Kaleidoscope

And you stayed, Joon Myun. You stayed with me, even though we hadn’t met or spoken in four years. You stayed by my side, and held my hand when they lowered Umma’s casket into the ground. You walked me to the car afterwards, and didn’t say anything when the dam of tears I’d held back finally burst. You let me cry on your shoulder, and you told me that everything was going to be okay.

After you left, Jung told me that you might’ve had a crush on me. I brushed that aside though. You couldn’t like me, not in that way. You were just being you – kind, sensitive and comforting. You were my warrior, my knight in shining armour. Jung didn’t understand that. But still, the thought made me blush just a little.

Two weeks after Umma’s funeral, Appa called to tell me that I was to move in to Gangnam as soon as finals ended. Perhaps being his only daughter meant that he’d be more prone to paying attention to my well being. The thought depressed me though.

Incheon was my home. It held within it memories I held dear, remnants of my Umma that I wasn’t willing to let go just yet. Not one single iota of me had any intention of leaving. Not even the realization that I’d be closer to you could change that. But I was a child then, and what could I do but to follow my Appa’s wishes?

With a heavy heart and tears in my eyes, I bade my brothers’ farewell and boarded the next plane to Gangnam. When I got there, Appa’s chauffeur was waiting. He looked like a penguin, in his suit, and I felt a little embarrassed to be seen with him. Nevertheless, I helped him load my bags into the trunk and waited quietly while he drove us through jungles of metropolitan buildings and sidewalks to the clean, polished avenues of the upper class my mother had so despised.

As soon as I got to the house, I pushed my bags up the stairs to my room and shut the door. Refusing communication with everyone but Jae-Sun, I let the self pity and anger I’d nursed on the flight flood over. When Appa and Umma Eun Jin got home, they made sure to let me know that my presence at the dinner table was a requirement.

I pulled on the scruffiest ensemble I could and trudged downstairs in my fluffy bunny slippers and uncombed hair. Jae-Sun was the first to see me. He took one look at my slippers and broke in to fits of giggles.

Appa seemed offended. “Is that how you dress for dinner?”

I clenched my jaw. “Umma didn’t expect us to keep such frivolous formalities back in Incheon.”

Appa’s eyes widened, then narrowed. He opened his mouth to say something else, a sharp rebuke maybe, when Umma Eun Jin stopped him.

“What you’re wearing is fine, Iseul. Please join us.”

Motioning to the empty chair beside her, she gave me a smile so sweet I almost forgot what a she-devil she was for breaking my family apart. My resolve didn’t break though. I couldn’t disobey my father directly, but that didn’t mean that I had to make things easier for him.

“I’m not hungry. I had something to eat on the plane.”

Appa’s knuckles turned white. It was only then that I realized how hard he was gripping his chopsticks.

“You will sit down and eat with us as is expected from everyone in this family.” He spat, glaring at me. I met his stare head on.

“Well I’m not part of this family, am I? She...” I glanced pointedly at Umma Eun Jin, “is not my mother and he...” this time at Jae-Sun, “will never really be my brother. I’m not part of this family and I never will be.”

That was the first time my Appa really ever hit me, Joon Myun. But you know that it wasn’t the last.