Darkest Before the Dawn

“I’ll get you far away from this one day, okay?” he whispered. All she could do was squeeze her eyes shut, knowing that that probably would never happen. It never did.

There was always someone around promising her that same thing, but they never followed through. They’d always just look at her with that same look of pity and feed her that same line, “I tried.”

She could always rely on her current boyfriend whoever she was closest to at the time to utter those words to her in some form. She could count on one hand how many times she had heard those same words and count on the other hand how many times they had turned out to be just empty promises, because they were the only ones who got away from this.

This was her life. Had been her life for some time now and she had learned quickly that she probably wouldn’t ever get away from it.

She used to be angry about it. It had all started when her father left in the middle night a few years ago.

“Shelby,” her father had said, waking her up. She had thought she had been dreaming.

“Dad?” she had mumbled sleepily, rubbing her eyes as he sat on the edge of her bed.

“I just wanted to let you know I love you,” he had whispered. “Never forget that.”

Shelby had remembered that when she had woken up the next morning, she had found her mother at their kitchen table, sobbing into one hand while her other hand held a crumbled paper. She could see her father’s handwriting on it and when she looked around, she saw that there was a few things missing. He had left.

She had hoped that things would get better, that her mom would be happy again, that things would change. The only thing that did change, though, was that her mother sank even further into a depression that Shelby didn’t know could possible exist. While Shelby had found ways to cope with her father leaving, her mother had turned to drinking.

And with the drinking came a drastic change in Shelby’s life. She had to grow up fast. She had to take care of her mom when she had too much to drink and couldn’t stand on her own, she had to deal with the muttered accusations.

“It’s your fault he left.”

She was always amazed when she found herself with a boyfriend, or someone who cared enough about her that they didn’t leave the second they found out about her life. But they were there, if only for a little while.

She felt a new shift in her life when she met Logan. He was new to her school her senior year, and they found themselves drawn to each other. When Shelby had finally gotten to the point where she felt comfortable sharing her home situation she found out why she felt connected to him: Logan lived with an alcoholic father.

Finally they had found someone that they could find comfort in who understood their situation. Someone who finally understood that it wasn’t as simple as walking away because after all, the people they wanted to get away from was their family. They were the only thing that their parents had…no matter how badly they treated them.

They understood that the promise of getting each other away from there was pointless because there was no getting out of this life. It just wasn’t that simple.

So it came to a shock to Shelby when Logan uttered the words she thought she’d never hear him say.

They were sitting in the field that was behind Shelby’s house, enjoying the warmth of the summer night. She kissed him softly, happy and content to know that not everything and everyone in this world was bad.

He kissed her again, his hand resting gently on the side of her face. He smiled softly when he pulled away, eyes connected. Then suddenly he was serious.

“I’m going to get us far away from all of this one day,” he said softly. Instantly she turned away from him, staring at the field in front of them. Shelby was silently wishing that he hadn’t said that, that he would take it back, make it out to be a joke. But all that came was a kiss on her cheek and a whispered, “I love you.”

She closed her eyes, knowing that now that those words had been said, things weren’t ever going to be the same.

---

You wouldn’t think someone could get used to the smell of vomit mixed with various kinds of alcohol and whatever had been for dinner that night, but somehow Shelby had managed. As was per usual, her mother had drank herself into a stupor until she passed out on the couch. Shelby had her propped on her side, and as luck would have it, her mother had thrown up. She had just barely gotten a wastebasket next to her head.

It was moments like these that she was glad she didn’t have any siblings; especially younger ones. It was difficult enough trying to get through high school while having to worry and care for her drunk mother, but somehow she managed, even if just barely.

If she were to be thankful for anything, even though it sounded horrible, it had to be that her mom was just a drunk. A depressed drunk who only made the occasional nasty comment. Logan told her that his father was violent. He told Shelby that his father used to be the nicest man until his mom had died from breast cancer. It was the liquor that made him violent. Logan didn’t have to take care of his father the way she did her mother… He just had to watch out for his father’s violent moments. Watch out for that swinging fist.

---

She wouldn’t have known Logan was there if she hadn’t looked out her bedroom window. The moon was out, lighting up the field out back and sitting almost out of sight in the tall grass was Logan.

Quickly checking on her mother, Shelby found that she was asleep and on her side, a bucket already placed nearby. She headed out the back door to Logan.

Shelby knew something was wrong just by looking at how he was sitting; shoulders hunched, knees pulled to his chest. He didn’t look at her when she fell to her knees beside him.

He was holding a tissue to his nose, and she could see he was bleeding from the dark spots already staining it.

“Did he do that?” she asked. He glanced at her.

“What do you think?” he replied. Shelby stayed silent knowing that he didn’t really want to talk about it.

When he did look at her, she could see that his right eye was almost swollen shut.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he muttered, reaching forward with a free hand to wipe at a tear that had escaped her eyes.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she whispered, taking his hand in her own and kissing his palm softly. They were both silent now, just sitting there. She didn’t let go of his hand.

“Will you leave with me?” he asked after a few minutes. She looked at him and found that he was already watching her.

“Leave and go where?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Logan said, looking straight ahead. “Anywhere is better than here.”

Shelby looked back at her house, dark and silent. She thought of her mother, helpless and unable to care for herself. What would happen to her if Shelby was gone? Who would take care of her then?

“I can’t,” she finally whispered.

“Why?” he asked. “For her? What has she ever done for you? You can’t even live your own life because she can’t stand straight on her own.”

“But she’s my mother,” she said. “I wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for her. I owe her at least that.”

“You owe her nothing,” Logan said vehemently. “You’d be smart to leave.”

“I can’t,” Shelby repeated and Logan pulled his hand from hers. She watched as he buried his face in his hands.

“I can’t stay here,” he mumbled. “I can’t live there anymore. I’m leaving with or without you Shelby, though I’d rather leave with you.”

She wiped at her eyes, realizing she had started to cry.

“I wish more than anything that I could just leave,” she whispered.

“Yeah, well,” he said, standing up. “We all wish a lot of things. I’ll talk to you later.”

She watched as he walked away. Shelby knew he was upset and she truly wished that she could have gone with him but her mother needed her. She couldn’t just walk away from family no matter how tough things got.

---

It wasn’t until the next day that Shelby realized that last night was the last time she’d ever see Logan, and that hurt the most. She had loved him—still loved him, had thought that he understood. But she supposed she actually hadn’t fully understood him. She should have known that when he spoke those words she hated to hear so much that he was serious.

And it wasn’t until Shelby felt the stinging on her cheek where her mother’s hand had just been that she wished more than anything that Logan was there… that she at least had a new opportunity to leave this life. Her mother had never hit her before, and now that Shelby knew what that abuse was like she longed for someone, anyone, to come along and take her away from here.

So the next time she found someone who offered her what she used to wish had never been offered in the first place, she welcomed it.

“I’ll get you far away from this one day, okay?” he whispered.

And instead of wishing he hadn’t said any of it, she whispered right back, “You promise?”

And of course he promised. They always promise. She held onto that promise; held onto it tight. Those promises were her life preservers, keeping her from drowning.

Soon she didn’t have time for boyfriends though. They had all left, broken promises trailing behind them as they left her. Shelby had no one to give her promises except for herself. She promised herself every day that she would get far away from all of this.

But even she couldn’t keep that promise.

---

Logan eventually came back, guilt getting the best of him. His fingers traced over the fading bruise that had formed around Shelby’s eye and all she could do was hug him, wishing that she would never have to let go.

Her mother had died; liver failure. Somehow Logan had heard, but Shelby didn’t care how. He was there and that was all that mattered.

So when Logan asked her if she would leave with him, there was no hesitation in her answer. Nothing holding her back and keeping her tied to this town. She welcomed the opportunity to leave with open arms.

She wished she had been able to say yes to Logan that night in her field, especially if she had known how things would turn out after that day. She never would have stayed if she had known that things would get worse, had known that her mother could be violent.

She almost couldn’t believe that Logan had returned at all. She truly thought she would never see him again. When he had hugged her, relief had washed over her in delicious warmth. The dams broke and she cried like she had never cried before. She hadn’t even shed a tear for her own mother. She wasn’t worth it anyways. After everything that Shelby had done for her… It was all for nothing.

As soon as her mother was buried, six feet under, Shelby left and never turned back.