Suicidal Confessions

Two more weeks… that was it until tour ended. The end of the best experience of my life. After this I would be going home and in a few months we would start recording all of the songs I had written on the road, after Phoebe and Ebony left to go back home I had locked myself in my bunk again and had only come out to play a show and eat. I could sense Beau was getting worried about me but I ignored it because I knew no matter how many time I said “I’m fine” he wouldn’t believe me so I didn’t even bother anymore.

So here I was, sitting in my bunk an old torn up book lying in my lap while I tried to find the right words to spill on the page but I couldn’t think of anything. This was one of the hardest songs I’ve ever tried to write, normally I can just let everything out and the song would work but no matter how hard I tried this one just wasn’t going anywhere. The song was based on one of my past relationships, it was a toxic and violent relationship and I think it’s time I forgot about it and moved on with my life and the only way I could do that was through song.

“There's a darkness,
I can feel it in your touch
I should get away,
I want you way too much”

I was mumbling the lyrics under my breath trying to find a way to continue them but came up blank once again. I know I should probably ask for help but I didn’t want to, hated admitting I needed help with something. Before I got a chance to throw my book across my bunk I heard my phone going off, maybe a distraction would be good for once.

“Hallo” I said, my German accent was starting to show. In the last couple weeks I had been making it my goal to be able to speak fluent German.

“Hey Draken, want to come chill on our bus until we get to the next venue?” TJ asked, I could tell he was hoping to god I would say yes, the boys must be driving him insane. We were all currently driving to the next venue and still had a couple hours until we arrived, why not? I mean I would just drive myself crazy trying to work out this song.

“Yeah dude, when do we stop next?”

“We have stopped” Dammit knew I should pay more attention to my surroundings. I hadn’t even noticed we had stopped moving or the fact that the bus was silent from all the boys getting off for toilet or cigarette brakes. Without replying to him I hung up and grabbed a bag with all my stuff before exciting the bus. I saw all my boys standing not far from the bus so I went to tell them I was going on TJ’s bus for a little bit, I haven’t been hanging around the band lately, the fighting was at an all-time high and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I hated seeing my family fight. I gave them all hugs before looking around for TJ seeing him next to a bus having a smoke with Craig, swear they are secretly dating.

The parking lot was silent except for my heels clicking against the ground, the small noise made both the boys look up and smile.
“Hello Wifey!” TJ greeted me with a hug and sloppy wet kiss on the cheek, he knew I hated that.

“Hey Tom, hey Craig” I said Craig quieter than Tom, I don’t know what it is about Craig but he makes me nervous and blush all the time. I DON’T BLUSH. Once we had all finished a smoke we went back into the warm bus, looking around I saw it was empty all the guy must be sleeping; it is like one in the morning after all.
We sat around playing Halo for a while, both me and Craig kicking TJ’s ass until he decided to go to bed leaving me and Craig alone. Thanks man, best friends forever my but! It was awkward for a little bit until Craig turned his whole body towards me and just stared.

“Yes?” I was so confused.

“20 questions” hmm that seemed fair enough.

“Okay you go first”

“Favorite colour?”

“Red, Favorite animal?”

“Possum, Food?”

“Orange chocolate, Place?”

“Australia”

“Hey that’s where I’m from!” smiling and laughing, well Australia is pretty awesome.

“I know, it’s beautiful there. Anyway best friend?”

“TJ or Beau, they both have been there when I needed them”
“Yeah I was going to ask about that, how’d you meet TJ?” I didn’t know whether to tell him the truth or not, what would he say? Would he ever talk to me again? Yet I don’t lie, it only makes things worse. I’d rather lose a friend than lie to one.
“When we first met he was a massive jerk actually” this brought back memories “We had just met all the Motionless boys and me and Balz were getting along great but TJ hated me for some reason, I later on found out why but at the time we were at each other’s throats. I had just gotten out of rehab and I was already on drugs again, no one knew but I think deep down TJ knew from the beginning. I would have the worst mood swings and normally TJ would be at the worst end of them. Anyway a couple weeks after I met him I found out I was pregnant, don’t get me wrong I was excited but I couldn’t do it. My body was so messed up from all the drugs either the baby wouldn’t survive or it would come out with major problems and I couldn’t put a baby through that. So I had made my decision, I couldn’t keep my baby” I didn’t know if I should go on, looking at Craig’s face I could tell he was upset. He nodded for me to go on so I did.

“I was in my bunk, crying like there was no tomorrow that’s where TJ found me. He took me to the clinic and from that point on he put me in rehab again and hasn’t allowed me near the stuff since. He’s the reason I’m still here right now, I owe him the world for getting me off the drugs”

“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about” Craig said noticing I wouldn’t look him in the eyes. Noticing the awkward silence he cleared his throat and decided to go on with the game.
“Boyfriend?” that was a weird question, normally people only ask that if they like the person, but Craig could never like someone like me, not after hearing that story especially. I knew he had a daughter and would never forgive me for getting rid of my baby.

“Nope, single pringle” I noticed he did a little fist pump under the table, I was so confused. Was there a chance he liked me? Did I like him? God this is confusing, I need coffee.