Suicidal Confessions

I was never good with goodbyes. Thinking about how I might never see them again, maybe if I get into an accident or if they get killed? Would our last words really be “I’ll see you in a couple months, take care” and if something did happen would I be able to come back for a funeral or would I have to stay because of the shows? This all goes through my head in the last moments I spend with them.
I’m not a big fan of physical contact and I don’t show my emotions so that also makes farewells difficult. It starts off with awkward eye contact before they pull me into an uncomfortable hug, my arms hang by my sides and theirs wrap around me like a python it starts to get hard to breath, my shoulder slowly becomes wet with tears and their makeup ruins my shirt they pull back looking at me and continue to tell me about how they are going to miss me so much and it’s going to be weird without me. Not knowing how to respond I manage a small smile before moving on to the next person.

I’ve been following this ritual for the last two years, every time we leave for tour all our ‘friends’ get together and throw a party in our honour but we all know the only reason they are here is because we buy alcohol and its an excuse to get wasted. I don’t even know half the people that show up, I can count my friends on one hand.

“I’ll miss you so much” the bottle blonde sobbed into my shoulder. I didn’t know who she was and by the look on the guys faces I'm guessing they don’t either. Gently patting her back I pulled away and shoved her towards Hayden who didn’t seem to mind the attention. His long arms wrapped all the way around her and his chin rested on her head, over her he send up a wink with his signature smirk on his lips.

Hayden has come to have a reputation as a manwhore. His last relationship was nearly six years ago, he was fifteen and madly in love with Stacy (who was my friend at the time) they had been together nearly a year when she broke up with him for no reason. Hayden was heartbroken and promised never to fall in love again that’s also when his personality changed, he became closed off and rude but I couldn’t really blame him. Hayden came from a broken family he never knew his father and his mother was a drug addict who had died last year. Stacy was his escape and she left him for no reason, no one has spoken to her since. She is now married and pregnant and Hayden can’t even stay with a girl for a couple days.

He began to whisper in the blondes ear making her giggle before he began to pull her away back into the house, you didn’t need to think about what they were going to do. Beau mumbled under his breath before grabbing his bags and storming towards the bus. Great its already starting was all I thought watching Beau’s retreating back. Every tour Beau and Hayden would get into a fight about something or other it ruined the tour for everyone and even the kids noticed when we did shows. It normally ended in a fight between them during the last week before everything went back to normal.

“Aunt Vally” this would have to be the worse part of saying goodbye. It’s hard to explain to a child why you can’t eat dirt but it was harder to try and explain where you would be for the next couple of months. I normally ignored Phoebe during the last week before we left for tour that means she wouldn’t ask questions and normally didn’t notice I had left until I was already gone. It was easier when she was a baby because then she didn’t notice she was happy as long as you brought back a toy.

“I don’t want you to go!” screaming and sobbing she trashed in her mother’s arms reaching out for me, her pudgy hands clenched around air and she screeched. Quickly walking over I pulled her into my arms resting her on my hip trying to quiet her down.

“Shhh, baby I'm going to be back soon and just think of all the great things we can do when I’m back” this made her quiet but she still cried on my shoulder. I hated seeing her cry it made me tear up… well it would if I could cry. I haven’t cried in years and I plan to keep it that way.