You End, I Begin

2012

I’d now been back in Phoenix for three weeks. Things had barely changed in the time I’d been back, my mom was still heartbroken, although she was beginning to make smaller steps forward. Friends were coming to visit and were trying to change her mood but for my mom, it has always been my dad and she didn’t know how to live without him. My younger brother, James, had yet to return to school, I hated that he’d missed so much but I couldn’t force him to go to school when I hadn’t gone back to work myself. I’d checked in with everyone at work a few times to update them and make sure they were still OK with me having time off. I knew I’d have to go back soon, but I just couldn’t face leaving my mom yet and expecting James to look after her. No 15 year old should have to do that.

Joel and I had stayed in contact after that first night. He was still on tour but he was there for me whenever I needed him. His mom also popped round to see how were doing, which was so thoughtful especially since I wasn’t even sure my family and his family were in contact these past few years. Everyone looked at us differently now though, Even if it was just out at the grocery store, I’d see people who knew my parents and they’d want to do things for me, when all I wanted was to be left alone to do my shopping in peace.

While my mom was making slow progress back to being herself, my mood seemed to be like a roller coaster. Sometimes, I’d be OK, I’d be content just walking around the area I’d grown up in and taking in all the changes. It broke my heart to see the music store I used to go in every week had closed down, replaced with a coffee shop and old parks that Carlie and I used to go to now had houses build upon them. Then I’d have these moments where I would just completely breakdown. I’d be overcome with emotion and just cry and cry until there were no more tears. My thoughts would be consumed by everything I knew my dad would miss; me getting married someday, children I might have, getting to see any of his grandchildren grow up, even getting to see James graduate high school. The things most people take for granted. Not having my dad around was worse than I could ever have imagined. He was my protector, he always looked after me, I was his little girl. Even though my parents would push me to do things I didn’t necessarily want to, my dad stood by what I did want and when I left home, even though he never said it, I knew he hated not being able to look after me anymore.

That afternoon, my aunt came to visit my mom and I left the two of them downstairs and shut myself in my room. There wasn’t a lot of my stuff in here, so I grabbed my laptop and began reading emails. A lot of them were work related, I had a couple from Roxy asking how I was, a few junk emails and a lot of clothing stores trying to get me to buy things. After sifting through them all for an hour or so, there was a knock at my door.

“Hey sweetie,” my aunt Julie said, opening my door and poking her head in my room. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” I smiled.

“So, how are you doing?” she asked, sitting on the end of my bed.

“I’m OK,” I answered, not knowing what to say. I wasn’t OK, but I didn’t want to start spilling all my feelings now.

“You sure? I mean, not that we don’t all love having you home, because we do, but is there a reason you haven’t gone back to LA yet?” she asked.

“Well, at first I just wanted to be with everyone, but then with mom, I just couldn’t bear leaving her,” I explained.

“But sweetie, she’s doing so much better now, and she has me and her friends and all our family looking out for her,” she told me. “It’s time for you to get back into a routine and that includes going back to LA and back to work.”

“What about James?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll sort that kid out, too,” she laughed softly. “You don’t need to mother him.”

Over the next couple of days, I began getting my life back in order. I called work and told them I’d be back in at the start of next week, giving me just four more days in Phoenix before I got back on a plane to LA. My bag was being repacked, I was running errands for my mom so there wasn’t too much for her to do after I left, I was making sure James knew how to do things in case mom couldn’t. Basically, I was doing anything I could to keep my mind at ease that everything was going to be OK.

I said goodbye to all of my family and thanked them for all of their help the past few weeks. When I usually came to visit, it was for the holidays or a special occasion and I’d usually see my relatives once and that would be it. I’d seen them more over the last month than I had in the last four years combined and I’d enjoyed all the time we’d spend together, which seemed so weird to me.

The last thing I had planned to do before leave for the airport was visit my dad’s grave. It really felt like I was leaving him behind. I parked my car and walked the endless graves of strangers. Until my dad died, I’d never been to the cemetery alone. My granddad died when I was 11, until now it was the only death I’d experienced and at the time, I was young and I didn’t really understand it. Truth is, it’s now twelve years later and I still don’t understand death. The way people get taken from us so easily and unexpectedly, it just terrifies me that you literally just don’t know when it’s going to happy. I sat at my dad’s grave for about two hours, in silence to begin with and then began talking out loud to him. I just wanted to have a conversation with him again but I knew I couldn’t. So I just talked. A few tears also came out but I knew if my dad was he wouldn’t want to see me like this so I tried to keep them in as best I could.

“I know you will anyway, but look after mom for me,” I said. “She just seems so lost without you, just give her a sign you’re still around, please Dad? I’ll visit again as soon as I can, I promise.”

Back at home, I gathered up the last of my belongings, shoving clothes into bags and throwing chargers around my room. Making sure I hadn’t left anything here, I went around my room, checking my desk and shelves. It was then I noticed the small bit of paper crumpled up at the back of the desk. It was the note from Joel I’d found a few weeks ago.

Then it hit me.

He was part of the reason I didn’t want to go back to LA yet. I’d spent so much time here over the last few weeks feeling like everything was as I’d left it, but I knew something was missing, besides my dad. It was Joel. We’d been talking to each other the whole time I was in Phoenix but he was still on tour so we hadn’t actually seen each other. He’d been so nice in all the messages he’d sent me, I just want to spend some time with him in person to see if this was really him now or if he was just trying to act the nice guy. I wanted to believe he really cared about me. He wasn’t due back until the end of the month, by which time I could be a distant memory again.