Becoming Me
It's okay if you hate me. I hate me too
I want to speak.
I've changed.
I used to hold it all in, feeling sick to my stomach from just considering to let the words flow. If people came too close for my liking i would explode on them. I wasn't just guarded, i had built a prison around myself with no exit. I felt comfortable in my control and seemingly strong person. I felt invincible, almost Superior. After all i had understood something they never would. I could talk my way out of anything, i could work it all to my advantage. It was all a game to me and i was wining. I felt powerful. I was a stupid child.
I need to speak
I'm the same as yesterday.
I trapped myself, made it impossible for me to ever trust again. These days I'm small and needy. I'm tired of being lonely and mistreated because they never really get it. I expect them to predict my every move without giving them the knowledge to do so. I'm clinging to whats left of my control when all i want to do is let go. I cant go another day without speaking up. But every time i try to open my mouth, the words get stuck in my throat, i can't breathe and adrenaline makes my whole body shake, i start to sweat, suddenly i find myself digging my nails into my arm or pinching the insides of my palms to keep myself grounded. I head towards an anxiety attack full speed ahead, and i stay in that condition. Eventually i give up and retreat back into myself, defeated, weak and dying inside.
But all that does is bottle every emotion up, letting it tighten its grip on my mind and heart until i cant ignore it for one more second. And that's how you end up drunk off your ass in school. No breakfast and several glasses of vodka doesn't go over well. I stumbled my way to the bathrooms before first period and puked 3 times until i managed to get a hold of a friend who sent a teacher down. I confessed to it and let her pour out the vodka/coke i had brought with me. I vaguely remember her having to hold onto me as we walked towards the office, and making eye contact with classmates and other students. They all just thought i was really sick.
As if that wasn't a lesson in itself i still get drunk as often as possible. My room is a mess, I skip school every other day, I wander the streets at 3am, i hardly ever sleep, i don't think I've had a sip of water in weeks. To top it all off i self harmed twice over the last 3 days. The kicker? I was 207 days clean.
I cant even describe the hurt anymore. I'm just lost and i cant figure out how to breathe. I had a family member describe me as a volcano recently . Everything seems perfectly fine for ages, then comes small shakes here and there but no one really thinks much of them. And then suddenly its a natural disaster unfolding seemingly out of the blue. Messy, dangerous and out of control. Unstoppable
So much has happened over the past four months and I'm in over my head. All I know is that I hate myself more than ever.
Suicide sounds appealing right now. Not because i want to die, but because i cant figure out how to live anymore. Ive forgotteen who i am
I've changed.
I used to hold it all in, feeling sick to my stomach from just considering to let the words flow. If people came too close for my liking i would explode on them. I wasn't just guarded, i had built a prison around myself with no exit. I felt comfortable in my control and seemingly strong person. I felt invincible, almost Superior. After all i had understood something they never would. I could talk my way out of anything, i could work it all to my advantage. It was all a game to me and i was wining. I felt powerful. I was a stupid child.
I need to speak
I'm the same as yesterday.
I trapped myself, made it impossible for me to ever trust again. These days I'm small and needy. I'm tired of being lonely and mistreated because they never really get it. I expect them to predict my every move without giving them the knowledge to do so. I'm clinging to whats left of my control when all i want to do is let go. I cant go another day without speaking up. But every time i try to open my mouth, the words get stuck in my throat, i can't breathe and adrenaline makes my whole body shake, i start to sweat, suddenly i find myself digging my nails into my arm or pinching the insides of my palms to keep myself grounded. I head towards an anxiety attack full speed ahead, and i stay in that condition. Eventually i give up and retreat back into myself, defeated, weak and dying inside.
But all that does is bottle every emotion up, letting it tighten its grip on my mind and heart until i cant ignore it for one more second. And that's how you end up drunk off your ass in school. No breakfast and several glasses of vodka doesn't go over well. I stumbled my way to the bathrooms before first period and puked 3 times until i managed to get a hold of a friend who sent a teacher down. I confessed to it and let her pour out the vodka/coke i had brought with me. I vaguely remember her having to hold onto me as we walked towards the office, and making eye contact with classmates and other students. They all just thought i was really sick.
As if that wasn't a lesson in itself i still get drunk as often as possible. My room is a mess, I skip school every other day, I wander the streets at 3am, i hardly ever sleep, i don't think I've had a sip of water in weeks. To top it all off i self harmed twice over the last 3 days. The kicker? I was 207 days clean.
I cant even describe the hurt anymore. I'm just lost and i cant figure out how to breathe. I had a family member describe me as a volcano recently . Everything seems perfectly fine for ages, then comes small shakes here and there but no one really thinks much of them. And then suddenly its a natural disaster unfolding seemingly out of the blue. Messy, dangerous and out of control. Unstoppable
So much has happened over the past four months and I'm in over my head. All I know is that I hate myself more than ever.
Suicide sounds appealing right now. Not because i want to die, but because i cant figure out how to live anymore. Ive forgotteen who i am