How the Heart Beats

I had gotten another A on a paper that I half-assed. I couldn't help but chuckle as I slid the essay into a folder in my book bag, shaking my head. High school had proved far too simple for me. It was practically laugh-worthy. I rolled my eyes as my joke of a teacher started explaining the day’s lesson. That class was trickier than others because I actually had to participate more often than I cared for. The teacher, Ms. Brooks, wasn't terribly fond of me the way Mr. Marcy was either. Even though my grades were top notch, she didn't seem thrilled that I wasn't as social as some of her other students. The week before, she’d even held me after class and asked me if everything was okay outside of school. I rolled my eyes and told her they were fine before walking out of the room. She was the kind of teacher who was overly interested in everyone’s personal business and feigned concern just to get the scoop.

Ms. Brooks was a slender, spindly woman with dark auburn hair. She wasn't too much older than the students she taught, which I figured was why she was so interested in our goings on. She probably thought that keeping her nose in our business made her cool and relatable. In reality, it just made her nosy, annoying and bitchy. I sketched thoughtlessly in my notebook as she continued to drone on. Somewhere along the line, she’d gone off on a tangent about Hemingway and when I looked up again, almost everyone was doing something else. Nick, who sat to my right, jabbed my side with his pen. It wasn't a good idea, but I didn't feel like starting a rift, so I let it slide as I turned my head toward him.

“Dude,” Nick’s whisper held a devious smile that I didn't have to see to know was present, “look at Ms. Brooks. You can totally see her nipples!” I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his comment. Sometimes I wondered how he managed to do anything that wasn't related to sex, but when I looked up, I found he was right. Through the thin fabric of Ms. Brooks’ blouse, her round dark nipples were not only extremely noticeable, but were also coming to two very defined points. I didn't feel attraction the way Nick did, but I couldn't help seeing them. I shook my head and returned my gaze to my notebook.

“Either she’s cold or she likes Hemingway more than we realized.” Normally I wouldn't have indulged Nick in such a way, but I couldn't seem to control the sneer that snuck its way onto my face as I spoke the words, accompanied by a short laugh. Nick was stunned silent by this response, but recovered after a quick moment and laughed, shaking his head at me. I couldn't say I blamed him for his shock; I wasn't exactly known for my sense of humor.

Ms. Brooks handed out packets of paper that we were all to work on about The Sun Also Rises, before she walked out of the room; presumably to refresh her coffee or do whatever it is teachers do when they leave a classroom. I didn't care to ask or bother imagining. When she left, the silence surrounding me broke and people started chatting in a mostly harmless manner. I had planned on keeping quiet, but that apparently didn't mesh with everyone else’s plans.

“Hey, masked faggot. What the fuck is your deal?” Chester, a fairly prominent member of an opposing clan, called from across the room. I rolled my eyes, but didn't bother looking up from my drawing.

“What’s a matter Ches? Are you mad that I kicked your guys’ ass last night and cut down your forces exponentially or that my dick is bigger than yours?” I retorted quickly and loud enough for everyone to hear. My comment earned oohs from some and hushed whispers from others. I happened to catch one girl telling another that Chester shouldn't mess with me, that I’m more of a psycho than he can handle. I grinned.

“Fuck you, man!” Chester stood from his seat with a growl. I glanced up at him for a brief moment and sighed.

“You don’t wanna do this, Chester,” I warned quietly. I could feel Nick tense beside me.

“You can’t tell me what the fuck I want, faggot.” He stepped closer and I could smell the cigarette stink wafting around him. I almost choked on it. I glowered at him and ground my teeth together. Prominent though he may be, Chester was not terribly bright. He was drafted into the SoulSellers mostly because of his size and brute force. Tactical planning and witty retorts were not his forte.

“I suppose that’s true, but if you’d like, I can gladly show you why it’s not a good idea.” My words came quietly, but with no less power. Finally, I looked up and gave him my attention. Some of his fellow clan members stood up from their seats, either to offer support or to try and talk Chester down. As my fingers went instinctively to one of the daggers in my pocket, Ms. Brooks walked back into the room and confusedly shooed Chester and friends back to their seats, not understanding why they were standing and completely oblivious to the fact that she just prevented a major conflict. I shook my head again and leaned back in my seat, releasing my dagger.

The rest of English passed by in a tense haze and before I knew it, I was off to my last class of the day. As I loped quickly out of the English classroom, I ran into Chester, unfazed as he shouldered his way past me. His attempt to knock me out of his way did nothing, as I was much taller, stronger and better balanced than he. When I didn't budge, he glared at me and continued on his way, clearly displeased. I rolled my eyes and started to my next class. Prominent member of another clan or not, he was still acting like a child. I sighed and brushed it off, continuing down the stairs to my final class of the day.

My last class was a college level calculus-based Physics course. I wasn't sure why, but I liked Physics. Some of it was a little boring, but I found I fell into it rather easily. It also wasn't my best subject- I wasn't much for numbers- but I enjoyed the challenge. I was struggling to keep my B, but I loved that it wasn't an easy A like my other classes. I liked having to think and pay attention and really involve myself in the class, though I still wasn't one for speaking up or drawing attention to myself. I sat at my desk in the back of the room and stretched my long legs out under the table. I’d arrived to class early, which meant I had time to prepare myself and relax a little.

Mr. O'Connor walked in behind me and offered a warm smile as he walked past my desk. I smiled back, even if he couldn't see it. O'Connor was a good guy, not as old and understanding of my ways as Mr. Marcy, but not as young and irritating as Ms. Brooks. He called on me more often than I wanted, but he was genuinely friendly and meant well, so I learned to deal with it. I figured I could live with a medium of my favorite and least favorite teachers. Plus, it was beyond obvious that he absolutely loved teaching Physics, which I appreciated and even admired a little. His teaching methods were some I’d never before experienced, but they were no joke and the results spoke volumes.

“How’s it going Shadow?” He asked, sitting on the desk in front of mine and placing his feet on the chair. It wasn't a menacing question, not even a nosy pry into my personal life, just kind chit chat. I shrugged and leaned back in my chair. O'Connor sipped from his mug of tea, not in any hurry for me to answer.

“It’s going, I guess. It could be worse. I’m a little tired and I've got a lot going on up here,” I tapped my pen to the side of my head, “but I suppose it’s going well enough.” At this, he chuckled softly, a sound like warm honey to the ears.

“Well, if you ever wanna talk about it, the door’s open. Though something tells me you lead a complicated life. Any of your problems are probably bigger than I’m capable of helping with. But sometimes the answer comes from within and you just need to say it all aloud before you can find it for yourself. Sometimes it just takes someone willing to listen and listen I can certainly do.” At that, he stood and made his way toward the front of the room where his own desk sat, not giving me a chance to respond. It was a friendly gesture and it was nice to hear, but I figured I probably wouldn't ever take him up on it. As good a guy as O'Connor was, I was too private to ever feel comfortable spilling my soul to someone like him. He, with his thinning dark red hair and hunched, but calm and collected demeanor, was no match for the things that spent their time running through my head.

I sighed and opened my notebook before the bell rang and class began. I actually took notes for Physics. Sometimes these notes were doodles too, but they were very relevant doodles; little things to help me better understand what I’d written down. Because of the subject matter and level of difficulty, the class was smaller than any of my others. The room consisted of two rows of tables that sat four students each. In each row, there were four tables, making the room capable of seating thirty two people, but there were only twelve people in the class. I pretty much had my pick of seats in the room. Being the person that I was, I’d naturally gravitated toward the back and, low and behold, no one decided they wanted to sit next to me. I’d ended up with the whole table to myself. Naturally, I didn't mind.

At my seat, the table had a well-worn duck and duckling carved into it. I often found myself wondering what degenerate had enough time to carve so deep into the table and how they were never caught. I lightly ran my fingers over the duck as I did ever say. A proud mother, followed closely by her adoring child. Each day, this carving reminded me of my own mother. I smiled slowly before steeling myself against the emotions and looking up to the board.

My focus was recaptured when I noticed that O'Connor had written out some warm-up problems that were to be done sans-calculator. I started in on them with a smile, happy to surround myself with numbers and equations. Any distraction from thoughts of my mother, especially such a peaceful, all-consuming one, was welcome.

I worked out the problems slower than usual, not because I didn't understand them, but because I didn't want the time to think. I didn't want to think about Chester or Seb or Nick or Katie or all those people I killed and injured. I didn't want to think about the new girl Tawny or her weird, unlikely friendship with Stella. And most of all, I didn't want to think about Stella or my mother. But I knew if I had the time to think about anything other than Physics, I would do exactly that. It was only a matter of time before I could no longer occupy myself, and then I would think of all those things. Especially Stella and my mother.

I sighed, finishing the problems just as Mr. O'Connor announced that our time was up. Sometimes I felt like the man was some sort of psychic.

“Why do you make us work without calculators?” A girl two rows in front of me complained. Her voice was a nasally whine, even when she wasn't complaining, which was rare. Each time she spoke, I had to force myself to suppress a groan. O'Connor, on the other hand, seemed delighted by her question, as if he’d been waiting for someone to ask it.

“Being independent of the calculator helps strengthen your brain. Soon enough, you guys will neither want nor need calculators. You’ll all be solving problems like these, and even more complex ones, way quicker than you could ever imagine.” His face lit up with such excitement I couldn't doubt his words. My lack of doubt was fortified by the fact that he’d been teaching Physics for the last twelve years. Apparently Jess wasn't so convinced. She gave a snort of derision and laughed a little.

“Yeah, right. I can’t imagine not wanting or needing my calculator.” Mr. O'Connor sighed and gave a small shrug of his shoulders, clearly disappointed with the technological dependency of the day’s youth. Saying nothing else on the topic, he turned back to the board and proceeded to work out the problems for anyone who may have gotten them wrong.

Once he was finished and questions were both asked and answered, he collected the homework that had been assigned the previous Friday. After that, class passed by in a bit of a blur. Physics always seemed to go by faster than any of my other classes, but I figured it was because we were constantly busy. I was happy for the distraction and enjoyed the subject itself even though, despite my efforts, I found my thoughts wandering to less pleasant things from time to time. By the end of class and thus the end of the school day, I had made a decision; I had to find a way to see Stella again. I shut my eyes and ground my teeth together as I thought. The easiest way to get a hold of Stella was also the route I least wanted to take, but my options appeared rather limited. I let out a deep sigh and collected my things as the bell rang. I would have to talk to Tawny.