Becoming Me

So something I noticed when I posted the last chapter were my fear of doing it.
It surprised me, but then again it didn't.
But I guess calling it a fear of posting, is putting it the wrong way. I don't fear posting it, I fear rereading it, i fear it not being seen, I fear I'll get disappointed, and that it will get negative comments.

When I reread something in my word document, and I know it's only me who can see it at the moment, I think it's a great job i've done, and that it's worth posting. I can see all the positive sides of my work, and feel quite proud of myself. Even though I know there's a few flaws here and there, i'll ignore them, thinking it's not that big of a deal.

I am posting who I am, and if who I am includes a lot of procrastination, but also a lot of ideas, then why shouldn't I post it? I am simply to lazy to edit all of the mistakes there may be. But that doesn't mean that I don't want the chapter to be good. Because even though -here comes another fear- I write as if someone is gonna see it, and as if I’m telling my story to someone who's going to read this, I also am quite afraid of this just being yet another True Story on Mibba that everyone will ignore because they find it incredibly boring and uninteresting.

That it will just be seen as an annoying attention seeking “oh look at me look at me, my life is so hard and i want you to pity me and say you feel sorry for me” kind of story, because it's not. It's made and being written purely for the sake of me trying to figure out who I am, and where I want to go in life.

Besides I kind of like the idea, that this will be on the internet for anyone to find years from now, and maybe learn from, or be fascinated by. But even as I am writing that sentence my brain automatically starts thinking “when you write that you want someone to be fascinated and like this, then you also make it sound like you're good at writing, and that it's even possible for someone to learn from this” I get so insecure at times, it's ridicules.

But it also just helps getting some of my thoughts out, and get them placed somewhere else. Almost like -if you've seen harry potter and the half blood prince – that thingy where Dumbledore stores his memories of Tom, and other important things. That's what this is too. A place were iÍ can “spill my fucking guts” (A/N if you know -here we go again writing as is someone will read this and care – where those lyrics comes from then you're fucking EPIC!!!)

Here I can think freely and let go of all the demons constantly occupying my thoughts.
But sometimes my fears and insecurities get ahead of me. If you at any point, while reading this stopped to think “she's really rude”, or “that was mean” or “what's this girl's problem?” then I understand. I grew up in home were words were a weapon. I guess in some ways I was verbally abused.

But not like “fucking bitch” or “worthless piece of shit” No it was clever words, that normally wouldn't sound so offensive, but because I knew the meaning behind the words, it hurt a lot more. Because if they went through all the trouble of insulting me and bringing me down, through smart and thought through words, then they really fucking cared for hurting me.

So at any time were I can fit it in, I'll defend myself. All of those sentences above were I wrote that I was afraid of certain things, and that my brain actually started thinking negatively of me, as I wrote, and that I fear someone will hate this, it's my way of letting you know, that I am well aware of these things, and that telling me that this whole thing is pointless and stupid, wont even matter because I already know.

I kind of tell you all of the flaws before you get around to doing it, so whenever you may say that it's an attention seeking True Story, then i've already covered that, and what you may choose to say can't hurt me. (A/N if you understood what I just tried to explain, then I am deeply impressed)
so if I should transfer this to something else, that i've experienced in life, that can be traced back to this, then i've got quite a lot of those;

1) i usually judge people as soon as I see them, and let them know what I think of them before we've even properly met. (telling them they're a bitch, that they're preppy, wannabes and so on...) and then later maybe find out that they're great people.
2) I act out a lot and talk myself down, so no one else does it (calling myself crazy, weird, fat, ugly, insane, and so on...)
3) if someone should get around to telling me what they think of me before I tell them, I'll reply with “I know, and I like it” (If someone say's I'm fucked up I'll tell them I already know and that I like it)
4) if I have to do something I've never done before, or do physical activities, I'll say “I can't do that” or “I'm lazy” and use that as an excuse to not run around and look like a fool (if I have to do a group assignment I'll tell them that I don't do my homework and that I don't give a fuck, and make myself sound stupid, so that they don't get disappointed)
5) if I'm getting grades on something I've done in school, I'll tell myself and the world, that I probably failed, or barely passed, so that no one or me, will get disappointed (for example on my midterms I told myself and my foster family that my paper had sucked, and then I got 12, which is the best grade you can get in Denmark, but for my exams last week I tried to actually think positive and told myself that it was really good, but then only got a 4. the scale goes 12, 10, 7, 4, 02, 00, -3, where 00 and -3 is failed. So 4 isn't that good.)

Defences are always on my mind, because I just really hate getting hurt, which usually end up in me hurting someone else :(
But in the end shouldn't I just post my chapters and not give a flying fuck if people dislike it? If they don't like it then it shouldn't be my problem right?

Yeah, i'll try to tell myself that when I post this. Even though I'll probably worry about this being terrible just as much as I worried and are going to worry about the other chapters...Fucking stupid, I know.

I mean really? Here I am, going on a rant about what I fear, when I post a chapter, but still end up being just as scared when I post it? Get a grip girl (A/N this is usually the part where I start hating myself and insulting myself, but let's just skip that shall we?)

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, that now you know how god damn insecure I am, and that I actually do work hard on these, and if they seem rushed, or as if I haven't gone into enough detail, then that's not because I can't or won't. I just don't dare to yet.
One day I will though...I hope.

And now I'll spend the next 10-20 minutes editing this, and figuring out whether I should post this or not...whatever