Forever Yours

I woke up, with the sun flickering through my window. I rolled on the side of my bed and stretched my arms weakly. My eyes were sore and they burned as hell. I yawn, gradually sitting down on the bed that used to be our own.

I dreamt of him again by the way. His eyes were still haunting me, as we laid there on the sand. His voice was raspy and was heaven to my ears; like how they always were. It was like he was never gone. It was like he was always here, like he never left. But he’s long gone now. And I have to accept that. Well, according to the other people.

I went directly to the kitchen to get myself a yummy breakfast. The only thing left in there was a batch of cold donuts and a carton of nearly expired milk that’s fresh from the refrigerator. Awesome, I’m having a great meal. I think to myself sarcastically.

I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, absent-mindlessly flipping channels because that’s what I have been doing for the past six months. Mind you, it has never been like this when I was with him. I was happy with him. He made me feel alive. And now that he’s gone, I’m just a living body with no soul. A dead man walking.

Suddenly, my phone rang, grabbing me back from my thoughts. I reached for it just across the sofa. I looked to see who the caller was. It was my Mom.

“Hey Mom.” I say with my morning voice, hoarse and ugly.

“Hey honey. Have you had your breakfast yet?”

“Yeah mom.” I say, joylessly munching on the remaining rigid donuts.

I could hear her sigh in relief. “Okay Leslie.” She says.

When I was about to hung up, she talks again. “When are you going to stay with us again? Your dad and I are hoping you’d come back here, since John’s... not there anymore, why not stay with us?”

Before answering my Mom, I averted my gaze from the TV to the walls around me. I had to admit to myself that seeing them pained me every single time. But I still can’t let it go. I can’t let him. I don’t think I can, ever. “No, Mom. I think I’m staying here for a little while longer. Send Dad my regards. Love you both.” Then I hung up.

I hated how my family and friends tell me to move on, every fucking time. They don’t understand me. They’re not in my situation. They haven’t found that perfect someone and have them in your grasp, but was taken away all so suddenly.

It hurts.

A lot.

And why can’t they understand how it’s so hard for me to go through this hell? I need someone to comfort me that everything is going to be okay. But no, they tell me to forget him. They tell me to let him go. And that’s not what I want. They’re nothing compared to what I want.

I want John.

My John.

I want him back.

But no matter how much I wanted him back, or no matter how hard I tried, I can never have him beside me like before. I can never hear him say ‘I love you’ ever again. I can never feel his soft lips against mine. I will never get him back. I can’t. No one can ever make me feel alive. No one.

Because when John died, I died along with him.