A Step to Love

I didn’t do anything other than cry. It was the only thing that kept me from explaining to Pat why the police men were taking Brody away. The last thing I did was remember Brody’s face when he told me he hadn’t meant it, but, how could a person forgive someone that killed a best friend—even if it was just an accident?

Brody yelled he was with his friends, the masked men, as he pointed. He said Sasha was drunk, he said we were all drunk, and that he didn’t even know it was my house.

He only pointed, and shot. It was a dare, he said. What kind of dare was killing his girlfriend’s best friend? He wasn’t aware. What kind of dare is killing someone, anyway? He didn’t reply.

And that’s when they took him.

I heard Brittany’s sobs from afar, which only sent shivers down my spine. “Fuck you! That moth—I hate you, Lilly! I hate that stupid ass-holic jerk you used to date, why did you bri—” She cut herself to breathe some heavy sobs.

We all knew Brit didn’t mean it, but my heart was dangling, piece by piece inside me.

Brit was strangled by her brothers who were trying to calm her down. Alex, feeling as shocked as I did, and Jake feeling weirded-out by the whole situation. At least that’s how he put it to his mother when Alex explained everything to her. George only nodded, understanding.

~*~*~*~*~

Alex hugged me the next day when I tried to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but the tears just seemed to get in the way.

~*~*~*~*~

It was finally Saturday afternoon, and I stood in my undies. I was looking at myself in the mirror, not really caring whether or not people needed to use in the bathroom. I was trying to get ready for my next class with Jay, but I just couldn’t seem to bother.

I felt drained. And I was definitely not looking forward to seeing Jenny, let alone be there with the word about my dancing partner already spread out.

Nevertheless, I had to get out.

“We have a problem, guys,” Jay said a loud, setting a disk bag on the top of a big radio. “Brody’s in jail.” Almost all of the class gasped. I saw from the mirror Jenny’s cold glare. Wait till they heard I was the one who turned him in.

“You haven’t said a word to me in days,” Alex whisper caught my attention. It was only two days. Three today. He pinched my cheek softly, but I still didn’t want to say a word. “It’ll be fine.” Why did he always say that? How was he so sure?

I turned to Jay again and caught him explaining what he had heard, which basically was that Brody was taken away by the police because they found out he was doing drugs. But all of us knew it was way more than that. “Well Lilly, looks like you won’t be having a partner for the Grand Recital.”

I nodded.

“So we can kick her out?” Jenny asked, crossing her arms. A few of her “followers” giggled at that.

Alex scoffed. “Or we can kick you out. You don’t bring much strength to the group, anyway.” I smiled a bit, and tried to cover myself by scratching my hair.

“I looked pretty strong to you a few days ago,” she replied, cocking her head to the side. Her comment received laughter along with a small cheering. “What happened?”

“You cheated on me.”

Jay stepped down between them. “Guys, we’re only days away from this. I gave you a month off, but now it’s time to get back to work.” He sighed. “I’ll take Brody’s part, Lilly. You worked really hard and I’m not just going to leave you hanging.” He came toward me and hugged me. When we parted, he asked me what was wrong. “You look a little tired.”

“Maybe she stayed up late talking on the phone.”

Both Alex and I turned to Jenny who simply smiled in return.

~*~*~*~*~

Sick of the weird drama, I decided to simply destroy myself completely by adding more of it.

I decided it was time. It was the perfect time to balance everything out and start fresh. That is why I was visiting my mother right after our two-hour practice.

I knew it was crazy, but I think no one proved they could handle crazy more than me—and that is why I was waiting behind a glass for the nurse to bring my mother. It felt like waiting for somebody in prison, only the people behind the glass weren’t exactly aware of their actions. Most of them, anyway.

I just needed to say some stuff to her, even though I didn’t think she would understand.

I couldn’t help but to ask myself why they let the relatives of the “crazies” see them and talk to them, if most of them didn’t even recognized them

After a few minutes of holding my blouse tightly and feeling my heart beat faster and faster, the nurse came in with a woman older than her.

When I took a hold of my mother, I didn’t even recognize her brown gaze. It was dark, and simple. It wasn’t red like it used to be. It was a normal brown gaze, but a tired one.

I immediately noticed her hair wasn’t tied up in a bun like it used to be. Instead, it was dancing above her waist, almost graying with time and missing some hair dye. Her hands were tied in front though, and made her move in an odd way from side to side as the nurse led her to a chair in front of the other side of the glass.

I instantly took the phone.

Under the white coat you couldn’t see whether she was thinner or not, but in her face you could see that she needed to gain weight. A lot of weight.

“She refuses to eat more than once,” the nurse explained taking the talkie-phone-thingy up to her ear. “Please, hurry, she needs to rest.” The nurse caressed my mother's hair and gave the phone to her right after untying her hands. She refused to hold her against her ear, so the nurse had to help her.

Her round eyes were balanced with a small bag on each of them.

Her lips were chapped, and her face was extremely white and drained.

My eyes burnt as I took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

She was silent, staring at me slowly.

“I know things were weird, Mom. An—and, I hope you get better, so…you don’t have to stay here, and you can”—tears started falling and my voice started cracking—“be my Mommy again.” I paused. “I don’t show it a lot, but I do miss you.”

I saw the nurse smile.

“I really miss you, and I’m sorry.”

But my mother still stood motionless.

And I kept on going. “You wouldn’t believe the stuff that has happened to me—it’s crazy.” I sighed. “You remember Sasha? One of my best friends?” I paused a bit, looking around. “Well, she died and then I met this g—”

“Em, Lillian?”

I looked up, excited, thinking it would be my mother, but when I looked, she didn’t have the phone on her hand. I turned to the nurse that was tapping gently on the glass.

“Mhm?”

“I’m sorry, but Fabiola isn’t going to respond yet.”

I felt the disappointment hit my face. “When can I see her again?”

“I’ll call you,” it was what she said. “We were going to check if she had any type of response as to seeing a member, but it just isn’t working. We don’t want her to get exhausted.”

I exhaled. “It’s fine, thank you.”

The nurse smiled once again, looking like she felt sorry. She took my mother’s wrists and rubbed them slowly before taking the same long rope and tying them again. When I looked at my mother's eyes, they had stopped staring at me and were now being taken out the door, and out of my life…until the nurse called me.

I knew that wasn’t happening any time soon.

The same way I got in, was exactly the same way I got out; through the door.

“How was she?” Alex asked as soon as I closed the car’s door behind me. Brit was behind me, and smiled from the mirror. Thank God she had cooled off.

“Beautiful,” was all I said.