Breaking The Silence

As I looked out my window, I caught a glimpse of the thunder clouds rolling in. The air was already beginning to become cold, and it chilled me right down to the bone. I wrapped my pale blue robe tighter around my shivering body, hoping for some warmth. Today just didn’t feel like a good day. Maybe it was something in the air.

Suddenly my Golden Retriever, Noah, cried out, pawing at my leg. I looked down at him, to find worry in his eyes. Perhaps, it wasn’t just me. I calmly petted his head and told him everything was fine. But was it? I had no clue. I really didn't like the feeling I was getting in the pit of my stomach.

I stepped away from the window and walked into the kitchen. As I passed the stove, a stong burning sensation arose in the pit of my stomach. I gripped the counter top with one hand and laid another over my swelling stomach. As quickly as the pain came, it went. When I straightened my body, I noticed that Noah was at my side, looking me up and down, as if to see if I was ok.

“I’m ok, boy,” I sighed, letting out a breath. For a second I asked myself who I was trying to convince. Me or the dog?

I continued on my way from the kitchen into the newly furnished nursery. The paint was brand new, only painted a few days ago. It was a bubble gum pink, for a girl. The little girl growing inside of me. Situated in the corner of the room was the crib that my husband, Nathan, had just put together.

Oh, Nathan. He had been so good to me throughout the entire pregnancy. As soon as we found out I was pregnant, he vowed to be the greatest daddy a child could ever have. And I know he will be. Even when I was only a couple weeks pregnant, he made sure I had everything I needed. Nothing was too small or too big for me.

Whenever a chore needed to be done or something needed to fixed, he always stepped up to the plate. I wasn’t even allowed to clean. One time I tried to vacuum while he was at work, and in return the next day, he packed the vacuum into his car so that I couldn’t do it while he was away. That man never ceases to amaze me.

As I thought about him, I grew lonely. His long hours at his job were beginning to frustrate me. All I wanted to do was be with him. But yet, I know I can’t, because we need money to support our little girl. Still, it’s not easy. So I’ll see him off to work in the morning, if I’m up to it I’ll stop my his work at lunch time, and then wait for him by the window at night.

“Daddy will be home soon, darling,” I whispered and ran my hand over my stomach. But again, who was I trying to comfort? I convinced myself both of us, as she surely needed her daddy also.

As I counted down the hours to Nathan’s arrival, I found things to keep me busy. I gave up on the puzzle long ago, since Noah had stole some of the pieces. Now I was left with reading a book. But even my love for reading couldn’t keep my mind off Nathan.

Again, a strong pain erupted from my stomach. This time it terrified me. Something was seriously wrong. This isn't supposed to happen. It's too soon. I cried out and grabbed hold of the couch. Carefully I stood up, but before I could make it two steps away, I collapsed in a heap on the floor.

This time, the pain grew. It was like a fireball inside of me. I grabbed my cell phone out my pocket and attempted to call my neighbor. But my own tears were blinding my view of the numbers. It took another try to get the numbers right. In agonizing pain, I waited for an answer.

“Hey Mel, what’s up?” Kathy answered.

“I need help,” I groaned, “Something’s not right.”

“I’ll be right there, Mel!” she rushed.

The phone went dead and I let it fall out of my hand, onto the floor. I clutched my stomach and cried out. All I could think of was the little being growing inside of me, and if she was ok. I prayed that she would be. What would I do without her?

Through my tears and heavy pants, I heard someone shuffle through the door.

“Oh Melinda! What happened?” she asked.

“Call nine one one, and Nathan,” I said and shook my head. I knew I couldn't panic. It would only worsen the situation.

She sat there with my head in her lap, my hand gripping hers. When the paramedics arrived they strapped me to a gurney and started hooking me up to wires.

“Miss, can you tell me your name?” a paramedic asked me, shining a light in my eyes.

“Melinda Peterson,” I winced through the pain.

“All right Melinda, can you tell me what happened?” he asked.

As I felt the vehicle start to move, I explained everything.

“Is my baby going to be ok?” I asked fearfully.

“I’m not sure miss,” he said with a look full of regret. Suddenly a million thoughts started forming in my head, along with a bunch of 'what ifs'. We just gone done having a baby shower. What if all this was for nothing? What if this is the end? I haven't had enough time with her! I haven't even been able to go shopping for her! There's so much I need to do!

When we got to the hospital I was met by Nathan at the doors, and all my thoughts disappeared. I was so happy to see his face. But he looked so worried, and that shook me to the core.

“It’s ok, baby. I’m right here,” he cried and held my hand.

“What’s happening to me?” I cried out, to anyone really.

Exactly seventeen minutes later, the doctors were telling me that they couldn’t find the baby’s heart beat. The moment I heard those words, I felt like my whole world was beginning to crash down around me. What happened to my little girl?

“What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.

“We keep looking for it, but we can’t find it,” the doctor said.

“What happens now?” Nathan asked concerned.

“As soon as your wife’s cervix is dialated then we can proceed with having her give birth,” she said.

“I don’t understand, my due date wasn’t for another few weeks,” I said.

“Unfortunately since we can’t find her heartbeat, we need to remove her, or it could be fatal for you,” she explained.

Within twenty minutes I was ready to give birth. I had refused the epideral. The pain of giving birth was much worse then what I had felt earlier, but I did it anyways. I needed to be fully conscious for this. Luckily, Nathan had stood by my side and held my hand throught out it all. After I gave my last push the doctor looked at me with a sorrowful face, and in that instant I knew. My baby girl was gone.

“I’m so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Peterson,” she said as she held my baby in her arms. Suddenly everything became so real. My baby girl was gone. And she's not coming back. This wasn't fair. How could god take her away from us so soon? I didn't even get to see her open her eyes. I didn''t get to hear her first words. I didn't get to see her take her first steps. All of these things that didn't get to happen, won't ever happen.

It's all over, I thought.

I let out a strangled cry and Nathan bent down to hold me.

“Um, one of my nurses called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, so if you would like, there is a photographer here to take pictures of you two with your child,” she said wiping away one of her own tears.

“Take pictures? Why? My baby is dead,” I cried.

“I know, but it seems it has really helped other families. Honey, you did have a baby. The pictures represent proof that she was here, even if was just for a brief moment,” she said.

“How much does it cost?” I asked, afraid of the answer. Certainly something like that must cost a fortune. I mean, who would want to witness something like this? Something so tragic.

“It’s free,” she said.

“We’ll do it,” I nodded my head vigourosly, and Nathan agreed. Anything to help me remember our baby girl. That's when the fear of not remembering popped into my head. What if we forgot about her? What if other people forgot about her? I didn't have enough time with her! Pictures aren't enough!

The next hour of my life was not only the most painful but the most joyful experience I had ever had. We had met a professional photographer, and she had taken pictures of our baby, who we named Madeline Kay Peterson. There were photos of just Madeline, photos of the two of us, photos of Madeline and Nathan, and group shots.

I couldn’t of asked for anything better. I see now that even though I didn’t have enough time to spend with her, the memories will last a lifetime. Before now, if someone would have asked me if I thought it was ok to take a picture of either a dying child or a child that had already passed, I would have said no. But now I see, I would have been wrong.

I was so thankful to the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation. They've given me somethings so remarkable. This gave me a chance to recognize Madeline. Without these pictures memories fade, but with them I can always look back on her life and say she existed.

These pictures are proof. They are proof that she was here. They are proof of what she looked like. They are proof that she had her father's smile and her mother's hands. They are a testament to her life, and what her life meant to us. She wasn’t just here for nothing, she brought my husband and I closer. Her life had a meaning.

That was two months ago. Everyday is a struggle. And everyday I think about her. I think about what could have been, a lot. I think about how I'll never get to see her go off on her first date. How I'll never get to help her get ready for prom. How I'll never watch her graduate from high school. And how I'll never see her marry or have kids.

But here I am today, breaking the silence, and telling the world, I had a baby, this is my baby, and she is beautiful.

♠ ♠ ♠

As stated in the summary, this story was based off of true events. I've wanted to write this for so long, but it's been so hard. Almost two years ago, this happened to my sister. Ever since, I've been very involved with NILMDTS and other organizations. I even plan to be a photographer for NILMDTS. And now I'm even more against abortion than ever, because there are so many families that can't have children, yet here's other people killing their babies. It's not fair.

Constructive criticism is encouraged. Insults are not.

There will be a sequel eventually so if you like it, hit the subscribe button.

And I did not give the characters any specific age, because this happens to all types of people.

In Loving Memory of Elizabeth Kaylene Meade June 28 2010