Change My Mind, Change My Heart

I know to a casual observer I probably look like an anti-social teenager. But if you were to ask my closest friends, they would probably say I’m just a normal teenager. At least, I like to think I’m just a normal teenager; living in the small suburbs of Maryland with my two parents. I go to high school and hang out with my friends on occasion. I get good grades and try not to get into trouble.

No. I, Zack Merrick, am no anti-social. I just prefer to keep my head down and try to get through teenage-hood with as little scrapes and bruises as possible. I don’t hate my life, nor do I love it; there are things I would like to change and some things I wish that would remain the same. However, there is one aspect of my life that I really wish that would change, and soon, and that would be my so-called “love life” or lack of, should I say. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that my lack of a “love life” has turned me into a bitter person when it comes to the subject. I curse under my breath every time I see a couple or scoff at love scenes in those annoying romantic comedies.
____

So, here I am on the bus to school with my ear buds shoved into my ears, trying to block out the world as I observe the various couples from the back of the bus, and feeling the pangs of jealously rise in my gut. It’s Friday and I really just want to get this day over with, so I can lock myself in my room for the weekend with the comfort of my laptop and music. With a scowl, I turn to look out the window in a desperate attempt to make the all too familiar feeling go away, but to no avail.

I get off at the bus stop right outside of my school and trudge my way towards it and into the bustling halls. I know I’ll just be surrounded by more annoying cute couples that keep shoving their happiness in my face -I know, aren’t I the happiest person ever?
With a heavy sigh I make my way toward my locker, where I find one of my best friends shoving his notebooks into his bag.

As I take out my ear buds and turn off my iPod, I mutter a, “hey” to my locker buddy.
“Good morning to you too,” laughs Jack Barakat, as he closes his locker and leans up against it.

I somehow resist the urge to roll my eyes at Jack’s annoying chirpiness – God, sometimes I just want to punch him in the face -he knows I’m not a morning person.

“What’s got you in such a good mood this morning?” I can hear the sarcasm dripping from his words as I close my locker and turn to face him. Jack knows he won’t get much of a response from me, but he likes to try anyway.

“I’ve got an English Lit test today, I guess I’m just a bit nervous,” I say with a shrug. I know that’s a lie, because I studied hard for this test and I’m sure I’ll do fine. I don’t dare trouble Jack with my love problems - if you could even call them that. It’s not that I’m afraid Jack will judge me, because all my friends have accepted my sexuality, I just don’t want Jack to take pity on me. So, it’s much easier to lie about my bitter mood.

“Aw, man that sucks, but I’m sure you’ll do fine. You’re one of the smartest people I know,” Jack says with a sympathetic smile.

At his words, I sling my book bag over my shoulder and start down the hallway toward my first class, with Jack by my side. “Thanks but trust me I’m not that smart,” I say as we make our way through the tight crowd.

“Well, you’re definitely smarter than me,” retorts Jack with a playful laugh.

“Well, maybe you should spend more time actually doing your homework, instead of playing videogames,” I suggest with a smirk.

Jack just waves off my suggestion before we stop in front of my first class of the day – Math, Oh; I really just want this day to end already. “Anyways, see you at lunch, kay? Oh, and good luck with your test.”

“Thanks see ya at lunch,” I say before turning to enter the classroom.
----
“So, are you coming to my place tonight?”

It is now lunch and I’m seated at my usual table surrounded by three out of four of my best friends: Alex Gaskarth, Rian Dawson and Josh Ramsay.

“I don’t know yet, Alex,” I respond while picking the lettuce out of my sandwich.

“What do you mean, you don’t know yet?” asks Rian with an incredulous look.

I sigh again for what feels like the millionth time today, before responding, “It means that I don’t know yet” I re-iterate, as I scan the crowded cafeteria. I’m not really looking for anything or anyone in particular.

“Come on it will be fun. All five of us haven’t hung out in like forever,” pleads Josh, who’s sitting across from me. He flicks his red dyed fringe out of eyes before waiting for my response.

I don’t have a chance to respond, however, before Jack sits down beside me, “Man, I swear that line gets slower and slower every day,” he complains as he places his tray on the foldout lunch table and takes his seat.

“I keep telling you to bring your own lunch. It’s much easier, Jack,” offers Alex.

“Whatever. So, Zack how was your English Lit test?” he asks with an arm around my shoulder.

I look up at him with a smile, “It went pretty well, actually”

“See, I told you, you would be fine. So, what were you guys talking about,” he asks to no one in particular, as he removes his arm from around my shoulders.

“We were talking about how ridiculous your new hair style looks,” jokes Josh with a smirk, as the rest of us break into laughter.

“Shut up, Ramsay. Or I’ll get you departed back to Canada,” Jacks snarls as he throws a grape at Josh, who narrowly misses it.

“Calm down, Barakat. We were just trying to convince Zack to come hang out tonight
at Alex’s,” reassures Rian through his laughter. And Josh sticks his tongue out at Jack.

“Oh,” Jack says, ignoring Josh’s immaturity. He then turns himself around to face me, but I don’t notice. I have decided to resume scanning the cafeteria in hopes of avoiding further interrogation. “Hey Zack?” when I don’t respond he tries again “Zack?!” he says, this time poking at my side.

I snap out of my daze and face Jack with raised eyebrows, “what?”

“You’re not coming tonight?” I’m getting pretty frustrated being asked the same question over and over again.

“I said, I don’t know yet,” I try my best to hide my irritation, but know I’ve failed.

I hear Alex sigh from the seat next to me, “Fine, but I really wish you would come,” a frown ever so present on his face, as he stares at his lunch.

I look down at my light blonde haired friend, and can’t help but frown myself. Alex has been my best friend since elementary school and it kills me to see that I’ve disappointed him.

“Okay, I’ll come,” I finally say in defeat, as he looks up at me and the biggest grin spreads across his face and his caramel eyes twinkle.
You see, as bitter as I am about relationships, I really do hope that I will one day find that someone that will change my heart and I’ll get to experience all that mushy stuff they talk about in those crappy films.

And I kind of secretly hope that someone could be Alex. If only he knew how I felt.