little off today, you feeling all right? You want me to take you to the nurse?" Ethan asked as we walked along the crowded corridor towards tutorial, putting his hand to my forehead dramatically. I sighed and slapped his hand away, shooting him a warning look. "Just saying, if you're not feeling well you should really go home," he said. Then I realised that I really should go home. There was no way in hell I was going to walk back into that classroom and act like nothing had happened between me and the high-school hottie. I couldn't act ok, because I was terrified.

I let Ethan walk me to the nurse and tried out my rusty acting skills. It was hard to portray what was supposedly wrong with me without actually saying "I feel sick," but I don't think the nurse really cared much, she just gave me the all clear to head on home.

"See you tomorrow, chick. I hope you feel better," he smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek before turning around and walking back to our tutor. Lately I had been feeling a little wary about how close and attached Ethan had been getting as he had been acting a little strange. I frowned to myself, knowing that I was probably being a little paranoid, and walked on home.

I walked the long way home that time and ended up walking through a cute little park. It was empty seeing as it was the middle of the day and all kids were in school, so it was peaceful, quiet. I walked over to the swings and wiped the seat clean, perching on it carefully. The park seemed old and looked like it had been deserted for a while, I didn't trust the creaking, rusty frames to hold my weight very well. After testing my weight on the ancient swings, I began to swing backwards and forwards. I smiled. It felt nice to be out in the sun with the wind flowing through my hair as I flew through the air on the ancient swings. I remembered when I was little and Zach would take me out after he picked me up from school and we'd go to a little park somewhere, a little like the one I was in, and we'd spend hours just playing and having fun. It was a nice memory, but tainted by the memory of the last time he picked me up from school.

"Zacky!" I screamed, running into the open arms of my big brother. I was so little then, so cute and naive. I should have noticed the troubled and scared look on his face.

"Hey Bethy," he greeted me, hugging me tightly, tighter than normal. "Did you have a good day, Bethy-Bear?" he asked, calling me by my little nickname. I giggled and grabbed his hand.

"Yeah, Miss Jenny let us have a long break today, 'cause we were really good," I chattered on and on about my day to Zach and he lead us to the park. Zach was awfully quiet that day, but I was so little that I didn't realise. I was at the age where I thought that everyone was wonderful and everyone was happy. That was the last day that I thought that. "What about you Zacky? Did you have a good day?" I asked him, smiling up at what seemed like a giant next to me. He looked down at me, a sad look on his face.

"Bethy-Bear, you're a big girl now, right?" he asked, crouching down beside my small figure and craftily ignoring my question.

"Yeah, I'm 7 years old now!" I giggled, holding up my fingers to show him how many years old I was.

"I know, you're a big brave girl," he smiled sadly. "And you know that I love you to pieces, right?"

"Of course you do! And I love you Zacky," I grinned, but my grin soon faded when I saw the saddened look on Zach's face. I think it was about that point that I realised something was wrong. "What's wrong Zacky?" I asked, reaching up to stroke his cheek.

"Come on, do you want me to push you on the swings?" he asked, avoiding another question. My face lit up again and I ran over to the swings. They were almost brand new and painted my favourite colour, I loved those swings because I always felt like I was flying when Zach would push me. I hopped on the swing and waiting for my big brother to push me. "Beth, now that you're a big girl you're not really going to need me much anymore, are you?" he asked me softly.

"Don't be silly Zacky, I will always need you," I chirped, squealing with delight when I soared high in the air. Like an eagle, I remember thinking. "You're my big brother!" he sighed and continued to push me in silence, listening to my happy screams and giggles. But he soon stopped pushing me and I swung slower and slower, until I stopped completely. I frowned, thinking we were going to go home. "No Zacky, I don't want to go home yet," I moaned and turned around. He was crouched behind me, tears in his gorgeous hazel eyes.

"Beth, I'm going to be going away for a while," he admitted, slowly.

"What? We're going on holiday?" I asked, confused. I never thought for one second that my Zacky would leave me.

"No, no sweetie, I'm going away for a while, do you understand?" he asked, I shook my head and a tear slipping down his cheek. My face dropped even more if it was possible. I reached up and wiped the tear away, not saying a word but my little heart was beating fast. I was scared. "Bethy-Bear, I'm leaving home, ok? I'm not going to be around anymore Beth,"

"What? Where are you going?" I asked, my lip trembling and tears threatening to spill. The wind began blowing colder and colder, so Zacky zipped up my coat and wrapped his arms around me.

"I don't really know, honey," he admitted, pulling away from me again.

"Why? Why are you leaving me? Was it something I did?" I asked, tears falling. "Because I'm sorry Zacky, I'm really sorry," I cried.

"No, oh God no, Beth I love you so much, you could never do anything wrong," he was crying too, heavily.

"Please don't leave me Zacky," I wept, wailing and crying so hard it was becoming hard to breath. "Take me with you!" I begged, clinging onto him. He stood up properly and began leading me home.

"I can't take you with me, I've got to go on my own Bethy-Bear," he told me, wiping his eyes and walking me out of the park. "You'll be fine without me, sweetheart, I promise."

"No! I don't want to live without you! Please don't leave me," I screamed, tears falling profusely. "I'm sorry for being bad! Whatever I did I didn't mean it," I dug my feet into the ground and refused to move, but he just picked me up and carried me all the way home with me crying a river into his shoulder. He paused outside our house and put me down.

"Beth, I have to go now, just know that I love you so much," he told me, his eyes red, sore and leaking tears. "I love you Beth," he said one more time before turning around and running down the street just as Nick came bursting out the door screaming profanities at Zach's retreating figure. I don't remember much about what happened after that, all I know is that I stood there crying my little heart out and staring down the road that Zach had run down.

I never saw Zach again.