Becoming Me
Kill The Clock Inside Your Head
Time. One of the few unavoidable things in this world. To every person out there time will mean something different. I know what it means to me. I also know how my view on time went from innocent to demanding, and recently, to scary. It can drag on and on, it can pass by in a heartbeat. It can function as a countdown, or as a free space. It can mark your day, divide your heart, break you, create you. Limits, guide lines. So many words for something that can be either simple or complicated. Time is what you make of it, what you spend it on, what you allow it to be. I personally feel that time is a way to big influence, but also necessary.
Jail, school, life and death, playtime, alarm clocks, church bells, cell phones, work schedules, and so much more.
It's numbers telling us when the sun comes and goes, dictating our mood, demanding too little or too much. But why? Why was it necessary in the first place? I don't know.
It drives me crazy, but it helps me keep everything under control. I think most people use time to measure how much they have spend and how much they have left, and how and what they should use it on. You know, up at 6am, catch the bus, at 7am, school at 7.55am, school out at 2.20pm, catch the bus at 2.55pm, home at 3.30pm, babysit from 4pm to 6pm, dinner at 6.30pm, homework at 8pm, and bed at 12am
Up until last week that was what time meant for me. But life happened. Well more like, life ended. Last year i went to school with a girl named *****. we were never close but we talked. When the school year ended, we went our separate ways. I never thought I'd see her again. Her world stopped spinning on Wednesday the 29th. My world was shaken Tuesday the 30th , when the news of her 20 year old brother's death reached me. He was taking a driver's licence for a scooter. He slipped and went under a tractor. Dead on impact. Leaving behind a little sister and older brother. I had never really come across death, and even though this wasn't a person close to me, I and some others from that class decided to go to his funeral, last Friday. It was probably the first time I'd ever cried so much in a row. 20 years. How could that possibly be justified as enough? Just watching his sisters face crumble, break, a look of sorrow i never hope to see again, when they carried in the coffin was enough to reassure me that life is nowhere near fair. So many others get to just take their license and live their life, so why couldn't he? What had he done that could explain such a thing? There's serial killers, child molesters, dictators, well monsters out there, that lives a lifetime, **** was just barely an adult!
My perspective on time changed. My way of living didn't. My thoughts visited a place they shouldn't have had to, yes, but i still go about doing nothing instead of making something that I'll be remembered for. I'm still insignificant, still just human, a tiny little piece of meat amongst millions of others. I'm not wiser, not any more careful than a month ago. I fear losing more, i fear dying more. But this lesson wasn't taken to heart. I think. Maybe this had a bigger effect on me than i've realized.
But should we be more grateful, should we consider our careless choices twice? I won't. It'll only make my counted days more miserable. I believe/hope that i can't change it, because i can't predict it. I've often wondered if i would grab the chance if someone gave me the possibility to see the future. My first thought is yes, but when i really consider it, the positive and negatives, i always end up with no. Because i fear failure. What if i had the average house, average children, average car, a dog, a job, a social life, a good education and whatnot? Yes, that would mean i did something with life, and i could accept that life. What if i was travelling the world, learning, discovering, thinking, creating, meeting people, changing, developing, becoming a different person than i am today? Yes that would make me happy.
But what if i got no education, no dream, no life? Ended up as a crack whore, and addict, living on the streets, basically walking dead? No thanks.
That would break me. I don't want that future. It would doom me. That's why i won't give into the temptation. I can live with the unknown, if it makes my chances of surviving bigger. If i am so weak that i'll need the reassurance, then i am not strong enough to get somewhere with my life.
Time is a complicated thing isn't it? It means so much more than one might think in the beginning...i've certainly learned that there's no use in counting the minutes but I'll do it anyways. Because I'm human. I don't want to be limitid by time, but i also won't give it up. It all comes down to what you see time as. I see it in two different versions. One i could live without if it was up to me, but it would comprise number two that i literally couldn't live without.
But in the end i hope you all had the time of your lives <3
Jail, school, life and death, playtime, alarm clocks, church bells, cell phones, work schedules, and so much more.
It's numbers telling us when the sun comes and goes, dictating our mood, demanding too little or too much. But why? Why was it necessary in the first place? I don't know.
It drives me crazy, but it helps me keep everything under control. I think most people use time to measure how much they have spend and how much they have left, and how and what they should use it on. You know, up at 6am, catch the bus, at 7am, school at 7.55am, school out at 2.20pm, catch the bus at 2.55pm, home at 3.30pm, babysit from 4pm to 6pm, dinner at 6.30pm, homework at 8pm, and bed at 12am
Up until last week that was what time meant for me. But life happened. Well more like, life ended. Last year i went to school with a girl named *****. we were never close but we talked. When the school year ended, we went our separate ways. I never thought I'd see her again. Her world stopped spinning on Wednesday the 29th. My world was shaken Tuesday the 30th , when the news of her 20 year old brother's death reached me. He was taking a driver's licence for a scooter. He slipped and went under a tractor. Dead on impact. Leaving behind a little sister and older brother. I had never really come across death, and even though this wasn't a person close to me, I and some others from that class decided to go to his funeral, last Friday. It was probably the first time I'd ever cried so much in a row. 20 years. How could that possibly be justified as enough? Just watching his sisters face crumble, break, a look of sorrow i never hope to see again, when they carried in the coffin was enough to reassure me that life is nowhere near fair. So many others get to just take their license and live their life, so why couldn't he? What had he done that could explain such a thing? There's serial killers, child molesters, dictators, well monsters out there, that lives a lifetime, **** was just barely an adult!
My perspective on time changed. My way of living didn't. My thoughts visited a place they shouldn't have had to, yes, but i still go about doing nothing instead of making something that I'll be remembered for. I'm still insignificant, still just human, a tiny little piece of meat amongst millions of others. I'm not wiser, not any more careful than a month ago. I fear losing more, i fear dying more. But this lesson wasn't taken to heart. I think. Maybe this had a bigger effect on me than i've realized.
But should we be more grateful, should we consider our careless choices twice? I won't. It'll only make my counted days more miserable. I believe/hope that i can't change it, because i can't predict it. I've often wondered if i would grab the chance if someone gave me the possibility to see the future. My first thought is yes, but when i really consider it, the positive and negatives, i always end up with no. Because i fear failure. What if i had the average house, average children, average car, a dog, a job, a social life, a good education and whatnot? Yes, that would mean i did something with life, and i could accept that life. What if i was travelling the world, learning, discovering, thinking, creating, meeting people, changing, developing, becoming a different person than i am today? Yes that would make me happy.
But what if i got no education, no dream, no life? Ended up as a crack whore, and addict, living on the streets, basically walking dead? No thanks.
That would break me. I don't want that future. It would doom me. That's why i won't give into the temptation. I can live with the unknown, if it makes my chances of surviving bigger. If i am so weak that i'll need the reassurance, then i am not strong enough to get somewhere with my life.
Time is a complicated thing isn't it? It means so much more than one might think in the beginning...i've certainly learned that there's no use in counting the minutes but I'll do it anyways. Because I'm human. I don't want to be limitid by time, but i also won't give it up. It all comes down to what you see time as. I see it in two different versions. One i could live without if it was up to me, but it would comprise number two that i literally couldn't live without.
But in the end i hope you all had the time of your lives <3
♠ ♠ ♠
Title credit and end note is owned by Flyleaf and Green Day