A Night to Last a Lifetime

The next three months were a whirlwind. In between puking and napping, I tried to work as much as possible so I could save up as much money as I could. I started showing not long into my third month and I was constantly sending belly pictures to Jeff – he was very adamant on being as updated as possible. We Skyped a few times a week but never really discussed where we stood. I, obviously, wasn’t seeing anyone else but I wasn’t sure about him. I figured we’d deal with that when we were together again in Canada. The only thing that we both agreed on for sure, was that my pregnancy stay quiet. He needed to focus on his game and couldn’t be constantly answering dumb questions and I was stressed enough as it was trying to organize my move back to Canada.

Just before my five month mark I arrived back home to Kitchener and was ready to get settled and start getting the nursery figured out. As soon as I got back into town I had a doctor’s appointment and we were finally at the point where we could find out the sex of the baby. Sitting in the room, waiting for the doctor to come in, I called Jeff.

“This is it!” I said. “We’re going to find out!”

“Can we face-time?” he asked. “I really want to see this.”

“Fine,” I said. After we were all set up the doctor came in and asked the routine questions. I explained that the father couldn’t be there so that was why we had the phone set up. She introduced herself into the phone and then caught a glimpse of who was at the other end. I noticed her raise an eyebrow and purse her lips. As soon as she turned around I looked into the camera and rolled my eyes, thinking, “This is the shit we’re always going to have to deal with…”

Not long after, I was laying down and she was ready to tell us. I held my breath in anticipation until she said, “It’s a girl!”

I immediately started crying and looked at the phone to see Jeff’s reaction. He was crying too and in the moment I was amazed at how we had gotten to this point. Nobody could have seen this coming yet, here we were, looking at the ultrasound of our daughter.

It was a couple weeks later and the season was officially over for Jeff. He called early in the day to let me know that he was packing up the last of his stuff and leaving the next day to drive to Kitchener. “I’ll be there in three days,” he told me. “That’s all. Then we can finally be on our way to getting this completely figured out!” He sounded so excited and I couldn’t help feeling the same way. He had stood by me this long so I was starting to accept the fact that, maybe he really was in this for the long run.

Two days later, I woke up in extreme pain. “Holy fuckkkkk,” I whispered as I rolled over to look at the clock. 9 AM. That meant that both Mom and Dad were gone to work. I stayed in bed for a little bit and the pain started to ease off. “Okay, no big deal,” I thought as I rolled back over to go back to sleep. About 20 minutes later, the pain started again. I picked up my cell phone and dialed my mom’s number.

“Mom? I think there’s something wrong,” I said the moment she picked up.

“What do you mean?” she asked, nervously.

“My stomach is really hurting,” I said, starting to cry. “Like, really really bad.”

“Um, that could be anything. Listen, go to the hospital, okay? Do you think you can drive there? I can get out of here in like, an hour and meet you there.”

“Alright,” I said, slowly climbing out of bed. A half an hour later I finally made it to the hospital – a 10 minute drive away – after having to pull over on the side of the road to throw up numerous times. I slowly walked in the emergency room and made my way up to a desk.

“Um, hi. I’m in a lot of pain. I’m throwing up a lot more than usual and my stomach is seriously hurting. I think there’s something wrong.”

“Well, honey,” the nurse smiled at me. “It sounds like you’re in a labour! When did the contractions start?”

“Uh, no. I can’t be in labour,” I said, nervously. “I’m only 5 months pregnant…”

“Oh. Dear. Um, okay. Grab a seat, hun. I’m going to go get a wheelchair. You should probably call the father.”

I sat down and dialed my mom’s number first. “Can you please get here? The nurse seemed really nervous when I explained what was going on… She said I’m in labour.”

“Oh, God!” Mom exclaimed. “I’m on my way! I’m calling your sister and father. Call Jeff, okay, but don’t alarm him. This could be nothing…” She trailed off.

“Well, why are you calling everyone?” I asked, confused.

“Honey, just call Jeff.”

I hung up and dialed the number. “Hey, what’s up? I’m just leaving the house now! I’ll be there tomorrow!” he answered excitedly.

“I think you might want to grab a plane instead…” I said. “I’m at the hospital. They think I’m in labour. Can you please just get here?”

“Tori, you’re only five months along,” he replied. “You can’t be in labour yet.”

“I’m well aware of that Jeff but the nurse told me it’d be a good idea for me to call you and to be honest, I’ve got a really bad feeling about this,” I said, starting to cry.

“Oh my God. Okay. Um, I’ll get there. Soon. I promise!” He hung up quickly.

The nurse came around the corner with a wheelchair and a doctor. “Hello Tori,” he shook my hand. “I’m Dr. White. I’m just going to get you to sit in here and come with me. We’ll see if we can figure out what’s going on.”

A short while later, I was hooked up to countless monitors and Mom was rushing in through the door. “What’s happening,” she asked, out of breath.

The doctor approached her a pulled her aside, “Well, we’ve determined that she’s definitely in the early stages of labour…” he started.

“Oh, God no. That’s not possible. She can’t have the baby yet!” Mom said, trying to stay calm.

“We’re doing everything we can to stop the labour but it seems to be progressing. There’s nothing we can do at this point but see what happens.”

“Mommy,” I whispered, crying silently. “This isn’t good is it…?”

“Oh, baby. It’s okay. It’s going to be fine.”

A few hours later my labour was still consistently progressing and the doctor was telling me they were going to have to rush me in for an emergency C-section. Although I was only 5 months along, if they got the baby out of me and into a controlled environment there was more they could do for her. “Jeff’s not even here yet. He wanted to be here!” I responded, starting to get frustrated. It seemed like nobody was listening to what I was saying and what I wanted. I wanted everything to stay the same. I was supposed to have months left to figure all of this out. This wasn’t supposed to be happening!

They broke me down, explaining the baby would surely die if this didn’t happen now so I signed the proper forms and was in surgery before I knew it. All I remember throughout the surgery is a silent, tiny, but breathing baby being shown to me and then nothing. I blacked out and came to a few hours later back in my hospital room. I woke up slowly, looking around for the baby but instead saw Jeff sitting next to me, holding my hand. “What’s going on,” I said quickly, trying to sit up.

“Hey,” he whispered, starting to cry. “I was too late.”

“What do you mean? You’ll get over that. You’ve got 18 years to make up for that! Where is she?”

He just shook his head. “Tori, she was too early. It was too early for her,” he started crying harder. “I’m sorry…”

“No,” I whispered, looking around again. “NO! THAT’S NOT TRUE! I SAW HER!” I started shouting. My mother barged into the room, hearing the yelling. I looked at her and could tell that she had been crying.

“Mommy, no,” I whispered, starting to cry myself. “She’s fine. Tell me she’s okay.” She started shaking her head and I pulled my hand away from Jeff’s. “Oh my God,” I started sobbing. “No, no, no! I need to see her,” I said, looking at Jeff. “Have you seen her?”

He nodded his head. “I had to. I didn’t believe them either. Tori, she was just so tiny,” he put his head down on the bed. “It wasn’t time for her yet. She was too early and I was too late!”

He stood up suddenly and walked out of the room. I watched him in disbelief.

“How did this happen?” I asked my mom, who quickly took Jeff’s spot.

“They don’t know why, it just did,” she explained. “You started bleeding a lot after the surgery too so you blacked out. They took her to the NICU and did everything they could. They really did Tori. They tried hard. They just couldn’t save her.”

I started crying so hard I couldn’t speak. After everything that had happened, this was what we were left with. Nothing. No baby, just a lot of broken hearts. “Where’s Sophie?” I choked out.

“They’re on their way. They should be here soon. Hun, they don’t know yet. They’ve been travelling since yesterday. I haven’t been able to get them on the phone.”

Jeff came back into the room and Mom excused herself. I looked up at him, just wanting him to go away, but I saw in his eyes that he was just as heartbroken as I was. “I’m sorry,” I said to him.

“For what? This isn’t your fault. There was nothing we could do.”

“I’m sorry for all of it. If I hadn’t been such a fucking slut none of this would’ve fucking happened! Jesus. What have I done. What am I even doing?!” I cried in frustration. “I made this happen. This is karma for me being a fucking idiot. I really thought I was going to be a good mom, you know? We were going to have a baby girl,” I started sobbing again. Jeff came over and sat down next to me, holding my hand again.

“It isn’t your fault,” he whispered. “Nobody saw this coming.” He started crying again too.
“It’s okay. We’re going to get through it, I think,” he said. I looked up at him, furious.

“We’re not going to just get over this!” I yelled. “You don’t just move on from something like this!”

“Listen, just because she’s gone doesn’t mean I am. Together, we’re going to deal with this, okay? Tori, I’m hurting just as much as you are. Don’t belittle that.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, once again. “I’m just so sorry…”