Becoming Me
Hope. Dream. Live.
Dreaming. It's a big word, a hope that may never become reality.
Dreams scare me, so i keep them to myself, until I'm one hundred percent sure that they will come true. I can't take disappointment and even though i'll smile and laugh when it hits me, doesn't mean i wont break down as soon as my door closes and all lights are turned off. I probably have more dreams than i am aware of. That's what happens when you wont even let yourself think it through. Pushing it away as soon as the dreams starts to take form in your mind, will eventually make them go away. I forgot how to focus on them, and instead i put my eyes on everything that's holding me back, and allow it to do so.
If i don't say out loud what i dream of, then it is still an innocent little break in my defences, and no one will have to know. But what happens when people say that “you must have some sort of dreams, everybody does” and you just create a lie to tell them? They start to see you as the lie you told them. Suddenly they think there's hope, when in reality i am just as trapped and unknown as i was before. They expect some form of humanity, some sort of normality, and goal. But what if my only goal is to survive? To be breathing in the morning?
What if all i can focus on is to put up a wall to keep sane people from my insanity? To keep them in the pretty little illusion i have created for them? Then suddenly the wall does not only cover me, and keep them safe, no it becomes a wall between us. A distance that grows bigger and bigger, until we're so far from each other that it can hardly be healed. One lie, from the pressure they put on one, unaware that i am quite capable and already in the process of putting that pressure on myself, long before they even came up with the thought of me needing it, spirals out of control, an endless tale of betrayal, they didn't even know of.
That could possibly be my future. Lies upon lies, until there's not even any truth to my thoughts. To live the “perfect life” until i've lost myself in it, until i've convinced myself it's right.
I'd hate that. I'd hate myself. It would be like living just because i should, not because i wanted to.
But then again that wouldn't really be that different from what i am doing now, would it?
Shit, i don't want that, i just want to be completely honest for a day.
I choose to lie, to hide the truth 'cause quite frankly i am deeply ashamed of it. Which is me being ashamed of myself i guess.
Something i've been told this last year from my foster mom is “i don't like the things you do, but i do like you” how does that make sense? How can she hate what i do, when what i do is a part of me, and then say she likes me? That is just stupid. If she can't accept what i do, then i can't accept what she says. I am sick and tired of people always saying things like “as long as you do your best then we're proud of you” again what the hell? Then how come you're smiles are always that bit bigger when i did a good job, than when it was barely alright?
Dreams change, people change, circumstances change. Will there ever be anything steady in a life these days? Sometimes it seems as if we've got too much freedom. Too many choices and things to take into consideration. But then maybe it is not too much freedom. more as if we get chained by the desire to be free, we chase it but in the end it catches us, not the other way around. We should let go instead. Forget about dreams, hopes, and everything in between. Just sit back and let it all go, see where life takes us, instead of trying to control every step we take. Because that's impossible nothing will ever be 100 percent predictable.
Dreams starts within our minds. In some ways we can control small things in our minds. But we shouldn't. I shouldn't. I'll never know what that dream could grown into, maybe it could change my whole life, but only if i allow it to. It's my choice, but i don't want to make the decision. I want freedom. I want to think freely, get consumed in myself, learn, and live by it.
Life is not what we make of it. Life is what drives us, life is who we are, and who we are should not be controlled or compromised. It's there from the beginning to the end, if we want it.
Dreams scare me, so i keep them to myself, until I'm one hundred percent sure that they will come true. I can't take disappointment and even though i'll smile and laugh when it hits me, doesn't mean i wont break down as soon as my door closes and all lights are turned off. I probably have more dreams than i am aware of. That's what happens when you wont even let yourself think it through. Pushing it away as soon as the dreams starts to take form in your mind, will eventually make them go away. I forgot how to focus on them, and instead i put my eyes on everything that's holding me back, and allow it to do so.
If i don't say out loud what i dream of, then it is still an innocent little break in my defences, and no one will have to know. But what happens when people say that “you must have some sort of dreams, everybody does” and you just create a lie to tell them? They start to see you as the lie you told them. Suddenly they think there's hope, when in reality i am just as trapped and unknown as i was before. They expect some form of humanity, some sort of normality, and goal. But what if my only goal is to survive? To be breathing in the morning?
What if all i can focus on is to put up a wall to keep sane people from my insanity? To keep them in the pretty little illusion i have created for them? Then suddenly the wall does not only cover me, and keep them safe, no it becomes a wall between us. A distance that grows bigger and bigger, until we're so far from each other that it can hardly be healed. One lie, from the pressure they put on one, unaware that i am quite capable and already in the process of putting that pressure on myself, long before they even came up with the thought of me needing it, spirals out of control, an endless tale of betrayal, they didn't even know of.
That could possibly be my future. Lies upon lies, until there's not even any truth to my thoughts. To live the “perfect life” until i've lost myself in it, until i've convinced myself it's right.
I'd hate that. I'd hate myself. It would be like living just because i should, not because i wanted to.
But then again that wouldn't really be that different from what i am doing now, would it?
Shit, i don't want that, i just want to be completely honest for a day.
I choose to lie, to hide the truth 'cause quite frankly i am deeply ashamed of it. Which is me being ashamed of myself i guess.
Something i've been told this last year from my foster mom is “i don't like the things you do, but i do like you” how does that make sense? How can she hate what i do, when what i do is a part of me, and then say she likes me? That is just stupid. If she can't accept what i do, then i can't accept what she says. I am sick and tired of people always saying things like “as long as you do your best then we're proud of you” again what the hell? Then how come you're smiles are always that bit bigger when i did a good job, than when it was barely alright?
Dreams change, people change, circumstances change. Will there ever be anything steady in a life these days? Sometimes it seems as if we've got too much freedom. Too many choices and things to take into consideration. But then maybe it is not too much freedom. more as if we get chained by the desire to be free, we chase it but in the end it catches us, not the other way around. We should let go instead. Forget about dreams, hopes, and everything in between. Just sit back and let it all go, see where life takes us, instead of trying to control every step we take. Because that's impossible nothing will ever be 100 percent predictable.
Dreams starts within our minds. In some ways we can control small things in our minds. But we shouldn't. I shouldn't. I'll never know what that dream could grown into, maybe it could change my whole life, but only if i allow it to. It's my choice, but i don't want to make the decision. I want freedom. I want to think freely, get consumed in myself, learn, and live by it.
Life is not what we make of it. Life is what drives us, life is who we are, and who we are should not be controlled or compromised. It's there from the beginning to the end, if we want it.