Kaleidoscope

When we got home, Umma Eun Jin was on her way from Gangnam. I couldn't believe it when I first heard it, but it was true. She'd chartered a plane over as soon as she got the news. Father was busy with business so Umma Eun Jin was bringing Jae-Sun down with her.

"Be nice to her, Iseul," Bae Jun-oppa told me before he drove away. He was going to the office to make the arrangements for the ceremony. I just swung the door behind me and went to my room. I couldn't even begin to describe the emotions I was struggling to control that day. There was such a large part of me that desperately needed to cry and another, more dominant part that wouldn’t let that happen. I wanted to run away, somewhere, anywhere. I wanted to get away from there, from where it hurt me too much to look around and see her.

But my feet took me to the one place I'd always found comfort in - my mother's room - and in a rush, I pulled out every single article of clothing she'd owned from the drawers and onto the bed. I buried myself into those clothes, inhaling her scent, desperate to hold on to some part of her for just a moment longer.

And still, I couldn’t cry.

I must've fallen asleep because when I came to, Jae-Sun and Jung-oppa were in the living room while Umma Eun Jin cooked in the kitchen. Min Ho-oppa and Chang Sun-oppa were in their rooms. Jae-Sun ran to hug me when he saw me.

“Eunnie!” he yelled before leaping into my arms. I gave him a quick hug before turning to stare at the strange boy in front of the television. Jung, eyes puffed up from what I assumed to be crying, winked at me. I frowned and set Jae-Sun down again.

Joon Myun, when you turned around, when I realized that that boy was you, I felt like someone had taken my heart and pushed it through my chest. It would’ve been a difficult job to do that, considering that it was still pretty broken. Several things ran through my mind at that exact moment. The first was how in the world did you get to Incheon? I’d permanently engraved you into my stay at Gangnam – four years ago, far away from here and from the reality I was living. How could it be that you were now one and the same?

The second was why. Why would you be here? What possible reason could you have had to leave your home, your family, to come here? And the third, perhaps very important thing was that I was still wearing my school uniform and that I still had bed hair and that, oh god, was that my hair pin I saw hanging in front of my eye?

“Iseul,” you said, standing from the seat, “you’re here.”

I didn’t know how to react.

It wasn’t until you were right in front of me, grinning, that my mind started working again. Awkwardly, I greeted you back and then smiled. The action felt strange. Should I even be allowed to smile at a time like this? Was this fluttering in my tummy a sign of happiness or extreme tragedy?

“What are you doing here?” I only vaguely registered that Jung had taken Jae-Sun to another room. You pulled my hand and walked me to the sofas. My tummy started doing back flips when you did that. I seriously wondered how you couldn’t have noticed my sweaty palms or quickened breathing.

“Iseul, how are you?” You asked once we had sat down. You still had your hand wrapped around my wrist and the warmth of your fingers was making me shudder.

I stared at you. What else could I do? I was smaller, I wanted to tell you, like the girls on tv. My hair was longer than it had been when we last met, past my shoulders now, and my skin had cleared. Did you notice, Joong Myun? Or was I some sick idiot for thinking those things the day my Umma died?

“I’m f-fine. What are you doing here?”

You sighed, “I came over a few days ago, with Chun Hei. My mother called this morning to tell me Emo Eun Jin was coming down, and why. I picked them up from the airport.”

My eyes fell to my hands

You must have mistaken my shocked silence for grief because you rushed forward and embraced me. When your arms pulled me close, the lingering scent of your cologne enveloped me with a strange sense of familiarity. It felt like when you first get back home after a long trip. The part of me that wouldn’t let me cry weakened a tiny bit.

“I’m so sorry, Iseul. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Will you stay for the ceremony?” I asked. I shouldn’t have done that, honestly. It seemed too personal a question to ask. We’d only met once, four years before. What right did I have to ask you something like that? I wasn’t even sure whether we were still friends.

You moved away then looked at me. “Do you want me to?”

I took in the way your dimples creased your cheeks, the way your hair was falling over your eyes, and the way the light from the lamps reflected in their deep brown. I took in the way your hands were still on the sides of my arms, gripping tight, and I realized that yes, I did want you to stay. I needed you to be there for me, to be my person. I needed my warrior to remind me of a time where everything around me didn’t feel like it was falling to pieces.

Wordlessly, I nodded. After a moment so long I was afraid you were going to say no, you nodded too.

“Yes, I will.”