Life Is Ours, We Live It Our Way

From the time I was eleven, I always knew that there was a purpose for me on this planet, I just never knew what my purpose was. That was until two weeks ago, when someone suggested to me that I write, to just let all of my emotions out and help someone else out that might be feeling the same way as me. To help someone else out that might be fighting the same things as me. I realized that idea was probably the best idea I had heard in a while, until today, I hit the lowest day I have had in a while.

Now, let me just explain to you in a brief paragraph my usual personality. You know those girls that you can't tell if they are truly happy or if they are hiding something, well that's me. I never show my true emotions unless it's anger, or someone really hits home. I'm always smiling and laughing and making the best of every situation; well that is on the outside. Most of the time on the inside I'm screaming for someone to just reach out to me and slap me and tell me that it is okay to have a bad day. That it is okay for me to feel lost. That it is okay for me to feel like I don't want to get out of bed today. But instead, everyday I put on that smile everyone around me has grown to see everyday and pretend.

I guess you could say that I started faking my happiness as far back as I can remember. When I was around 5, I never really seen much of my mom. She was always working or asleep, or with her boyfriend and the few times that I really did see her, it was kind of like she wasn't interested in what I was doing. So, I became attached to my grandma, and she became the 'mother figure' in my life. In pre-school, we went on our first field trip ever, and it was to the Columbus Zoo. I remember begging and pleading with my mother for hours to go. I vividly remember laying in the middle of my floor, crying and bribing her with things. I promised that I wouldn't get in trouble anymore, I would eat all of my dinner, and I would take a bath when I was told too. But no matter how hard I tried, she told me that I was going to have to go with my grandma. I don't really know why I did this, but I pretended to be the happiest girl in the world on the way there. I was all smiles and laughs. But as it turned out, that day brought me a little bit closer to my grandma.

When I was 6, I was made to do dishes for the first time with my grandma. Granted, then it made me feel like a big kid, but still. I remember standing in a chair from our kitchen table and washing dishes with her as she instructed me to do. And if I hadn't properly cleaned the dish to her standards, she plopped in back down in the sink and made me re-wash it until she was satisfied.

In 2008, she was hospitalized for 'flu' like symptoms. She was in the hospital for the symptoms for nearly two weeks. As they started to surpass, doctors and nurses at the hospital realized that my grandma was not fit to live on her home, and she was admitted into a nursing home. Soon after, she started showing severe signs of dementia. Being the youngest of the grandchildren, I was the first person that she forgot. She wouldn't realize who I was half of the time. Instead, she would ask me what my name was and tell me to tell her a little about myself and how I knew her. Luckily, after reminding her that she was my grandma, she would start to come around and have a faint memory of me. One of the last times that I seen my grandma, she kept telling me how lucky she was to have such a beautiful, strong, amazing, blunt, and intelligent granddaughter like me. Though that may have been one of the last times I got to speak to my grandma and see her, that conversation still means the most to me.

Within the last year of her life, she was sent back to the hospital four times from heart attacks and strokes. Never once did they give my grandmother the proper care she needed.

My grandma passed away November 1st, 2010. Her death certificate states she passed away from natural causes. Though three days earlier she suffered from a severe stroke, that nearly paralyzed the left side of her body. My grandma was a fantastic woman, and now that I think about it, I would do anything to spend just a little more time with her. I really wish I wouldn't have taken her for granted while she was still here. She was too good to me, and I would have never lost my family if it wasn't for her passing away.

All in all, I can say that she lead an amazing life, and touched everyone around her. And luckily, I was granted the opportunity to read a speech I had put together to commence her in front of all of her family and friends. I can say that hands down, that has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.

Everyday, I always try to remember that what I am doing is not to make those around me proud of me, it's to make those that are looking down on me proud.