Ana Is My Only Love

The day has been filled with embarrassment, confusion, and anger. It all started off with a nice tumble down the stairs leaving bruises on my arms and legs. That caused rumors to start going around the school that I was getting beat up at home by my parents. It didn’t even take a day for the rumor to start and go around the entire school.
Then my friends decided that I wasn’t any fun anymore. Anymore? I’ve barely even changed in their eyes the entire time that they’ve known me, except for my decrease in weight. It has set me up in a whirl of confusion because they just decided this out of the blue. Unless they’ve never liked me....I guess no one’s ever like me, then. Not even my own friends. So I’m thinking that all I have left it Ana and myself, but maybe I’m not even me anymore...
The only bright side to this day was that I was going to talk to Scarlett even though it was just about science.
“So did you get any work done last night for the project?” she asked. I shook my head.
“I was busy.” She glared at me.
“Busy with what? I think you can take thirty minutes out of your busy schedule to get some background information on our project.”
“Sorry.” I felt guilty for bringing her down now.
“It’s okay. Do you want me to help you out with the work?”
“How?”
“Instead of the two of us doing fifty-fifty on the work, we’ll work on the entire thing together. That sound good?” I gave her a fake smile.
“Yeah, but I don’t think we’d have enough class time.” She nodded and started thinking.
“Yeah...I’ll invite you over to my house whenever you have some night free.” I was completely shocked. Who would’ve ever thought that something this great would come out of a day like this? The girl that I had a crush on was asking me to come over to her house. Great.
“Yeah. That’d be awesome. I mean, that’d be fine with me.” I calmly replied. She nodded.
“Good. Is tomorrow okay?”
“Yeah! Definitely.” I was suddenly filled with happiness.
The happiness was short lived, though, because Ana had to barge into the conversation and started telling me that I wouldn’t be able to find anything decent to wear on my fat body for tomorrow. She was right, though. So I was starting to second guess that “date” with Scarlett.
When I arrived home after a run around the neighborhood, I took out every single item of clothing out of my closet and tried everything on. I only found one outfit that Ana and I both kinda agreed on. It was the tightest tank top I owned and then a pair of skinny jeans to make my legs look skinnier with a black sweatshirt. I was hoping that Scarlett liked the way I looked, too. Who knows, maybe she’ll compliment me.
I heard a knock on my door.
“Honey, can I come in?”
“Sure, Mom.” I sighed.
“You sound so happy to see me.” She laughed as she opened the door and saw clothes all over my room. “Did a tornado come through your room, Desiree? This place is a mess!”
“Sorry. I’ll clean it up.”
“Who are ya dressin’ up nice for, huh?” I shook my head.
“No one. I’m just hanging out with some friends tomorrow and thought I should look nice.”
“Okay, sure!” Well, she didn’t believe me. She can see through my lies. The white lies, that is. “Anyways. I was in here to ask you something. I am emptying out the bathroom cabinets and I found some laxatives in the back,” Oh god, I thought, she knows what I’m using them for. She knows everything now. Think of a story, Ana told me. You need those. Think of something smart! “and I was wondering if you want me to get rid of them.” I quickly shook my head without thinking. She’s probably on to me now. “Yeah. I guess I shouldn’t get rid of them. I might use them some time.”
“Okay.” She quickly smiled and closed the door.
“Phew. That was a close one.” I told myself.
“Dinner will be ready in a few minutes!” Mom yelled, her voice becoming quieter as she walked down the hall.
That was a close one, Ana told me. If she was suspicious of you, you would’ve never been able to think of a believable story. You’re such a stupid bitch. Smarten up, you’re gonna need it to keep this lifestyle. You need this lifestyle. I nodded.
“You’re right. You’re always right. I wonder why I don’t always listen to you, Ana. You keep me on track and make sure that I don’t mess up. I need you.”
Of course you do, Desiree. You’d be nothing without me. Nothing but fat. I nodded again.
“Yeah. You really have changed my life. I look at myself differently now. I see the real me. The fat, ugly, worthless me. You’re like my thinspiration, Ana, but you bring me down a lot.”
I’m not trying to bring you down. I’m just telling you what you really are. I’m being realistic and trying to get you to see how you’re really seen by other people. No one likes you. They only see how fat you are and they hate you for it. You’re stupid and worthless.
“I know.”
And don’t eat anymore for today.
“Okay.”
Good. I’m glad you listen to me.
“Me too.” She was bringing me down again, but I tried not to show it. I didn’t want her to call me weak now.
“Dinner’s ready, Desiree!” Mom yelled from the kitchen.
“Okay! I’m coming down!” I yelled back. I didn’t want Ana to lecture me anymore and I knew that she’d do that if I was around food. It’s a never ending vicious cycle. I opened the door slowly and walked down to the kitchen, taking my time so that I could think of a way to get past this. I thought of nothing. So I was just going to have to put up with Ana’s crap for now.
I sat at the seat across from my mother and she set the plates with food on them. There were potatoes and chicken and cornbread. No no no. These are not safe foods for me. She even knows that I don’t eat meat. So why give me fucking meat?
“Eat up, Desiree.” Mom started chowing down on her food. Gross. I was slowly wanted to eat some of the food. If I ate all of this right now, I could just purge right after and the calories won’t count!
You better not eat any of that crap or I will punish you so badly, Ana said.
“Okay, okay. I won’t, Ana. Calm down.” I whispered under my breath. I started picking apart my food, wasting precious time that I could be spending exercising. So I waited until mom had left the table to quickly throw all of my dinner in the trash and I ran up to my room. I spent another two hours exercising in my room before I took a nice hot shower and headed to bed, trying not to think about my weight.