Hero

“You’re not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.”

“I think I’d just cut the wire.”

“Always a way out.”

He’s not the guy to lay down on a wire for someone else. He’s not the guy who will willingly put himself in harm’s way. To willingly put himself in harm’s way so that someone else might survive, that’s not Tony. That has none of Tony’s style, none of Tony’s flair. It’s just not Tony Stark.

Tony Stark is all style and flair. He likes having the attention, the spotlight on him. Most of all, Tony likes taking care of himself. And he does that because, honestly, it’s all he’s ever really known how to do.

Yeah, he can put on a show like no other. Tony’s energetic, he’s charismatic, he is the guy that everyone wants to be. But Tony takes care of himself. That’s the type of guy he is. He’s not a humble hero like Steve.

He’s not a guy like Steve who grew up in Brooklyn, a weak shrimp of a kid who couldn’t win a fight if he was offered a million bucks. He’s not a guy who knows what it’s like to be at the bottom of the totem pole. Tony doesn’t know how to value strength or power because he’s always had it.

“You know, you may not be a threat but you better stop pretending to be a hero.”

“A hero? Like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.”

He’s wrong though. Steve Rogers is a hero, he is special. And Tony knows this because he had to hear his dad sing Steve’s praises to the skies. No matter what anyone says, no matter how much they say that Howard Stark loved his son, it doesn’t change Tony’s mind. Steve Rogers is the child that Howard Stark always wanted.

Steve is selfless. He’d lay his life down on the line in a heartbeat. He’d done just that in the war. And what had Howard Stark done? He’d spent years and years looking for Steve Rogers, scouring the ends of the earth for his perfect creation. And left his son at home.

He shouldn’t be bitter, Tony knows. It’s not Steve’s fault that Tony’s dad didn’t have time for him. He shouldn’t hate Steve because Howard Stark had cared more for his laboratory experiment than for his own son. But that’s the way it is.

Tony can’t count how many times he’s heard these stories of Captain America, of how great Captain America is. They were fun at first, hearing about a real life superhero. And then they weren’t so fun when he realized that Steve Rogers was the son that Howard Stark had never had. And that hurt.

Steve is the type of guy who would lie down on the wire that Tony Stark would cut. That’s why they clash. Tony can always find a way out, a way to save his own skin. Steve accepts the fact that he may not survive the mission and does whatever he can to ensure that everyone else will survive. That’s the difference between them.

So when Fury says that there’s a missile heading towards Manhattan, Tony doesn’t hesitate. That’s his one way ticket and it might as well have his name plastered on the side of it. Regardless of what anyone says, they can’t say that Tony never did anything good.

He can hear himself talking to Jarvis, can hear Natasha saying that she can close the portal. Most of all, he can hear himself saying that he knows exactly where to put it.

“Stark, you know that’s a one way trip.”

Tony chooses not to reply to Steve, chooses simply to tune them all out and turn to JARVIS. JARVIS is, for all intents and purposes, Tony’s greatest friend. JARVIS knows everything about Tony, knows more about Tony than Rhodey or Pepper even.

“Save the rest for the turn, J.”

Tony’s gripping the missile, letting it’s own power carry them along. It’ll take all of the remaining power in his suit to steer the missile off it’s guided course. He knows he can do it because Tony knows everything about his suit and everything involving it. And, to be on the safe side, he’ll take his suit to it’s very limits.

“Sir, shall I try Miss Potts?”

The subdued tone of JARVIS is almost enough to make Tony take the missile just close enough. JARVIS is just as important as Rhodey, just as important as Pepper. But Tony will ever only risk his own life. He has enough red in his own ledger to last fifty lifetimes. And maybe this can make up for that in some way.

“Might as well.”

He hears himself answer JARVIS though he doesn’t want to. Tony doesn’t want to call Pepper, doesn’t want to tell her that he’s not coming back this time. He doesn’t want to hear her cry. But he still wants to hear her voice.

He tries not to stare at Pepper’s image as he finds himself rocketing up towards that portal. And he tries not to notice the dwindling power levels of the suit because, if he does, he isn’t sure that he’ll be able to keep holding onto the nuke. But he does.

A moment passes, the blink of an eye and Tony isn’t on his own turf anymore. He’s in the solitude of space, something that incredibly depressing with all of its vast solitude. He could let go now, turn to safety as quickly as he can. But he can’t. Or won’t.

This is the way he wants to go. He doesn’t have to look at anyone’s crying face, not that he’s sure many people would cry for him. He doesn’t have to deal with people being around him, suffocating him with their presence. And he doesn’t have to deal with people he doesn’t like, with people who don’t like him telling him how much he meant.

For a moment, Tony wishes that his father was alive. There’s a part inside of him, that small child, that wants Howard Stark to know that Tony wasn’t a failure. Steve Rogers may have been the apple of Howard Stark’s eyes but Tony wasn’t all that bad in the end.

Because he may not be a hero but he cares. Underneath it all, the figurative and literal suits of armor, Tony Stark cares. A few good things don’t right a world of wrongs but they count. At least, Tony believes that. If he can believe that then he knows that he’s done something good. Something that would make his dad proud of him and maybe, just maybe show Steve that he was wrong.

That Tony Stark wasn’t the man who fought for himself, who cared only about his skin. When it comes down to it, Tony will sacrifice himself if he has to. He will, if only because he wants to believe that he has a heart, that he does care. Maybe if he has a heart, maybe he’s worth something.

He’ll never know now, Tony thinks bitterly. Because here he is, watching a nuke find it’s mark. There’s not enough power left in his suit, the systems are already failing. With no gravity, he can’t tell if he’s free falling or floating. But he knows that he did the right thing as his eyes close and his body plummets back through the portal.