Becoming Me

That's a part of me right there. That's me living my life in two songs, perfectly telling me what's the two sides of me.
I like to pretend it's that simple. Two sides, nothing more.
False. Fake. Lie.
I'm so much more complicated than that, i've got so many layers, so many personalities, each one with it's own dreams, fears, hatred, love, and thoughts.
But two is an even and easy number. So to just stick with that for now, would probably be smartest.

I don't think anyone could understand what I'll be trying to explain.
It's one thing, writing down who i am, what i think, feel, and breathe in everyday, another thing completely, is making someone go through the same emotions while reading it.

So here we go..
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“Got a dream, got a spark, got somewhere to be
Take a breath, say goodbye
To their precious little world“

“Long live the reckless and the brave
I don't think I want to be saved
My song has not been sung”

I can't possibly begin to describe what those words made me feel.
A perfect line, telling me exactly who i am on a hopeful bright day, where I'm at the top of the world. As if nothing can stop me. Full of energy ideas, dreams, laughs, flying through life, no struggles. Everything just clicks into place, I'm practically radiating positivity and life.
I'm ahead of everything and everyone, they can just dare to try and stop me.

I feel as if i've got a message, something to tell, to create, and something or someone keeps trying to take that away from me, traps me, put chains on my dreams, and suffocates them. But i wont let it happen. I won't let them bring me down, on a day like that
On a day where I'm feeling so happy. So alive. So unbelievably free.

I can let go of reality in a different way than i usually would, instead of going into a dream world, pretending to be something I'm not, I'll find peace inside, reassuring myself that i can do whatever the fuck i want. As long as there's a dream, there's hope.
And that dream may not be what everyone one want's it to be but they can't change that.

Accepting myself is not easy, i don't think anyone finds that easy at all. But that one song, at the right time, at any time really, gives me the courage to be me. To just let go of everything and everyone holding me down. To smile without the promise of it fading within seconds.

A quick beat pumping through my veins, all the way to my heart, to my soul, to my fingertips, making me feel high, crazy, outgoing, out of control, and in the best way possible.

An explosion inside, taking over me, something so incredible. powerful like nothing else, making it's way through me, leaving me breathless and full of emotions, ready to spill right out of my mouth, letting it all go, as i scream along to those words, that always gets to me.
The enjoyment, and the release, that starts to grow inside, forming into something so important, so essential, that it's unimaginable. A bigger cause, a life changed by someone's words, that may not was what i saw it to be, but still everything that i was supposed to be.
I feel so content, so much in harmony with myself. It's like magic, nothing and no one else in this world could ever make me so at ease with who i am.
During those simple three minutes that passed by like a heartbeat, i've found my smile, myself, my hope, and my life.

It can literally change my whole outlook on the world. A single word,a sentence, a song, the sound of drums, bass, guitars, screams, singing, the message hidden behind, and in that whole album, EP, or single. The story someone out there felt the need to share and tell. Knowing that life does get better, that dreams do come true. It will change a person, if only that person lets it in.
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“I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)
Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light “

Hmm...that song sums it up i guess.

I find it hard to get back in the mindset of a feeling I'd rather forget. When I'm finally blessed with these few days of feeling happy, I'd hate to be reminded of my darkest time in life.

Funny. There was a time when feeling were simple. Happy. Sad. That was it. It didn't have to be as complicated as it is today. When did this need to voice and speak of my hurricane of emotions become such a great need?
When did this pain grow into such a big apart of me, that i had to go to so many extremes, to keep it away?

It's as if i have a need to be depressed sometimes. When I'm confused, in between spaces, without really knowing how i feel, i'll turn to depression, because it's familiar, almost as if i feel safer in my self destruction, than in my happiness.

But being in that state, feeling so hopeless, lost, small, out of breath, overwhelmed, and completely disconnected from the world around me, that the only thing that matters, is feeling. No matter what, I'll hold onto it. I'd rather be in an endless world spinning out of control, full of pain and despair, than being numb, completely cut of from who i am.

As hard as it is, feeling like nothing will ever be alright, it's still there right? You're still grounded, in some way or another. I'm still human, still somewhat alive, despite feeling like I'm walking dead.

But after a while of feeling as if the whole world is gonna cave in, and drag me along in the fall, and constantly stepping carefully out of pure fear of losing myself, eventually I'll shut down. I'll take that step forward, recklessly, not thinking, caught up in my own self-destruction, and too far gone. I'll take it to a whole new level.

Basically I'll stop. Just stop everything. Every breath, movement, thought, need, feeling, and the normal paced day life, like school, friends, sleep, family, eating, cleaning my room, and so much more, would be pushed aside.

I'd be living in a haze, and even today i can't really remember those two dreadful months in the spring/summer of 2011, where i shut off from the world.
I had a routine of coming home from school at 2:30, go to sleep until maybe 7-8, then I’d “get up”, which in reality consisted of me sitting up in bed, instead of laying down.

Then I’d watch stupid meaningless TV and spend endless hours on YouTube, until maybe at 5 or 6 in the morning, I'd start getting ready for school.

But because i was never eating at home out of fear from being in the same room as my foster mom, I'd have to buy my own food from the money i got, because i was in foster care (about $170), so i lived of junk food, and nothing else, from late April, up until the 27th of June, where i changed foster family.

But that is what this song brings out in me, memories of the time in my life were i was going down the road of slow suicide, trapped in my own head, and feeling betrayed.

My life sucked. I was living in a home, that was more like a hotel, going to a school where i was bullied, and caught up in so many bad habits, that i was lost to the world around me. I was a lost cause.

I'd lay awake in my bed if i couldn't sleep, with my music in my ears, dreaming of a world were i would be all alone, were nothing mattered, and i could get lost under a sky where i was happy. Much like the song.

I'd pray to a god i didn't believe in, that i could escape from the pain that had turned unbearable, to go back to a time before i lost myself.

Music at that point helped me through so much, it's unbelievable, and I'm so grateful.
Hearing someone sing and play, what's almost my life story was so fantastic. Knowing that i wasn't the only one going through these unbearable things, and that other people had made it through.
Hearing someone sing everyday that i should hold on, that life gets better, and that there was always hope, really made a difference. It was a reminder that i could make it, that i was strong enough.

And now here i am. Alive. Breathing. Smiling. Laughing. And all the credit goes to the bands that made life that much more bearable. That told me i was worth it. The only people who never let me down, never allowed me to give up.
They gave me that last bit of strength i desperately needed, but couldn't find.

I owe them my life, my happiness, my everything.

Thank you <3