Awake My Soul
Chapter 2
Luckily, I escape class without incident. Joan doesn't reach me in time, I don't stumble, trip, or fall. I don't cry or scream. I practically run to my next class, feeling the uncomfortable wetness in my socks the entire time. I'm exhausted.
No one is in my Biology class when I get there, so again I take the place at the back of class. I'll be forced to sit with someone, because these desks fit 2, and I'm dreading whoever it will be.
The entire class fills, and no one sits near me. I feel like a pariah, I don't know what I did. Then again, I'm probably being paranoid. Then I hear some rustling and look up, one last student has shown up, someone I've never seen. I don't notice how fairly attractive he is, or how tall, or even wonder where he must have come from. All I care about is that there's only one seat left. Next to me. Cue anxiety.
He sits down next to me, makes a quick glance my direction, then pays no more attention. I try to keep my breathing steady while I pretend to pay attention to my teacher.
I never caught his name, but it's a lot harder to be in my own world with someone else invading. He's driving me crazy without even doing anything. Why did he have to come today? The semester is almost over. This is ridiculous.
My phone lights up in my lap, and that's when I notice the time. It's almost lunch break, which will mean I can no longer hide. Joan can come find me, unless I leave.
No. I can't do that. Why am I running? I didn't do anything wrong.
Or, perhaps I'm over reacting in my heartbreak. It wouldn't be the first time, Joan and Daniel always told me I over reacted sometimes. That I was too up tight and anal retentive. Anxiety starting sinking in, then the bell rings and my heart stops. Did I literally just die because I was thinking of Joan and Daniel, together?
Joan and Daniel... I'm alive, I realize, because I can feel my heart sink in its slow hum now of a heartbeat.
I leave class, and walk slowly to my locker. I don't notice Joan until I'm basically stepping on her feet. All anger, sadness, and resentment is washed away, I only feel defeated. Seeing her proper posture, soft black hair and green eyes, who wouldn't crave her?
"Marjory -"
"Please, just save it, Joan." I turn and start to open my locker, not looking to see the effect my words had on her. It's hard enough making eye contact with her without feeling guilty I might have hurt her.
"I can't. I've tried to text you, I've tried to call you. You won't let me apologize."
I took a deep breath. "What do you want from me?" I finally make eye contact with her, and I can see the pain in her face, but I can't seem to care. The pain I feel overrides any care I have for the pain she might be feeling.
"Can you ever forgive me?"
I pause for a moment, almost thinking eventually I could... "I don't think so."
"Marjory, it was an accident! Daniel and I feel terrible -"
"You had sex with my boyfriend, Joan," I barely whisper, cutting her off. Joan almost stops breathing. I'm not one to stand up to her, or anyone, really. The truth uttered from my lips smacks her in the face and I've won the fight. She can't hit me back, I'm untouchable. She can't hurt me, no more than she already has. "I have nothing left to say to you." With the closing of my locker, and a turn on my heel, I leave her there alone.
I don't notice where I'm going until I get there. I walked all the way home, fighting the urge to cry, until the moment I launch myself onto my bed. Suddenly, I can't control it, and my tears flood from my eyes.
No one is in my Biology class when I get there, so again I take the place at the back of class. I'll be forced to sit with someone, because these desks fit 2, and I'm dreading whoever it will be.
The entire class fills, and no one sits near me. I feel like a pariah, I don't know what I did. Then again, I'm probably being paranoid. Then I hear some rustling and look up, one last student has shown up, someone I've never seen. I don't notice how fairly attractive he is, or how tall, or even wonder where he must have come from. All I care about is that there's only one seat left. Next to me. Cue anxiety.
He sits down next to me, makes a quick glance my direction, then pays no more attention. I try to keep my breathing steady while I pretend to pay attention to my teacher.
I never caught his name, but it's a lot harder to be in my own world with someone else invading. He's driving me crazy without even doing anything. Why did he have to come today? The semester is almost over. This is ridiculous.
My phone lights up in my lap, and that's when I notice the time. It's almost lunch break, which will mean I can no longer hide. Joan can come find me, unless I leave.
No. I can't do that. Why am I running? I didn't do anything wrong.
Or, perhaps I'm over reacting in my heartbreak. It wouldn't be the first time, Joan and Daniel always told me I over reacted sometimes. That I was too up tight and anal retentive. Anxiety starting sinking in, then the bell rings and my heart stops. Did I literally just die because I was thinking of Joan and Daniel, together?
Joan and Daniel... I'm alive, I realize, because I can feel my heart sink in its slow hum now of a heartbeat.
I leave class, and walk slowly to my locker. I don't notice Joan until I'm basically stepping on her feet. All anger, sadness, and resentment is washed away, I only feel defeated. Seeing her proper posture, soft black hair and green eyes, who wouldn't crave her?
"Marjory -"
"Please, just save it, Joan." I turn and start to open my locker, not looking to see the effect my words had on her. It's hard enough making eye contact with her without feeling guilty I might have hurt her.
"I can't. I've tried to text you, I've tried to call you. You won't let me apologize."
I took a deep breath. "What do you want from me?" I finally make eye contact with her, and I can see the pain in her face, but I can't seem to care. The pain I feel overrides any care I have for the pain she might be feeling.
"Can you ever forgive me?"
I pause for a moment, almost thinking eventually I could... "I don't think so."
"Marjory, it was an accident! Daniel and I feel terrible -"
"You had sex with my boyfriend, Joan," I barely whisper, cutting her off. Joan almost stops breathing. I'm not one to stand up to her, or anyone, really. The truth uttered from my lips smacks her in the face and I've won the fight. She can't hit me back, I'm untouchable. She can't hurt me, no more than she already has. "I have nothing left to say to you." With the closing of my locker, and a turn on my heel, I leave her there alone.
I don't notice where I'm going until I get there. I walked all the way home, fighting the urge to cry, until the moment I launch myself onto my bed. Suddenly, I can't control it, and my tears flood from my eyes.