Forbidden

"So, what happened then?" my friend Emma asked me. I'd gone to stay with Liam in London after a week spent being looked after by my Mum. Since Liam and I had told her what had happened (all three of us had cried), she hadn't let me out of my sight. At first it had been comforting, then slightly annoying, and then I'd begun to want to throw things at the wall every time I heard her voice. I got that she just wanted to be there to protect me, but I felt like a two year old again.

The upside of going to stay in London with Liam was that I got to see Emma, who had moved to London last year, but remained my best friend.

"Well, he didn't speak to me for the rest of the plane journey. We arrived at Heathrow, and he went straight to Doncaster. He hasn't spoken to me since. Liam's furious, of course, but I'm not going to get involved with it. It's just too complicated, Liam doesn't know about Louis and I, and Louis doesn't know about what happened in Barcelona." I told her.

"God. Listening to your life makes me realize how pathetically boring mine is." Emma commented, stretching her legs out on her sofa.
"I just wish mine was." I complained. Emma gave me a sympathetic smile before turning her head to the kitchen.

"Do you take sugar?" she asked. I nodded gratefully as she walked over to her kitchen counter.
"So have the police told you anything yet?" she asked me as she stirred the tea.
"They phoned me a few times to tell me about the investigation, but they haven't found him yet. I don't even know if they will." I told her, casting my eyes downwards.

Knowing that Matt was still out there, and he could find me, was terrifying. I could barely sleep some nights, although Liam had been excellent, staying up with me when I'd woken up screaming.

"I'm sure they'll find him soon. They have to, right?" she asked, passing me my tea and sitting back down.

I'd gone to her flat in search of some peace. Liam, although helpful and undoubtedly sweet, was absolutely smothering me.

"You know, it feels amazing to not have people constantly checking up on me." I told her.
"You know me, I'm too lazy to check up on people." Emma grinned. I laughed lightly.

"So..." Emma urged me. I shrugged my shoulders, unsure of what she meant.
"What are you going to do about Louis? Tell him the truth? Or let him carry on being a twat?" she asked me. I smiled slightly. The fact that she was so blunt had always amused me. Especially when we'd been at school and spent most of our days bitching about people.

"Let him be a twat, hands down. As much as I wish he could just understand and I could carry on being with him, I'm so over having pity parties. I end up crying every time I tell someone, and I'm sick of it. I just want everything to be normal again." I moaned.

"Millie, nothing is going to be normal again. Not after what you've been through." Emma told me, narrowing her eyes. I sighed.
"But I want it to be. And as long as I don't tell everybody, I can pretend that it didn't happen." I shrugged.
"Right, because that's healthy." she told me, rolling her eyes, making me pull a face at her.

"But you don't have feeling for Louis, right?" she asked me. I avoided her gaze, instead taking a sip of tea before answering her.
"What is this, the Spanish inquisition?" I asked her, hoping she would be easily distracted.

"You're totally in love with him!" Emma gasped. I sighed. Whilst recounting my summer I'd artfully dodged telling her about the parts where I'd told Louis I loved him, instead making it out to be a friends with benefits situation.
"Shut up!" I exclaimed. "I didn't want you to know about that bit. The truth is, I told Louis I loved him, he turned me down, then he told me he loved me, then we started hooking up. But I told him it was no strings attached! Love is way too complicated." I told her.

"But......if you love him, shouldn't you tell him about what happened?" she asked me.
"No, because I'm sick of being the weak one in relationships. I'm always the one that gets hurt. And if he really loved me so much, then he might not have left me so easily." I told her.

"But he thought you'd cheated on him." Emma added.
"We weren't official, even if I had wanted to sleep with someone else, it wouldn't be cheating. Whose side are you on here, anyway?" I asked her, glaring slightly.

"Yours, obviously. But maybe he is the best thing for you, and for him to fully understand everything you need to tell him the truth. And I don't know why you didn't tell Liam about you two anyway, he's so sweet." she commented. I groaned.

"Yes, he's sweet, but he's also ridiculously over protective. Do you even remember year nine?" I asked her.
When I was fourteen I'd begun dating a boy from the year above, and Liam, who was in year eleven at the time, had walked into my English lesson without warning, asking the boy what his intentions with me were.

"Of course, everybody does! That was hilarious. I still have the video on my phone." Emma laughed, before looking at me seriously.
"Look, the point is, it can't be good to keep so many secrets." she told me, using her best stern voice.

"Easy for you to say. You're an honest person. I'm a big fat liar with trust issues." I complained, turning over so I was lying face down on her sofa and pretending to cry.
"Why am I even friends with you?" she giggled.

"Because I'm super hot and hilarious." I told her, managing to keep a straight face as I looked up from the cushion I'd just buried my head in.

An hour later Liam came to pick me up.
"You don't need to take me everywhere, you know." I told him as we got into his car.
"Well I want to." he told me in a sing song voice before becoming serious again.

"So, the boys are back at the flat. Including Louis." he said, studying my face for a reaction.
"Cool." I told him, examining my nails in an effort to stay calm. I had no idea what to say to him.

"You're okay with it, then?" he asked me.
"I don't care. I mean, I know I'm not a whore, so he can call me one if he wants, but it doesn't matter." I lied. It mattered more than anything. I hated what he thought of me, but I wasn't about to change it if that meant telling the truth.

We arrived at Liam's flat a few minutes later to find the boys all spread out on the sofa and playing video games. I was slightly excited, as I hadn't spoken to any of them much since Barcelona, because they'd been visiting their families. On the other hand, I was dreading having to act as if nothing had happened in front of Louis and Harry.
As much as I liked to put on a brave face, there will still moments where I broke down in tears, remembering what had happened.

I didn't get a chance to dwell on it though, as Harry immediately rushed over to hug me.
"Millie!" he exclaimed. "I missed you so much. No one in Holmes Chapel is as fun as you." he told me. I smiled.
"Correction, no one in the world is as fun as me." I told him, getting a laugh from everyone except Louis.

Niall was next up to hug me, whispering a quick "Are you okay?" in my ear. I nodded gratefully, squeezing the Irish boy a little bit harder.
Then Zayn walked over, hugging me softly, obviously aware that I still had bruises covering almost every centimeter of my body.

When he sat back down, I looked around awkwardly or a second. All eyes were on Louis and I, who was yet to stand up from the sofa. He cleared his throat for a second before standing up.

"Millie, can I speak to you, please?" he asked, strangely formal. I nodded, leading him into the kitchen where I motioned for him to sit on a stool. He didn't, instead remaining standing.
"I just want to say sorry. I was wrong, and I shouldn't have said the things I did." he told me, picking at his nails as he spoke.

"Louis, you don't have to do his." I told him flatly. He looked up, obviously surprised.
"Do what?" he asked, and I smiled as coldly as I could.

"I don't know whether it was Liam who made you do this, or Paul, but you don't have to apologize. You're entitled to your own opinion, and it's hardly the end of the world that you think I'm a whore." I lied.
In fact, it was the end of my world, because it meant I'd never get to look into his eyes and tell him I loved him again. I'd never get to kiss him. I'd never get to feel his hands on my skin.

"Well, thank you for that." he told me awkwardly. "And you know, I'd like to put everything behind us. We can forget what you did" he said, and my heart dropped a little before he continued.
"And what I said. You know, I'm friends with your brother, and we work together very day, I don't want things to be awkward." he told me, looking me straight in the eyes.
For a second I was caught up in the blue swirls of his eyes, but I quickly came back to my senses.

"Yeah. We'll be friends."