Becoming Me

I'm tired. Which isn't really that weird seeing as it is 5 am and i am still awake. I never leave my bed unless i have to. And right now i have two weeks of vacation that i should be using on reading, for my exams. But do i actually read? no. I sit in my bed, and wast away doing nothing. I hate it, and don't understand why i never get myself together and just stand up. But i never have the motivation.
Which is weird, because i feel like shit after a lazy unproductive day. But when i do get something done, I'm happy, full of energy and life. So why do i just sit in front of a computer screen for 12 hours straight, in my bed, and sleep for 12 hours straight, in my bed?

I guess that i at some point got addicted to this. My bed was my safe haven when life threw shit at me, it was a place for me to dream and forget about the world outside my door, a door i never stepped out of unless i had to. I could hide away forever if only they would let me. I would and still will, lie for hours and talk to the walls and the ceiling, as if there were people watching and listening to me. Whenever i couldn't sleep I'd just start whispering at night, hoping not to let the outside become aware of my craziness.

I can never find peace, unless i know no one will disturb me. Which is at night. The only time i feel fully alone and calm. No matter what I'll always find myself avoiding sleep between 10 pm and 6 am unless i have school were it would be more like 10 pm and 2-3 am. So i almost never sleep more than 4 or 5 hours for school, making me extremely tired when the weekend finally arrives. In the end resulting in me sleeping the entire weekend away. I love sleeping, but i am more in need of peace, than sleep.

But after a while i start hating myself for it. I start using those hours of talking to the walls, to insult myself, and hate myself. I'll call myself useless, worthless, lazy, forgotten, hated, fat, stupid, annoying, unworthy, and so much more. In between those there will also be the more simple ones, as bitch, fuck up, crazy, whore, and others along those lines. Most of them aren't even true, but i don't care.

I'll stay up to watch the dark outside my window turn into light, before i can close down, and fall into a dream world. I feel trapped in my room, like I'm missing out on so much, like i've forgotten how to breathe and talk, smile and be with other people. I lose my humanity in those days locked away, i start to spin out of control, sink into depression and suicidal thoughts, because i feel as if the world on the other side of my closed door , is a scary unmanageable, confusing place where I'll never survive. My life turns pointless and stupid with no meaning,

now it's 5:23 am and i feel like I'm going nowhere with this, and that i should delete it all, but i wont. Simply because i don't feel as free in this whole story as i thought i would.

I thought i was doing this only when i needed it, when i had something important to say. But i find myself pressured into posting something all the time, even though no one is reading it. I just can't let this go. When i started this i thought it would be easy seeing as i would just be posting what was on my mind, created in the frame of the whole “learning who i am” which is still my purpose with this. But when i read through these chapters i fail to see the connection to the subject. Like I'm constantly making excuses to write about something else. Because random useless shit is always on my mind. I'll always have something to complain about, something i need to get off my chest, so i don't have it occupying me whenever i should be focusing on a completely different thing

i am restless and disturbed. I feel as if i might explode, from withheld words that i only feel, but never capture, it just slips away just as i thought i had it. In the corner of my mind somewhere i know all the right thoughts are hiding away, to suffocated by meaningless nowhere going thoughts that i couldn't care less about, that i can't use for anything.
One day i'll be ready. One day I'll have the strength to see them, and understand them to their fullest,. I first thought that i wanted to control my mind, but no, i want it to flow freely, and keep me going, through a steady stream, river, of what is important, what i need to break out of this circle that always leaves me broken in the end.

In the end? A circle doesn't have an ending, so is that was my future is? A never ending replay of my mistakes, and failures? Stuck on a track that wont let me escape? Will i ever, no i wont. See, i just interrupted my own thinking path yet again, because i couldn't even think it through, when as soon as my mind caught on to where i was going, it just stopped me?

It's 5:42 am now and nothing has changed, I'm sitting here, hoping for a solution to this mess I've created but nothing comes to mind. Nothing gives me the break from an endless flow of lost games, and lost feelings. I hate this, i hate how i am capable for the most part of writing down what i am thinking, but never ending it properly.

I've gone through so many different moods during this, but i bet you couldn't see that could you? All you saw was a whining sleep deprived teenager who needed to get the fuck over herself? Yeah? Well no you are wrong. I am much more than that. I can fake any emotion at any time, so i may get confused as to what i am really feeling, so yes i do feel. Just not truly. I think.

I am never gonna stop am i?
Well this needs to end but for some reason i feel like putting the soundtrack to this in here too. You see, i always listen to music when i write, to get different perspectives on it, and different feeling for what i am writing....which probably explains a lot of those mood swings, but whatever...

1) Coffin – Black Veil Brides
2) Cold – Aqualung/Lucy Schwartz
3) Crash – You Me At Six
4) Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold
5) Fallen Angels – Black Veil Brides
6) Hate – Get Scared
7) Haunted – Evanescence
8) Haunted – Kelly Clarkson
9) He Wasn't – Avril Lavigne
10) Head High, Hands Down – A Road To Damascus
11) Hearing Damage – Thom York
12) Heaven's Calling – Black Veil Brides
13) Heiress Of Valentina – Dune
14) Helena – My Chemical Romance
15) Hello – Evanescence
16) Hello Cold World – Paramore
17) Hello Brooklyn – All Time low
18) Help Is On The Way – Rise Against
19) Hey Stephen – Taylor Swift

- 6:02 am