Open Your Eyes

"See, it's not so bad anymore." I said as Evan hopped onto the back of Spriton, my dad's horse whom has always been picky about who has ridden him. You had to be real special for Spriton to let you ride him. It had taken Evan over ten tries to get onto Spriton's back without the horse sending him flying off. I told Evan after his sixth try to just hop on Hansel with me instead but he never gave up. He hated to give up; he had too much pride. Still though, we were just going for a trail ride so it didn't matter if we shared a horse. I was confused, however, about why Spriton continuously kicked Evan off of his back; Evan used to ride him all the time. It just seemed really strange to me. I always thought horses had good memories when it came to people.

It had taken me a long while to finally get Evan to agree to come with me to the stable. He was having doubts because he hadn't ridden a horse since Burks and doing this was a big step for him. I had given him so many motivational talks to try and get him to come but the one thing that had him agreeing was the fact that I had said, "Please, Evan. For me." He didn't seem to care about my speeches; it was just that one very simple sentence that I had mumbled out of desperation.

"I thought this horse loved me." He questioned more to himself than to me. I walked over to Spriton who was now standing there with this look of defeat showing on his face and kissed his soft nose. I pet him a couple of times to let him know that no one was going to hurt him and he seemed to be comforted by this. I was a person who believed that horses had a great connection with the human world. This was why I always talked to them as if they could understand what I was saying.

"He just has to get used to you again." I said as I walked over to Hansel and hopped onto his back with ease. I explained to Evan where we were going so that he wasn't feeling lost and in the midst of that, confusing the horse as well. He was familiar with the trail since it was the one we always used to use but I wanted to make sure that he remembered because for a kid as young as six, it would have been easy to forget. However, I felt rather stupid after he cut me off to tell me that I was the one that moved away and he was the one that continued using the trail with Burks after I was gone.

We began leading our horses into the path where the trees swayed gently back and forth from the breeze. The sky had that early evening glow that I loved so much and I knew that this trail ride would have to be a short one. I hated riding in the dark, though Hansel loved it for some reason. I just always felt paranoid that something bad would happen like a bear attacking him or something. I could not lose Hansel; I don't even think I'll be getting another horse after him. I love him too much.

I looked over at Evan who was leading Spriton with such ease and grace that it made me smile. It was hard to believe that just ten minutes ago they were being hostile towards one another. I think that maybe Spriton could tell that Evan was scared to ride again which made him uneasy. Spriton liked to be centered around people who could stay calm around him. It was why we couldn't really bring him around people who weren't used to horses because he would get hyper and potentially hurt somebody. My dad rescued him from somewhere when I was really young so the horse was also an old horse.

We rode for twenty minutes longer before stopping at a small river and getting off our horses. We didn't have to watch Hansel and Spriton because we knew that they wouldn't run off. I walked over to a big rock placed close to the river and sat down on it, taking in the evening air and scent of pine from the trees. I loved coming out here and just thinking about everything. I took Hansel here the first time I saw him when we moved back and I remembered everything I loved about being here. It filled me with such happiness and comfort. When I was in P.E.I, no matter how hard I looked for a good enough trail that could give me some peace of mind, I could never find one. It was so good to be back here again.

“What’s this?” I said more to myself as I looked down at the rock and noticed a very light marking. It looked like a bunch of scribbles but if you looked closer, beneath all the jumbled black ink, it said something. This Way. There was an arrow right below it pointing towards the stretch of forest in front of me. I contemplated following it but decided that I could always come back another day. Besides, we had ten minutes before we had to head back.

Evan walked over to where I was and ran his fingers over the marking. He had this very distant look on his face as he rubbed off the dirt from the rock on his pants. I couldn’t help but notice the way his hands touched things so gently. It was like he was trying to preserve the beauty in everything he found. I watched him as he sat down beside me and stared intently at the marking. He looked frustrated, like he was trying to remember something and couldn’t. Like it was on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t quite make it out. I reached my hand out to rub his back but he jerked away from me so quickly that I don’t think it was possible for me to hide the hurt expression that had to be displayed on my face.

“Look, I’m sorry.” He said gently and I shrugged, pretending that I didn’t care. “You just… you’ve been gone a really long time and you’ve missed things. Things that I can’t explain to you without sounding crazy.” I stared at him hoping that he would continue but it soon became clear that he wasn’t going to say anything more. I didn’t understand what he meant by that. Sometimes it felt like he was trying to make me feel bad for leaving, as if I really had a choice in the matter. When you’re younger and your parents want to move, you move, no questions asked and you definitely have no choice in the matter.

“Where is this coming from?” I said with genuine concern. “One minute you’re fine and the next you’re not. I don’t get it.” I got up and walked over to Hansel who was waiting patiently for me with Spriton. “And I know I’ve been gone but that isn’t my fault. Sooner or later you’re going to have to stop resenting me for that.”

“I don’t resent you.” He said walking over to me so that he was only a few centimeters away. I could feel his breath on my cheeks as he spoke. “I don’t expect you to get it either. If I could explain even half of what I’m going through and have you actually get it, I would.”

“Why can’t you? It’s me, Evan. It’s just plain old Brookaroo. You can try to explain it…” I trailed off, reading the expression on his face and knowing that he wasn’t going to talk to me about it anymore. He pulled me close though and hugged me, knowing that I needed something to make me feel like he wasn’t still mad at me for what happened in the tree house.

“I just can’t, okay?” He whispered into my ear. He sounded like he was in pain; like he literally could not get the words out to express himself properly. A tingling sensation spread throughout my body and I was suddenly very aware of how close together we were and how every single part of us was touching. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.” His breath was hot against my ear and a stirring began in my stomach that I hadn’t ever experienced before. It was a mixture of excitement and a feeling like I was doing something wrong.

“You don’t have to make it up to me,” I said pushing him back a little so that I could look at his face. “Tell me when you’re ready. And if you’re never ready then I guess I’ll never know it, but you can’t keep shoving the fact that I moved away in my face, okay?” He nodded and with that I felt all of the tension I had built up, leave my body.

“It must seem crazy right? How close I still feel to you even though we were only six. I mean… what the hell kind of six year old grows up and still feels connected to the same person?” I smiled and lifted my hand to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes like he was trying to keep this moment locked in his memory forever. It was only a split second though before he opened them again to my smiling face.

“It’s not crazy,” I said soothingly, though I really doubted he needed me to be soothing. “I still feel it too.” He locked his eyes with mine for a good ten seconds before looking away and there it was again. That tingling creeping into my stomach and giving me that warm fuzzy feeling. I wondered if he felt it too or if it was just me. I don’t even know what it means really, except for the fact that I liked it and I wanted to have more warm fuzzy feeling moments with him. I hoped on Hansel and looked back down at Evan. “We should get going.”

This time when Evan walked over to Spriton, he got on him with ease. He didn’t look angry anymore or confused, he just looked happy. It made me wonder about what happened to Burks but I knew that it would be a long time before I even dared to ask. The topic still seemed like a fresh wound and I didn't really feel like being the one to pull back the scab again.

We were almost back at the stable when my phone went off and made me jump. It was a good thing Hansel was used to it now because of Elizabeth or he would have bolted. Every time I took her to see him her phone would go off while she was riding him and she would jump which would send Hansel darting across the field.

“Hello?” I said answering it without looking at the caller ID. It probably would have been a good idea to though because the person who responded was not somebody that I wanted to talk to. I felt an uneasiness take over me as he said hello and I was suddenly filled with this overwhelming urge to cry. He had no right calling me, especially while I was on my nice trail ride, despite the little argument with Evan earlier. “What do you want?”

“I just want to talk,” He said rushed, like he was afraid I would hang up on him. I didn’t really blame him though considering that I almost had already. “Please, just let me explain myself.” I sighed into the phone letting him know that it was okay for him to continue. He always knew he could talk after I sighed because it was always what happened when we fought before; when we were together. “First of all, I love you.” I rolled my eyes and looked over at Evan who was watching me intently.

“You love me?” I said throwing my hands in the air even though he wasn’t there to see me do it. “You don’t love me at all. You loved the idea of having a girlfriend that wouldn’t catch on to your sleazy ways. I slept with you, Jerimiah. I gave you something important to me and you threw it away for some ten second hookup with your ex-girlfriend.” I couldn’t help it anymore; my body had tensed and the anger was just so fresh that all I wanted to do was yell at him. I didn’t feel like crying anymore, I just felt like telling him to shove it. Evan was staring at me now with curiousity and plenty of concern and I felt bad for making him sit through this excruciating conversation with my ex-boyfriend.

“No, listen to me.” He said softly but sternly at the same time. “Nothing happened between us. I was stupid and afraid because I thought you were going to break up with me. What I did was disgusting, I know that, but nothing happened. I just didn’t want to get hurt.” I could feel Hansel becoming uneasy as the tension inside me continued to build up. I stroked his mane so that he calmed down and knew that I was okay.

“I wasn’t going to do anything that night. I thought that maybe we could survive the distance but clearly we couldn’t. You would have rather we ended on a terrible note than risk showing your true feelings for me? I can’t believe you. Don’t call me anymore, I’m done.” I hung up the phone angrily and sighed heavily as I bent down to wrap my arms around Hansel’s neck. I couldn’t believe that Jerimiah actually had the nerve to call me and tell me that he loves me. I hated him for putting me through everything he did and then calling me acting as if he actually cared about me. It made me sick to think about it and I felt bad for Evan who was probably sitting awkwardly on Spriton waiting for me to be finished with my P.E.I dramatic freak out.

“So… that was the marvelous Jerimiah.” Evan said, breaking the silence. I looked over at him and half smiled, laughing lightly. “If it helps any, he’s a complete idiot for throwing you away like that.” This time I smiled whole heartedly and locked eyes with him. It amazed me how after everything between us, he still knew exactly the right thing to say to make me smile again.