Promises

Don't pretend to be okay when you're far from it.

I didn't want to get up today. It wasn't a good day. It wasn't a happy day. Today was the day of Louis's grandmums funeral. 

He was up before I was this morning. I opened my eyes expecting to see him laying beside me -on top of the covers might I add- sleeping away, but he wasn't. As soon as I sat up in bed I noticed the balcony door open just a crack. I wrapped his extra blanket he covered up with at night around my shoulders and went out there. He was sitting in the chair staring at nothing in silence. It was scary to see him like that. So quiet and not his normal self. It took me a while to coax him up to get dressed. Once I did that, I got myself ready.

He looked rather dashing in his black suit, dark grey, and black tie. His hair was up in it's quiff. He almost didn't put in his contacts but I told him he probably should since he hadn't brought his glasses. When we arrived at the funeral we immediately went to his mum and sisters. Miss Jay was crying making me want to cry, but I stayed strong for her, Louis, and the girls.

Throughout the whole thing Louis held my hand. It didn't bother me. I felt like I needed to hold his hand and give it a little squeeze every now and then to let him know I was here for him. The smallest thing could help him right now. I know if I wasn't holding his hand or here in general, he would have been a mess. He was there for me when my Gramps and Gran passed away, so I was returning the favor. 

“I don't want to go up to the coffin," I muttered in Louis's ear. I didn't like seeing dead people or being within inches from them. Even if the coffin was closed I didn't like it. He looked down at me and nodded with a sad look on his face. The look on his face made me change my mind. I couldn't let him go up there by himself. He didn't let me go up there by myself when it was my Gramps and Gran. “I'll go up with you." 

My grip on his hand tightened the closer we got. The rose I held in my other hand was shaking. As much as I hated this I needed to do it for Louis. I needed to support him. When we reached the coffin we laid our single roses on top. Louis whispered something while I stayed quiet and was practically glued to his side. I stuck with staring at our intertwined hands instead of the coffin. When we walked away I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. 

“Thank you Letty," he murmured, pulling me into a hug. Wrapping my arms around him, I buried my head in his neck. “I'm sorry Louis," I whispered. “I'm really sorry."

I didn't know what else to say. That was the only thing I could think of. There were probably many more things I could say but at this moment there was nothing I could think of. I just held him as tight as I could. 

“Me too babe."


“Louis, what're you doing?" I questioned. He was in our hotel room in the kitchen area drinking vodka straight out of the bottle. 

“Drink--" He hiccuped. “Drinking."

“Why?" I took the bottle from him and took a sip. It was strong and burnt when it went down. He shrugged. “Can't think of anything else to do, so why not," he replied. 

I shrugged and took another sip. Why not? Like he said, there's nothing else to do. The last time we did this was when we were together and were camped out in his old treehouse. We had hijacked our parents alcohol that night and ended up making out until we passed out. We had fun though. I still had the disposable camera from that night. It was in a box in my closet waiting to be developed. 

“I'm not happy anymore," Louis murmured, opening another bottle of vodka. 

I furrowed my brows. “What do you mean? How can you not be happy? You're a member of an international boyband, you're rich, and you could have anything you wanted."

He shook his head. “I can't have anything I want." When he said that he looked directly at me. “I can't have you like I want."

Instead of answering I drank some more vodka. As I kept drinking he started singing. He was drunk. 

“Happiness feels a lot like sorrow 
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go 
But you are gone- not for good but for now 
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good," he sang. 

Happiness by The Fray was his song of choice. I just listened to him sing while I kept drinking. If he was drunk I was going to get drunk too. And it wouldn't take long with me drinking the hard stuff. By the time I finished off the bottle I was gone. Louis had yet to finish the song seeing as he kept hiccuping and pausing to take sips of the clear liquid. 

Ten or so minutes later we had moved to the couch and were watching whatever was on tv. All of a sudden he started singing again. 

“Happiness is like the old man told me; 
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all 
Let it go, live your life and leave it 
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home." 

As soon as he finished, his lips crashed to mine. Almost naturally, I pulled him on top of me as I fell back onto the couch. His lips hungrily attacked mine as his cell phone rang. We stayed in the same position; my fingers gripping the collar of his shirt, while his were on the couch supporting his weight. His lips felt smooth and soft. The kiss intensified and made my alcohol drowned mind go even more fuzzy. 

In the heat of the moment, my tongue danced across his bottom lip. His mouth parted almost immediately; our tongues brushing against one another as we fought for dominance. He carefully rested his body on top of mine, freeing his hands. One of them came up and tangled in my hair while the other dove under my shirt, moving up to my breasts. A gasp left my mouth causing me to pull away from him when he groped my chest. 

His lips moved down to my neck leaving a trail of sloppy kisses behind. I moaned out when he nipped at my neck. My hands worked on getting his shirt off but I couldn't concentrate with his lips on my neck. He finally pulled away with a drunken smirk and easily pulled the shirt over his head, then pulled my shirt off too. Now they both lay in a heap on the floor a few feet away. 

He stared down at me, letting his eyes travel over my newly exposed skin. “You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this again," he whispered huskily. I shivered involuntarily, turning my head to look anywhere but at him. 

“Tell me you want this," he whispered, grabbing my chin forcing me to look at him through glazed eyes. “I want this," I whispered, slightly slurring my words. 

Before I could blink, his lips crashed to mine and his hands worked on pulling my sweatpants off. This was happening. This was really happening.