Wild Clumsy Heart

I'm now eight months pregnant. The baby is due March 12 and I'm honestly not ready. Nothing in my life seems to make sense anymore. Zach hasn't talked to me in three months. He sends checks every month to help support the baby and I. It's nice that he is sending checks, but I know it's not because he cares, it's because he feels obligated to. I wish things were different between Zach and I. I'm still in love with him and I want nothing more than him to come running back to me. But of course that won't happen. I was the one who pushed him away, it was my fault. Everything feels like my fault. On top of pushing Zach away, I pushed Cameron away as well. The only friend I seem to still have is Maddie. She has been by my side trough this whole pregnancy. Come to think of it she was there for me during both pregnancies. I feel so bad that the only time I seem to talk to her is when I'm having a baby.

I sighed and threw the covers off of me. I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of my bed and placed my feet on the floor. I sat there for a couple of minutes before deciding to get up and go take a shower. I usually stay in bed all day, but today I had a doctors appointment. I reached the bathroom and turned towards the mirror. I look terrible. There's bags under my eyes so dark that it matches my black eyeliner. My hair is a matted mess and my eyes are bloodshot. I sighed and looked away from the mirror. After getting in the shower and letting the heat trickled down my back I felt better. I even began to sing.

"Oh my gosh Dillon you got a haircut! Oh my gosh Dillon you got a haircut! It's clean, it's smooth, it's new, it's.."

I stopped myself after realizing what I was signing. All of my emotions took over my brain and I couldn't feel my feet. My stomach felt like it was going to explode, my heart hurt, and my tears burned my face. I missed the boys so much that it physically hurt.

After pulling myself together I made a decision that will change my life forever.

Maddie pulled her car into the driveway ten minutes later. I quickly threw on some clothes and met her at the front door.

"Ready to go?"

"Ready as I'll ever be." I replied.

I gave her a half-hearted smile and buckled my seat belt.

The appointment went normally. The nurses checked on the baby and refilled my prescriptions. They asked me the normal questions, How are you feeling, Do you have any questions, Do you want to know the baby's gender? Of course I always say no when they ask me if I want to know that baby's gender. I want to be surprised.

After writing the lady at the front desk a check for the appointment Maddie and I when to our favorite local restaurant. Maddie was going on and on about some boy she met at the bar.

"He asked me for my number, which in my defense I had a few drinks and.."

"Maddie, can I interrupt for a minute?" I said impatiently.

She sat there with a stunned look on her face.

"I have to tell you something. Before you argue with me, I want you to know that this decision is final and nothing will change that."

She nodded her head without breaking eye contact with me.

"I'm moving to California."