Not Worth Your Tears

I sat in a stiff chair in my living room, reading and ignoring everyone. I wasn't one for crowds, but there one was, swaying and drinking in my living room. Even in this compact space, with nearly fifty people, I felt alone. They weren't strangers or anything. Actually, they were the closest things I had to friends. I knew all these people extremely well; their loves, their fears, their secrets and stories, yet they hardly knew a thing about who I was. But they still came. I thought it had something to do with the food and beer. And I guess I've always felt like that. Lonely I mean. Even living with a rowdy household of five. It's not that my family beat me, or never loved me, or anything stupid like that. They just never took the time to get to know me. And even if they had tried, I doubt I would have let them.

Today though, was supposed to be different. Today was my twenty-first birthday, and I was apparently expected to be having a blast. The early twenties was my mother's best years, according to my father. This was when she married my dad, got their first apartment together and had my sister Breeze, myself, and my younger brother Travis. I knew she was secretly hoping that the same would happen for me. I know that seems early in life to fall in love, and I thought so too, but my family was used to falling in love young. It seems that it was an ongoing thing that fate had favored us when it came to soul mates early on. My sister Breeze fell in love at twenty, and my brother Travis, only seventeen, fell in love last summer when he was sixteen. I truly was happy for them, because I knew what it was like to fall in love, but I was scared for them too. Because I also knew what it was like to lose it. I knew what it was like to be broken completely, and even though they didn't know me well, I still loved them. I'd never want them to feel that.

Even though everyone was paired up, I doubted that I too would fall in love again. In all my life I had but one boyfriend. This was when I was eighteen. His name was Drew. He was gorgeous, like an angel. His bright brown curls clung to his forehead and when he walked they bounced happily. His boyish good looks vanished over the summer of grade eleven, and by grade twelve he had become a burly man, with a boy's attitude. And patience. The boy who had once held me and called me his princess, who had once run away with me to New York after high school finished, disappeared with a couple bottles of Jacks Daniels. Everyone thought he was the second coming of Christ, except for me. They didn't know what he did to me. They didn't know what he was like.

My train of thought broke as I glanced up from my book to see Breeze, glittering like a disco ball, her dress sparkling and glitter covered her face. I scowled as I watched Breeze wobble over to me, her eyes sluggishly following the colorful lights that flashed by her. Her arms caught on every stray purple streamers, making her angry as she drunkenly brushed them away. I truly didn't enjoy my sister's company when she was drunk. Even when she was sober I had to work hard to tolerate her. She wasn't easy to get along with. Breeze was my, and still is, my polar opposite. She craved the spotlight, and I'd try to avoid it. Breeze teases and kissed boys, while I pushed them away. Breeze was always one to thrive in, and cause drama. She'd talk only of her own interests, and push your stories and hobbies aside. She'd get any guy I liked since we were in elementary school, and then tease me about it. Let's just say it was more peaceful once she moved.

"Kaybree, take your nose out of that book." She said, sitting beside me. "Enjoy your party! Have something to drink! Your legal now 'ya know." Breeze giggled, and took a heavy swig of vodka.

"I'll pass." I murmured, my eyes not leaving my spot on the weathered page. I set my lips in a thin line and tried to will her away, but I had no such luck.

Breeze huffed and slouched beside me, rotating her cup thoughtfully. "Why are you such a bummer?" Breeze waited for a reaction, one that I didn't give her and this non-reaction seemed to help her cause. She poked me in the head, making my eye twitch in annoyance. "Live a little would you?" She grumbled, waving a hand over my eyes. "Make some friends or something!" Breeze threw her hands up in exasperation and gestured to the crowd in front of me. "We can't keep being your only friends forever."

I looked up from my book and closed it. I turned to look at her, and stood up. "My friends?"

Breeze rolled her eyes and grabbed onto my wrist and tried to pull me down and mumbled, "Kaybree, sit down. You're being such a drama queen!"

My body shook as a hot lava bubbled up inside me. That anger had been boiling in me for a long time. I am very passive aggressive, and I would just take things and lock them up inside me. I took it when Breeze 'borrowed' my clothes, complaining that my jeans were wider, so those were the only ones she could wear when she got bloated, taking it when girls would push me down at school, taking it when Breeze would ignore the situation whenever it happened, taking it when Drew left me, crying and bleeding, alone in some place I didn't know, time after time. But now my anger was boiling over, and nobody could stop it.

"I am not being a drama queen, Breeze!" I spat, wrenching my arm away from her. By then everyone in the room had turned to look at the show in front of them. I finally had their attention. I turned to them, "I'm sorry everybody, for ruining your party. Really, I am. Please, continue on by all means and talk to your friends. Continue conversing with me just because it's my birthday. Oh no, please, don't apologize. It's completely fine. I'm used to being looked over, it's totally okay...” I laughed and waved them off as they looked at me, concerned.

"But Kaybree, we are your friends." Travis said, coming closer to me.

"You, are my brother." I spat, pointing at him. "She, is my sister. And they are my parents. You have to love me and talk to me. You see me every day. Everybody else is not my friends. They are my acquaintances. They're your friends. Not mine."

My mother folded her arms across her chest and raised a disapproving eyebrow. "Kaybree, stop it."

"No, mom, I won't stop. I'm tired of stopping myself from saying what I want, whenever it's not convenient. I'm tired of living with a family who knows two of my traits and just assumes the rest." I clenched my fists together and let the tears welling in my eyes to blur my vision. With reddened cheeks I roughly drew my arm over my eyes to dry the wetness and looked at the guilty faces of the crowd, and then I looked icily at my mother who gave me the same glare in return. "You know what?" I spat out through gritted teeth, "I'm moving." I turned and stomped up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door loud, as loud as the pounding in my head. I had to make it stop. I glanced across the room at my vanity drawer, and inside I knew there definitely had to be something sharp.