Say Anything

I slowly opened my front door later that night and stepped into my house quietly. It was around eight o'clock, and I know that that isn’t late, but it was late for my father.

“Where the hell were you!?” I heard him yell from the kitchen. He finally appeared in the doorway and I rotated on the balls of my feet nervously.

“Derek’s.” I replied calmly. “I called you, like usual. So I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess you were with Barbara so you didn’t pick up your phone.”

My father’s face suddenly released its tension and he took a deep breath.

“Okay," He said sternly. "You do know that I’m just strict on you because I’m concerned about you, right?” He asked and pulled on the sleeve of his buttoned up shirt.

“Yes.” I replied while looking down at my feet. I suddenly felt a strong hand on my shoulder.

“Alright.” He replied. “Now go upstairs and do homework.”

I nodded, adjusted my backpack on my shoulder and headed up towards my room.

Even though I love that man with all my heart, I mean, he’s my father, I cannot deny that he scares the living daylights out of me. He’s never tried to hit me, but he’s gotten dangerously close. But I can honestly say that I thank God for Barbara, who has seemed to actually make him somewhat happy, since I've been told that he hasn't been truly happy since my mom was alive.

I fell down on my bed stomach first and immediately remembered MM’s letter. I hadn’t opened it all day because I was around Derek and honestly I’d like to keep MM a secret from him. I don’t really like people to know all that’s going on in my life, and I know that this is going to be immature to say, but if Derek doesn’t want to tell me what’s going on in his life, I’m not going to tell him what's going on in mine.

I reached over and grabbed the envelope out of my backpack.

Bay

That’s not good. Please just promise me you’ll try your best to get off the pills? I know I probably sound like some straight edge loser kid, but I’ve seen what drugs can do to people, and I don’t want that to happen to you. I’m really glad that I’ve gotten you to die down, and maybe I can somehow get you to stop all together. I want you to stop. It’s weird, but I care about you too much to see you do that to yourself.

And to be honest, it’s only been less than two weeks and I feel like I can probably tell you anything (besides my identity of course). At first I was a little sketchy on writing these letters to you. I didn’t know how you’d react or what you’d think, and I’m glad that you decided to write back. You’re still just as interesting as ever and just as beautiful as ever, but I still feel that it’s going to take a while for me to reveal myself to you. It’s been killing me lately not being able to tell you who I am but I know it’s for the best.

Please stick in there. For me.

MM

The higher we all climb, the further we fall.

I sighed and dug my face into my pillow. That was probably the sweetest, yet saddest letter I have ever gotten. A piece of me just wants to stake out by my locker and wait for him to come by and drop in the letter, but I know that he probably would hate me if I did. Heck, I’d hate myself if I did. Doing that would feel so... wrong. I know that there is something that is holding him back from telling me who he is.

I turned over on my back and looked at my ceiling. I feel like no one is telling me anything anymore. Derek won’t tell me about his mom. MM won’t tell me who he even is, and I think I just lost a potential friend in Ryan by turning him down. The only one I know that can be an open book to me is Avery, and that’s just because that is just her personality.

I scanned the contents of his previous letters in my head. He had called me beautiful I have never been called beautiful in my life. Never. I had to smile at the fact that someone actually cares for me in a way that MM does. I know Derek cares for me, but apparently he doesn’t enough to let me know half of the things that has been happening in his life.

MM had said ”The higher we all climb, the further we fall”. What is that even supposed to mean? I understand the concept, but I don’t understand what he’s saying beneath the words. I just can’t read between the lines, and it’s killing me.

I took out a piece of paper MM had given me and began to write a letter back.

MM,

I can't say that I’ll completely stop. But I can definitely promise I can try. Just for you, I promise. And I understand and don’t understand at the same time as to why you won’t tell me who you are. But I just want you to know right here and right now, that I will never judge you, and as much as you may think that I’ll see you and be disappointed or horrified or whatever the hell you’re thinking my reaction will be, I’m not going to. Because I know that who you are is way better that what you look like or the friends you hang out with or the things you do. I like you because of you, and I’ll wait for you.

Baylin.

I sighed and returned to stare at the ceiling. It just hurts that MM would think that I wouldn’t want to know who he is. That he thinks I’m some shallow person. I just can’t stand that he’s afraid to reveal his identity. But part of me knows that that isn’t the only reason why he isn’t showing me himself, there is something else, and as much as I’d like to wait it out and see, I think I'm going to find out for myself.

My eyesight began to get a little blurry and I grabbed the corner of my bed to regain composure. These side effects are getting really ridiculous. I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach lately, and I know it’s because of my abnormal intake of Vicodin. I don’t even know how much I take a day anymore, it’s just whenever I feel I need one, I take one.

I reached out my hand and grabbed the bottle of pills from on top of my dresser. I held the bottle in front of my face and sighed.

“This will be the last one.” I muttered to myself, even though I knew it was a lie.