Safe and Sound

The bathroom was the only place I could find solace. I lay in the tub, filled to the brim with steaming hot water, only a single candle lit to give me light. Quietly, I watched the shadows dancing across the walls, bathing them in an orange glow that is some how haunting and beautiful at the same time.

Draco was not home when I returned, but surprisingly, I didn’t find myself worried. I was so preoccupied with what had gone down that night, I couldn’t think of anything but grief and the upset stomach that I had since I had returned to the manor.

Though I knew it was the most dangerous thing I could have ever done, I could find no way to believe that what I had done was wrong. i knew how stupid it was of me to risk my life, to attack my fellow death eaters like that, but it was their life or my brother’s, and it was absolutely no competition.

I sank down a little further in the tub, my lip touching the hot water. I could barely see my reflection above the water, but my green eyes reflected on the water, just enough so that I could see them. They were a darker green that usual, as if they had faded and were tired of being bright and lively.

As of late, many things about me had changed. It was harder for me to keep calm, harder to bury the anger all the time. It was harder not to kill anyone that go in my way. It was like the more I saved Harry, the more I buried myself in darkness, hiding and trying to ignore it instead of facing it.

My ears perked as I heard my bedroom door open and closed. I patiently waited, watching as my breath leaving my nose fluttered across the water, making it ripple. The footsteps came to the bathroom door and I heard the soft knock and Draco murmur, “Are you okay, love?”

I slid so that my mouth was above the water. “I’m fine, Draco. Just bathing is all. I should be done momentarily.”

Without another word, he faded away from the door and I heard my door open and close once more, Draco leaving me behind. I sank back into the water, wondering what I was supposed to do now, where I was supposed to go from here. My life was a confusing mess, and I had no way to navigate it.

Once I was out and dried, I quietly moved across the hall to Draco’s room. I entered without knocking, quietly closing the door quietly behind me. I turned to face Draco and raised my brows, slightly in amusement and in gratefulness that he was fast asleep on his bed, not even under the covers.

Smiling slightly, I moved over to his bed and pulled the cover from under him. He murmured quietly, rolling his head but not waking up. Once I had the covers from under him, I pulled them over him and moved around to the other side, climbing in as smoothly as possible without waking him.

I propped my back against his nightstand, sighing and brushing his hair from his face. Draco always found the most peace in his sleep, especially when I was brushing his hair. A part of me panged with sadness, knowing that sleep brought him an escape and harmony that I could never bring. I was chaos incarnate and I was part of the nightmare he escaped every night.

A single tear slid down my face and I let it fall, leaving a trail of salt and sadness behind. There was no greater pain in the entire world than knowing you were part of the life that the one you loved tried to escape at night, to know that you cannot do a single thing to lessen their pain.

No mattered how hard I tried, and even if somehow we escaped Voldemort’s control or even if the Dark Lord took over and left us in peace, I would forever be a part of the nightmare that had surrounded his life, I would forever be part of the demon in him and the darkness that haunted his dreams and his mind.

I looked up at the ceiling wondering if I would ever be able to help him find peace when he was awake, if I could find a way so that he didn’t have to escape his life here in the real world, where I was.

I just wanted to save him from me.