Waiting for Catastrophes

Brendon felt like he was going crazy; right fucking insane.

He didn’t know how to talk anymore it seemed. Ryan was right there in the next room, yet Brendon was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to write Ryan a note that might be able to explain his feelings. A fucking note! He almost couldn’t believe it himself.

He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get up and go sit with Ryan and just talk to him; it seemed so simple. But when Brendon set down his pen and tried to will himself to just go out there and talk to him…well, he just couldn’t. He didn’t know what to say. He had thought putting his thoughts into words would be easier, but everything was a jumble and didn’t make any sense.

The problem was that he didn’t understand why Ryan stayed, why he hadn’t left Brendon to find someone normal who wasn’t happy one second and then mad or sad or upset the next. He didn’t understand why Ryan himself wasn’t going crazy.

As if he could hear Brendon’s thoughts, Ryan ambled into the kitchen smiling at Brendon.

“What are you doing?” he questioned.

“Writing,” Brendon replied.

“Anything good?” Brendon had started to pull the papers scattered on the table into a pile. The letters were a lost cause.

“No,” Brendon answered as Ryan sat down at the table with him.

“Mind if I look?” he asked, pointing at the stack of papers. Silently Brendon slid the papers to Ryan who looked down at them.

Ryan, I love you. This was followed by a bunch of crossed out words that were now illegible. Ryan set that one aside and looked at the next one.

You’re in the next room and I can’t even go out there and talk to you. On to the next one.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this.

“Is everything okay, Brendon?” Ryan asked quietly, looking up at him. Their eyes met and Brendon could see Ryan’s worry. He nodded and smiled softly.

“I’m just over thinking things,” he said. “As usual.”

“Don’t think you can’t talk to me about anything,” Ryan said, standing up and handing Brendon his papers. “You want to come watch a movie with me?”

“I think I’m just going to go to bed actually,” Brendon said. Ryan leaned down, kissing him softly.

When Ryan was back in the living room, Brendon stood and made his way to their shared bedroom. He took the papers in his hand and put them in the drawer of the nightstand on his side of the bed.

---

When Brendon woke up, he knew that it wasn’t going to be a good day. He could feel the sadness overpowering him deep into his bones. With great effort Brendon managed to drag himself out of bed. Ryan had already gone to work.

When he finally made it to the kitchen, he looked at the calendar, noting that it was May 20. Only a month until Ryan would have the summer off and be able to be here with Brendon; the perks of being a school teacher.

Brendon hated these days where everything seemed so dull and dim, no matter how bright the sun shone up in the sky. These were the days he doubted everything, doubted Ryan.

“I thought you weren’t going to come home,” Brendon muttered when Ryan returned from work that evening.

“I wish you wouldn’t think like that,” he responded. Brendon wished the same thing.

---

Brendon hated when he couldn’t sleep; it was when he felt the most alone… even when he was holding Ryan close to him, scared that if he let go he’d slip away from him.

He felt alone in the fact that he was the only one in the house that was awake, worrying over what should have been nothing while Ryan slept soundly. Didn’t he ever worry?

---

“I’m scared I’m losing you,” Ryan whispered one night as they lay in each other’s arms.

“Why?” Brendon asked. Their eyes met. Ryan’s fingers came up to trace the side of Brendon’s face.

“You have so much doubt, Brendon,” he mumbled. “I wish you could see what I see and know that I love you so much.”

“I know you do.” Whispered words and averted eyes. “I love you.”

“I know,” Ryan said, leaning forward slightly to place his lips on Brendon’s forehead. Brendon closed his eyes and smiled softly. “Try and get some sleep.”

“You aren’t going to leave me?” Brendon whispered, reopening his eyes.

“Never,” Ryan said. “And I’ll reassure you as much as I need to. I love you Brendon, and nothing is ever going to change that.”

Brendon slept soundly that night.