Four Corners and Two Sides

I wasn't trying to rush him, so I kept quiet as he kept his back to me. Kellin lost his ability to move quickly away from the problem, and so he was stuck. He had the choice of lying to my face or telling me the truth... I was hoping for the latter.
"I..." He let go of the wall and slowly turned around, his eyes moving to the lip hidden underneath my teeth. I was nervous, chewing on my smile and feeling my heart ache in my ears. Why was this so difficult? And why did Kellin have to touch my soul?
"Can we sit?" He asked.
"I'm tired of sitting," I said. "Just tell me. Is this cheating?"
"It's not like that."
"How can you say that?" I whispered furiously as I noticed Jesse's head peek around the corner of the bathroom door on the opposite side. He stopped walking and stared in our direction, eyes squinting.
"Ah, shit," I heard him say as he came stumbling over, careful to not step on Jack's gaming set up. Jack was no longer around, but the television read pause.
"Why are you saying shit?" I pointed to Jesse, as he placed his arm around Kellin's shoulders in a bro hug.
Jesse blew out a puff of air and looked down at Kellin. "Looks like she knows, dude."
My legs felt weak as I took in Jesse's words. Both of the boys kept their eyes glued to my face, probably wondering why I wasn't looking as relieved as I should. But what hit me was the fact that Jesse kept it from me. Jack left because he didn't want to be a part of the blame. The rest of Sleeping With Sirens were no where to be found on the bus, I would've heard them. And Jesse was just the unlucky one.
"I know what? That Kellin has a wife and he cheated on her and now I have to live with the guilt of being an accomplice?" I started off heated and rambling. "And you all, you all knew, Jesse! I thought we were friends. You boys got close with my band, with me and the guys. Friends don't do this shit. Keep things from each other. Does anyone even care about Katelynne or am I the only one? I don't even know the poor woman but if I was her and I found out, I would be fucking livid."
"Wait," Jesse held up his hand to stop me. "Kellin's not exactly with Kate anymore. And you guys did not have sex. What's the big deal?"
"What!" I shouted. "So to call it cheating on someone, we have to have intercourse? The fact that Kellin's hand down my underwear was not enough? If we didn't hear anything on the bus that night, I am positive we would've went much further. It's the idea, Jesse. Not to mention that over the past few months, we've gotten close in general. Sharing private information that you wouldn't exactly share with a friend."
Jesse rolled his eyes. "Kellin isn't new to this."
"Shut the fuck up, dude." Kellin shrugged the lanky arm off of his shoulders and leaned against the wall beside the open doorway. He closed his eyes, waving his arms as a way to usher Jesse out of the area. "I want to explain shit but I can't with you standing there, adding your two cents."
"Sorry man. I'll head over to Pierce's bus and you can meet me there."
Kellin nodded as Jesse gave me an apologetic smile. I didn't hate him, but I was finding a hard time trying to come up with the things I liked about him. I wondered whether it was a full moon or not, turning people into huge assholes for a reason. Or maybe it was the truth all along. Everyone around me had been wearing a mask.
"Let's get this over with." I ignored the buzzing in my pocket, signifying that I had a new text message, and sat back down on the bunk. "You wanted me to sit, so here I am."
Kellin finally opened his eyes, not moving much from his place against the wall. "Katelynne and I are not really together anymore."
"But you're still married? Legally?"
"Yes."
I bit my lip, wondering whether I should tell him how I felt about marriage, how sacred it was to me. Mom had been married a few times through out my childhood, and each one was dismissed like it was nothing. A piece of cake. A snap of the fingers. I was never going to treat it that way, and maybe that was why this was such a big deal to me. He was connected with another person through vows... It wasn't a simple process you could just split in half.
"Why not divorce?" I remained calm as I played with my hands, suddenly finding them interesting enough to stare at.
"Well," Kellin sighed. "This summer was a test of our relationship, I guess you could say. But as the weeks went on, the less I thought about her. The loneliness I felt without her by my side, drifted away. It's sad, but it's true. We've been married for a bit now, but I think we rushed it."
It made sense, I guess. I understood that this happened with a lot of people, but I couldn't see how what we did was okay, just because he and his wife were taking a "break".
"Did you have the intention of telling her?"
"Sure, eventually." He crossed his arms and stayed standing. "I'm trying to figure out what we have."
"Nothing," I spoke immediately, glaring in his direction. "We never had anything. We've been at a standstill for a few months now. How could you think we even had something? You wouldn't show me off in public. Embarrassed?"
"Embarrassed?" Kellin's voice rose as he stepped away from the wall, walking closer toward me. "You honestly believed I was embarrassed of you? Try having my wife see us together in a picture, or--or--someone we knew going to her and telling her in person. I'm trying to figure out Eliza and Kellin, while trying to figure out Kellin and Katelynne. And now I don't think much of Kate, anymore. And being with you has given me the reassurance I needed."
"You were never with me, though. That's the problem. I feel used, because you left me hanging. I felt dirty after finding out that you had a wife. I felt dirty for even letting it get that way because you became my best friend over these couple of months, and suddenly we're on your bed, doing things that couples do. But we weren't a couple, not at all, even though I wanted to be."
"Wanted?" Kellin cocked his head in question. "You don't want to be with me now?"
"Oh my god, Kellin. This is so messed up. How can I even think about being your girlfriend now?"
"I don't know. You're right," he frowned, "I think I ruined it for the both of us. All three of us."
I looked at him, lacking emotions I thought would come forward on their own. I was undecided.
"And what about Jesse saying that you've done this before? Can you justify, please?"
"Actually, Jesse has no idea what he's talking about. I'm hardly around him enough for that kid to see the truth."
I waved it off, but made a mental note to ask Jesse about it later. Silence grew around us like tight vines. It felt right to leave and end it right then, but he looked like he wanted to say something as a lightbulb went off.
"Maybe..." he started back up, a glint in his deep eyes. "Maybe you would be better off with Eric. The dude likes you so much. I want to see you happy and if you won't be happy with me, then I know you'd be happy with Eric."
My heart sank as I remembered Eric, and what he was up against. It wasn't a bad idea, of course not. But I didn't feel as strongly for Eric as I had for Kellin, and that's what killed me. I wasn't trying to be a fool, but why couldn't I be Kellin's girlfriend? I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. Although Katelynne was practically out of Kellin's picture, she wasn't out of mine. That's probably why it felt wrong to think about being something more with the man in front of me. If he got everything squared with her, and they split, then what would be so wrong about a relationship? I needed to talk to her, too. The only way to relieve myself of a guilty conscience. Ah shit, was right, Jesse.
"Yeah," I smiled, but it didn't reach my eyes. "Maybe."