I'm Nothing Without You

The wind whipped my hair across my tanned face as I stood at the edge of the pier. The air smelled of the salty ocean and I breathed it in deep as if it were the last time I would ever smell it again. The sky was a deep purple color as the sun slipped below the horizon. I let my eyes flutter closed, but only for a moment. Once I opened them, the sun was gone and the moon had taken its rightful place in the night sky.

I sighed deeply to myself and sat with my legs dangling over the side of the wooden dock. It was getting late and I knew I had to head back to the apartment soon, but I couldn’t bring myself to face what was waiting for me.

“Camellia?” The sound of my real name sounded foreign. I hadn’t been called Camellia since I was ten.

I turned around to find Ryan Ross, my brothers’ best friend standing over me. His normally shaggy brown hair was combed neatly on his forehead and flipped to the side to stay out of his eyes. His white polo stood out against his tanned skin and his khaki shorts hung loosely at his waist.

I rolled my eyes and turned back towards the water. “Did Spencer tell you to come find me?”

Ryan nudged my thigh with his flip-flopped foot and I scooted over. He sat down next to me and leaned back on his elbows. “No, I was just walking by and saw you sitting here.”
I skeptically glanced over at him and he smirked. “Alright, yes…he told me to come find you.”
I groaned and Ryan sat upright so he could look me in the eyes. “Cam, he is worried about you.”

“Well you can tell him I’m not ten years old anymore; he doesn’t need to protect me.”

Ryan took his gaze off of me and shrugged. “He knows that, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.”

I glanced back at Ryan and studied his face. If he wasn’t so obnoxious I would have thought he was cute. He caught my eye and I instantly felt self-conscious. I knew my hair had fallen out of the neat pony tail it had once been in and my mascara was probably stained down my cheeks. If all of that were true, Billy didn’t seem to notice.

“If he cared so much, why did he send you to find me?” Ryan averted his eyes from me. “Why didn’t he come find me himself?”

He was silent for a few moments and I knew I had hit the nail on the head. Spencer didn’t care about me enough to search for me; he didn’t care about anybody but himself.

“I’m taking you home.” Ryan’s voice was tight as he stood up abruptly.

“No need, I can walk home.” I stood up as well and made my way down the pier, leaving Ryan behind.

I walked up the stairs to my brothers’ apartment and hesitated at the door. My heart was pounding in my chest as I unlocked the door. I pushed it open and stepped into the cool, air conditioned house. The foyer was dark except for the small dim light that streamed out from the kitchen around the corner. I kicked off my old flip flops and quietly made my way to the door to my bedroom.

“Cam, is that you?” My brothers’ voice sounded tired and I sucked in a breath. I didn’t want to deal with him tonight, not until the tension from tonight blew over.

I stepped into the kitchen and onto the cold tile floor. Spencer was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee placed in his hands. He always drank coffee after he got drunk, he used to tell me it was the easiest way to sober up. His dark short hair was messy and there were dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t even look up at me but he motioned to the chair opposite of him. I sat down and he took a sip of his coffee.

“I didn’t know how to handle myself after the phone call from the hospital today.” He started, tears welling in his eyes. I just stared at him; I hadn’t seen my brother like this before. It was almost as if I were sitting across from a stranger.

“Hearing that mom died was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.” A tear fell from his green eyes and he quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. Spencer was only twenty-five, but tonight he looked almost forty.

I never really knew my mom. She had left before my first year in middle school and even before then she wasn’t around much. I remember her coming home late at night, sitting on my bed smelling like alcohol and saying ‘don’t forget how beautiful you are’. I was always awake, but I never wanted her to know.
After she left, my brother was eighteen so he got his own apartment in Wilmington, North Carolina. I was left with my dad, who was also an alcoholic, for four years before I moved in with my brother. Since then, Spencer and I have never spoken about our lives before Wilmington

“I know you weren’t as close to her as I was, but she was all I really had.” He stood up from his chair and dumped the coffee into the sink. “I’m going to bed.”
He walked out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. I let out the breath that I had been holding in and pushed myself up from the table. I walked past Spencers room and I could hear him sobbing. Even though Spence and I weren’t close, hearing him this upset wasn’t what I wanted.

That night I didn’t sleep at all, I just listened to my brother cry himself to sleep.