Ana Is My Only Love

I've never let anyone take a glance into my mind because I've always been afraid of how they would treat me afterward, who they'd tell, and how much more awful my life would become if I did take a chance. I couldn't trust anyone because there was no one to trust in the first place. Not before I found out about Scarlett, though. I had never noticed her before. I've always been so lost in the darkest depths of my mind, anyways, so I wouldn't have ever been able to notice anyone peculiar to the rest of the school even if I tried to try.
The somber ring of the school bell dismissed us to our next class; Science. No one likes science and the teacher will give us a passing grade no matter what we do. So what's the point of the class anyways?
We all sit in our seats, waiting for the instructions to do our work from the teacher. Today was different, though, because we had to do a project. If that wasn't bad enough, the teacher had to make it a partner project. Perfect for the anti-social me.
“Okay, class. Project time.” Mrs. Johnson said. “I shall be choosing the partners for you children since you cannot handle even the simplest of tasks in your Junior year of high school.” Unfortunately, she was right. I looked over at the girl that I've been thinking about all morning, Scarlett. She was perfect. From her long night black hair to her ripped up skinny jeans and tight graphic tee. She had the perfect body and clothes and the perfect perfection. That doesn’t even make sense, but that’s what she is. Little did I know, she's ending up as my partner in class.
“Alright kids. Get with your partners. We’ll be working out of the books today to just get some basic information on your subjects.” The subject of my project with Scarlett was irrelevant since I probably won’t even be doing any of the work anyways.
Scarlett walked over to me and pulled up a chair next to my desk.
“Hi.” she greeted. I just gave her an awkward smile and opened my book to a random page to try to ignore how uncomfortable I was.
“So, um, how are you?” I guess she was trying to make conversation. I shrugged.
“Fine.” What a total lie, but I knew a girl that I’ve only creeped at from a distance had no interest in me or my feelings so why even ask such a ridiculous question?
“That’s good.” She told me. She should just give up trying to start a conversation because I can’t do that. “Well I guess we should start the project so that we could maybe get a head start.” I nodded.
I was just jealous of being near such a perfect girl. It’s incredibly ironic that I’m jealous of the girl that I have a crush on, isn’t it? Ana tells me all the time that I need to look more like Scarlett and the other girls in my school. I swear, Ana just will not stop bothering me. She constantly reminds me how worthless and fat I am. She consumes all of my thoughts and I cannot get rid of her.
I’ve never liked my body, but it wasn’t until a few years ago, when I was 14, that I started to really hate what I saw in the mirror. I decided to take action towards how I looked when I got really sick of myself. I was going to take control of the one thing in my life that I have control of. I started restricting my eating and exercising until I was ready to pass out. Then one day, a few months ago out of the blue, Ana entered my thoughts.
All I ever hear now is “you’re not good enough for anyone”, “no one loves you”, “you’re so fat. Just stop eating already”. She reminds me every single day why I am the way I am and how I need to change. I believe what she says. I mean, she’s right. So I’ll believe the right thing.
The bell rang and I looked down to see a blank piece of notebook paper lying on the random page of the science book. I had accomplished nothing today and Scarlett was gone. She just abandoned me, or that’s at least what it felt like she was doing to me. But I wouldn’t blame her. Who would want to be seen with a freak like me? I don’t even want to be seen with me.
I was pushed and shoved in the halls while on my way to lunch. Yes, lunch. One of the, if not the, worst times of the school day. I have to fight this battle five days a week almost all year long. It’s awful each time because I’m afraid that someone will finally become suspicious of my eating habits at school. I’m ignored and go unnoticed, anyways, so I guess I don’t have to worry. My small group of friends don’t pay attention to any of the signs I give off on a daily basis so I’ve given up on them. I’ve lost all hope in my generation.
I set the lunch tray on the round lunch table that had now five of us sitting around it. I pulled in my chair and stared at the disgusting artificial substances that the FDA accepts to be called food. It was a hamburger and fries. It had to be at least 800 calories if you also count in the skim milk and mustard that I’d put on the burger. That’s too many calories a week for me. I couldn’t eat this. So I’d have to do what I always do to a school lunch. I start to pick apart the bread that’s sticking to the “meat” and mash up the fries.
“Why are you doing that to your food, Desiree?” One of my friends asked me curiously. I just shrugged.
“I’m bored.” I made up a stupid excuse.
“Oh, well now I can’t steal your food because you’re mashing it all up!” Everyone laughed and I laughed along with them. How disgusting. Why would someone want to eat all of these disgusting empty calories? My friends are really hard to deal with because they constantly talk about food. That is a major reason why I do not hang out with them unless necessary. I just can’t deal with more talk about food when I already have to deal with with Ana.