A Step to Love

“Lilly, are okay, darling?” my aunt’s voice asked.

“Darlin’ you can spill yer guts at us, we won’t mind,” Uncle Laurey’s voice reminded me.

I was mostly in an ocean of confusion.

I wanted to forget about everything.

I wanted to fix everything up.

I was pretty damn tired.

All of the current events flashed by me, making my head spin along with them.

~*~*~*~*~

At morning I had one thought on my mind; the last thought I had last night before falling asleep.

I can’t simply skip a class, I thought. It would completely go against my morals and my almost perfect attendance at this school.

Besides, he would see me in the halls and ask me about everything, tell me he had to speak to me yet again and God knows what else could happen.

“How about we simply run away? Part of a 'fun' moment? We’ll say we got sick or something.” I asked Brit, trying to suck her into my plan.

She shook her head. “No way, Lils. It’s too risky nowadays. Remember the securities cameras they installed thanks to the whole-Brody-mess that spotted all over the news?”

I sighed. “Thank God they didn’t mention his name.”

“Or yours,” she reminded me while I nodded. We stopped in front of her French class and she gestured good-bye to me.

Well, that was it.

I walked to the English room, feeling Mr. Robert’s gaze bore through my back. He stops me before I could turn to my seat and simply whispers, “We have to talk, Lillian.”

“There’s absolutely nothing to talk about, Mr. Roberts,” I said a little too loud.

“What?” he whispered and I turned.

I scoffed at him and handed a thick paper covered by a folder towards his way. “And here’s the list of John Keats’ poems in bold, Arial; just like you asked.”

I turned away and bored myself into his lecture. He babbled mostly about the things we already knew about John Keats. I could sense he wasn’t too concentrated in his work. He didn’t look at me, not even once, which felt as good as it sounds.

I just felt terrified for telling Alex.

I had to. He had to trust me, just like I trusted him. And I did trust him more than anything, at the moment.

Before the bell rung, I ran toward the bathroom and stayed there until the clock struck three.

Honestly, guilt was there.

Skipping classes, please… I’m stupid.

I narrowed everything down to three main situations.

There was still my mom whom lately I wanted to see more than anything. I missed having a mother sometimes, even though I totally adored my aunt now despite her weirdness and despite my mother’s violent attitude. But I was sure that if maybe I’d start again and eliminated the alcohol (she never drank before, but from a while back, she started relying on it. At least that’s what her doctor said and at least that’s what I had noticed), left her a couple of weeks on a yoga class, so she could control her anger management, and start a deep conversation about my father to clear up the air, everything would turn out dandy.

But the nurse still didn’t call me and I was tired of looking every night at the phone waiting for that call to appear until I fell asleep.

Another situation was the Jenny/Brody situation which I was so curious about that it hurt on my stomach every time I saw Jenny. I wanted to simply walk, ask her about it, clear it up and be done with it.

It was all I wanted! To simply ask her, or Brody, how the hell was he out of jail for killing a person.

I didn’t have any feelings for him, we’re clear on that.

Yet, something deep, inside me told me to me kind to him despite the stupid game he played with his “friends”. And I couldn’t help to wonder where they were. I made a mental note to also find out to calm, as Brit could say, my imperative mind.

Then, there was the whole deal with Alex. And Mr. Roberts. And Alex leaving in ten days to go to Cooper. He had (well, mostly I had) decided it was the best option for him. I mean, I didn’t exactly trust those online programs and becoming a doctor meant a lot of work for him. We would still see each other.

I little later than usual, but yes.

I mean, he wasn’t here now, right? And we were surviving. We were fine.

But, could we take that for more than six years until he finished his major and I was still in New York with one year till I finished mine? Our relationship would become a big weight on both of our shoulders.

He still had a lot of work ahead of him.

I did, too.

Nevertheless, we had decided to let things flow. Again.

Finally, to the Mr. Roberts’ thing I was supposed to erase from my mind until bam! I sighed. I still didn’t know what to do. The only option being present: total ignorance.