Becoming Me
Hello. Goodbye.
Hello.
Hello cold world. Hello morning light. Hello silence. Goodbye peace.
So. Here i am again, at 5.50am in the mood for writing. How to begin? Hmm. Let's see. Oh yeah, that's right, i have nothing to tell at all. Fuck my mind for lacking creativity.
Do you know how hard it is to see your own past reflected in a loved one's eyes? Feeling as if you're starring into a mirror, but not? Seeing something you've been letting go of, a demon you're slowly putting behind you, but then suddenly being faced with them through your younger brother?
I can tell you it's a terrifying reality, one I'd rather avoid but can't. It hurts knowing that he's either gonna be living in denial or have to go through what will seem like endless amounts of pain, struggles, and realizations. The very thought almost tears me apart. Worst part is that i can't help him, despite having been through it, because i can hardly remember those days, and therefor don't have the same understanding of it anymore. On top of that i know that he's got something big hovering above his head. A huge decision he can't tell me about, that is gonna impact his future. How am i supposed to be calm and clear minded when he goes and tells me that? I worry so much, and just the sight of him on the brink of tears, or the flinch when i told him i loved him, hurts more than i can handle. But I'll handle it, for his sake. And knowing that our once shared foster parents are the ones who's supposed to help him through it, makes me want to scream.
They couldn't help me when the school dragged them in for a meeting explaining that i was cutting myself, or when i ditched classes, or when i was so depressed i couldn't even drag myself into the showers. And what about that time where i almost killed myself? Oh and then there's that one time where my mom hit me and then said that it was because she felt threatened by me. Or what about when i was little and we where driving and we argued and you just decided to leave a six year old at the side of a road, only to return 15 minutes latter? And then there where those days where they would lock me outside in the evenings despite the fact that i was wearing a night t-shirt and night shorts, for a whole freezing hour? Or when you would make fun of me, or when i was little and my foster dad held me up in the air and then dropped me down, or when he would hold me up against a closte, or make me stay outside in his workshop that was ice cold and i was so scared that i peed on the floor? The list goes on and on. I mean come on, i can't believe they're under the impression that i was placed in a new foster home, only because i was depressed? Christ man, if i had been clever i'd have yelled verbal abuse a long time ago. I still don't know if any of the things above counts as physical abuse, but it sure felt like at the time. I was a kid for fucks sake!!! i can get so pissed at them at times, and now my baby brother is going through so much, he's in over his head, and they're “helping him” with it? Fuck that bullshit.
On top of all that i am starting school tomorrow, fuck my life. I honestly kind of look forward to it, despite it being a new school and all. There's just a small part of me that wants to do this right, and finally get back to the old me who used to enjoy it. I like learning, the only thing keeping me from doing that, is all the people i have to deal with. I just really don't want to fuck this up, but i fear i will. I want to do this, i want to show the world that no matter how much shit it throws at me, i will still be standing. They didn't believe i was going to make it, or that i was ever gonna pull myself together, now i just really fucking want to prove them wrong. But will this last? Am i going to be strong enough to keep that fire burning? And what about the first mistake, first failure? Will that crush all the dreams I'm slowly starting to maybe just a little bit hope to believe in? That's really all i can do hope. So i will. I have prepared me as good as i could, now there's only one way to go, and that's forward. Fuck.
Hello cold world. Hello morning light. Hello silence. Goodbye peace.
So. Here i am again, at 5.50am in the mood for writing. How to begin? Hmm. Let's see. Oh yeah, that's right, i have nothing to tell at all. Fuck my mind for lacking creativity.
Do you know how hard it is to see your own past reflected in a loved one's eyes? Feeling as if you're starring into a mirror, but not? Seeing something you've been letting go of, a demon you're slowly putting behind you, but then suddenly being faced with them through your younger brother?
I can tell you it's a terrifying reality, one I'd rather avoid but can't. It hurts knowing that he's either gonna be living in denial or have to go through what will seem like endless amounts of pain, struggles, and realizations. The very thought almost tears me apart. Worst part is that i can't help him, despite having been through it, because i can hardly remember those days, and therefor don't have the same understanding of it anymore. On top of that i know that he's got something big hovering above his head. A huge decision he can't tell me about, that is gonna impact his future. How am i supposed to be calm and clear minded when he goes and tells me that? I worry so much, and just the sight of him on the brink of tears, or the flinch when i told him i loved him, hurts more than i can handle. But I'll handle it, for his sake. And knowing that our once shared foster parents are the ones who's supposed to help him through it, makes me want to scream.
They couldn't help me when the school dragged them in for a meeting explaining that i was cutting myself, or when i ditched classes, or when i was so depressed i couldn't even drag myself into the showers. And what about that time where i almost killed myself? Oh and then there's that one time where my mom hit me and then said that it was because she felt threatened by me. Or what about when i was little and we where driving and we argued and you just decided to leave a six year old at the side of a road, only to return 15 minutes latter? And then there where those days where they would lock me outside in the evenings despite the fact that i was wearing a night t-shirt and night shorts, for a whole freezing hour? Or when you would make fun of me, or when i was little and my foster dad held me up in the air and then dropped me down, or when he would hold me up against a closte, or make me stay outside in his workshop that was ice cold and i was so scared that i peed on the floor? The list goes on and on. I mean come on, i can't believe they're under the impression that i was placed in a new foster home, only because i was depressed? Christ man, if i had been clever i'd have yelled verbal abuse a long time ago. I still don't know if any of the things above counts as physical abuse, but it sure felt like at the time. I was a kid for fucks sake!!! i can get so pissed at them at times, and now my baby brother is going through so much, he's in over his head, and they're “helping him” with it? Fuck that bullshit.
On top of all that i am starting school tomorrow, fuck my life. I honestly kind of look forward to it, despite it being a new school and all. There's just a small part of me that wants to do this right, and finally get back to the old me who used to enjoy it. I like learning, the only thing keeping me from doing that, is all the people i have to deal with. I just really don't want to fuck this up, but i fear i will. I want to do this, i want to show the world that no matter how much shit it throws at me, i will still be standing. They didn't believe i was going to make it, or that i was ever gonna pull myself together, now i just really fucking want to prove them wrong. But will this last? Am i going to be strong enough to keep that fire burning? And what about the first mistake, first failure? Will that crush all the dreams I'm slowly starting to maybe just a little bit hope to believe in? That's really all i can do hope. So i will. I have prepared me as good as i could, now there's only one way to go, and that's forward. Fuck.
♠ ♠ ♠
I know i haven't updated in weeks, but i didn't have any internet connection. which meant no keeping up with stories i am subscribed to, so when i opened my mail there was over 500 messages..yeah that took some to work through but i managed.