How the Heart Beats

Did I say I would have to talk to Tawny? I should've said that I had to ask her a favor, which was about a thousand times worse. I was lucky enough to find her before she left the school. I was not lucky to have to speak with her, but I knew it was the only logical way I’d be able to get a hold of Stella. And as Machiavelli said, the ends justify the means.

“Hey Tawny,” I said, slowing my sprint as I approached her. I hadn't expected to find her so easily, what with the population of our school so large, but I'd managed to track her down and grab her attention by the flagpole. She looked me up and down and smirked like she knew exactly why I was there. I could not help but hate myself a little more; asking favors wasn't something I did.

“What do you want? You didn't seem so keen on me earlier. I didn't think I'd have to deal with you outside of class.” She put a hand on her hip and checked her phone, trying to convey her boredom.

“Well, I saw what you did to my friend at lunch today. It was pretty funny. He gets such a big head sometimes. He needs the occasional humbling.” I leaned against the warm brick of the school building. Tawny’s smirk grew as she took in my words.

“Of course that creepo was a friend of yours.” She rolled her eyes, but smiled despite herself. “You really sought me out just to tell me that?” She asked after a moment. I bit the inside of my cheek and took a deep breath, looking away from her weird, prying eyes. I closed my own for a second before looking back to her.

“I also need a favor.” I sighed, closing my eyes again, not wanting to see her face. I locked my jaw tight around the words. It was a long moment before I opened my eyes again. When I did, her face was smug.

“Oh, really? A favor? From little old me?” Her grin grew wicked and I tried to subdue the wave of regret that flooded me. “What could I possibly help you with?” Her hazel eyes were heavily lined and mascaraed. I found myself wondering how much time she spent getting ready each morning.

“I think you know; I need to get a hold of Stella. I walked her home last night, so I have an idea of where she lives, but she didn't seem fond of her family. I figured it’d be for the best if I didn't go knocking on her door,” I explained with a sigh, pulling my hand over my face in a way that showed just how exhausted I was, but only ended up disorienting my mask a bit. Tawny pursed her lips and nodded. Apparently she understood exactly what I meant about Stella’s family. She suddenly didn't look like she wanted to joke around anymore. It must've been serious.

“No, you wouldn't want to do that. I was actually about to go see her when you came along. You can come with me,” Tawny’s mouth flicked back up into a wicked smirk, “if you beg, of course.” She laughed and I rolled my eyes.

“I can't go right now. I've got to head home and get my homework done and then I've got to get a few errands out of my way.” Mondays were big training days and after the previous night’s battle, we’d have to plot our next attack before the enemy could strike again. “Could you just… tell her… or better yet, could you give her a note from me?” I pulled one of my binders from my bag and quickly jotted a note to Stella. When I was happy with what it read, I folded it into a quick heart that almost assured no tampering from Tawny. I wrote Stella’s name on the front of the heart in the finest letters I could manage and finally offered the note over to Tawny. “I'll only say this once, so… erm… please?” I was glad Tawny couldn't see the way I was blushing under my mask.

“Fine, I guess.” Tawny sighed and snatched the note from my fingers. I smiled a little. Even though she was rude and didn't seem happy about the task, Tawny was still doing me ginormous favor and for that, I was grateful. I quickly thanked Tawny, letting her know that the task meant a lot to me before rushing off to headquarters. I’d asked Stella to meet me at the clearing at ten and promised I’d be waiting. For that to be true, I had to get everything done quicker than usual. I hoped desperately that Tawny would keep her word. My desire to see Stella again was starting to drive me crazy.

At headquarters once more, I sat at the desk in my room, trying to sort through my homework. I was lucky enough to not have any for my first two classes, but I had a lot of Physics problems to do and some reading to knock out for English. I decided I would work on Physics first, while it was still on the brain. Not to mention, I figured if it came down to it, I could always take The Sun Also Rises with me to the clearing. As I opened up my Physics book, I was interrupted by a knock on my bedroom door.

“What?” I asked, my question a growl as I glared at the door.

“Can I come in?” Came the voice from the other side. It was a voice I recognized, but couldn't put a face to in my sleep deprived state. I sighed and ran my hand over my mask again. The day was beginning to take a serious toll on me.

“Yeah, fine. Make it quick.” I turned in my chair to face the door and thus whoever was requesting my presence. After a quick moment, in walked Eryck. Eryck was younger than most of the people in the clan, at only fourteen, but he was a talented healer and they were as big a part of our team as anyone else. He didn't fight much, but I had helped train him with several different weapons and knew well enough that he was a rather skilled fighter too. I mainly worked with swords and daggers, but those weren't the only weapons used by the army. Everyone seemed to have their own preferences and Eryck was never seen without his beloved corn scythe.

“Hello, sir.” He dipped his head in greeting and I couldn't help but smile a little. Eryck was a good kid. He was a little goofy at times, but he held a true respect for me and was probably the most talented healer we had even at such a young age.

“What’s up, Eryck?” I asked, not minding his company as much as others, despite the homework I needed to finish and the schedule I was trying to maintain in order to see Stella.

“Seb requests your audience. He told me to give you this.” He shifted slightly as he reached into his pocket to pull out a note Seb had written for me. I rolled my eyes a little but nodded still.

“Alright. Thanks, dude,” I said as I stood, tossing my pencil back onto my desk before turning to make my way to Seb's office. Eryck nodded again and left my room, probably to work on homework of his own or maybe train some more. The kid sure was dedicated to serving the clan and worked almost nonstop practicing healing and fighting. I locked the door behind us and headed toward Seb's office, taking my time. I knew it wasn't the best idea given my crunch, but I was in no hurry to see Seb. I read his note on the way, something about a new strategy and attack plans, but it didn't seem terribly urgent, so I kept my walk to a leisurely stride.

Seb was sitting behind his too-large mahogany desk. I never mentioned to him that it made him look like a child playing businessman in his father's study. I figured the knowledge wouldn't change anything but his temper. So instead, I only ever smiled and made a joke about it in my head.

“What's up?” I asked, browsing through the different books on one of his large bookshelves. I smiled a little to myself; I'd read his note and knew what he wanted, but I enjoyed messing with him.

“I sent Eryck with a note for you. Did he not give it to you? Did you not read it?” I turned toward him and saw he looked concerned. I smiled wider and held up his note between the index and middle fingers of my left hand as I made my way toward his desk. His face relaxed before he glared at me. I lightly tapped a finger to the map that was sprawled open on his desk. It was marked up with previous battles, each one with a small w, l, or d- indicating whether it was a win, loss, or draw.

“So you're thinking get them here, since they'll likely expect us to come from the east?” I studied the map closely as my finger slid across the page.

“Yup. I thought maybe tomorrow after chess.” He stood and peered out a window and at a destination I couldn't see. I nodded. Seb and I generally made a good team, even if we did butt heads from time to time. We understood one another well and our strategizing never took long.

“Sounds like a good plan. Is there anything else you need? I was kind of in the middle of my Physics homework.” I hitched my thumb over my shoulder and he nodded, waving me away dismissively and without even looking at me. I hurried off to my room where I spent an hour and a half knocking out the thirty Physics problems that were due the next day.

Around four-thirty, just as I was finishing my homework, my stomach started to growl. Once I'd finished my last problem, I packed my things back into my book bag and pushed away from my desk. After a quick glance at the contents of my mini-fridge, I found that I only had two bottles of blood, an orange, and a bag of gummy worms.

“Well, this is a problem,” I said, still studying my fridge. I stared for a moment longer, before closing the fridge and looking to my wallet. There I found that I had enough money to either run to the store to pick something up or to order a pizza. After a moment’s deliberation, I decided that even though going to the store would be more cost efficient, I really wanted a pizza. I turned on my laptop and quickly pulled up the Pizza Hut website. I liked that I could order online because it saved me the hassle of talking to some moron who would likely get my order wrong. I proceeded to order my favorite pizza; banana peppers, pineapple, bacon, sausage, onions, feta cheese, and black olives on a stuffed crust. I couldn't honestly say how I ever came across that particular combination of toppings, but I knew that it was fantastic.

After placing my order, I sighed quietly and collapsed back onto my bed. It had been a long day that I knew would only get longer. I was worried Stella wouldn't show up to the clearing, and with no way to get a hold of her, I would have to wait and see. I ran my hand through my hair and closed my eyes for a long, slow moment. When I opened them again and sat up, my head spun and my vision blacked a little before I was able to steady myself again. I took a deep breath as the room settled down and shook my head, disoriented by my body’s reacting in such a way. Deciding it would be best to wait outside for the pizza, I quickly regained my strength and made my way downstairs.

I wandered down the stairs sluggishly, not in any hurry to wait outside. It was getting closer to October and the air was starting to cool, not that I minded. There was something about the cold, crispness of fall that always put me at ease, even though I wasn't a big fan of October itself. When I got outside, I saw no car emblazoned with the Pizza Hut emblem, so I leaned against the cold outer wall of headquarters. My breaths came slow and calmly as I tried not to fall asleep. A few minutes into my wait, the car pulled up and a young, greasy female stepped out, pizza in hand. She started toward the door, but I waved her down and whistled her way, which seemed to catch her attention well enough. She looked dazed as she turned toward me, like her head was elsewhere and she wasn't committed to the job, not that I blamed her either way. Her eyes were an odd murky shade of brown with puffy red-rimmed lids. I figured she must've been crying shortly before her arrival. I remembered Stella’s face the night before and my gut churned. I clenched my jaw beneath my mask and paid for my pizza, taking it from the delivery girl and heading back inside. I found that I was overcome by a sudden desire to bring immense pain to anyone who had ever hurt Stella. I growled at myself and headed back up to my room, pushing my feelings away. I did not like that I cared so much about Stella.

I was never sure how felt about other people handling my food, which was why I rarely ever ordered out. I also kept all of the food that was specifically mine in my mini-fridge. Some could've called it a symptom of being an only child, not knowing how to share, but they'd have been wrong. It was never about sharing. If I had to give a reason, I'd say it was actually more about paranoia than anything else. I didn't trust others and I was terrified of being poisoned. Some could call it a symptom of being an only child, some could call it paranoia, but I preferred to think of it as being health conscious, like those people who only eat organic.

Once more in the privacy of my own room, I sat on my bed and opened up my pizza; the smell was making my mouth water and my stomach roar. It was definitely a good day for pizza. Looking up to check and make sure my door was locked, I peeled away my mask and ate the first slice, suppressing a groan as the different flavors danced over my taste buds. I finished that slice and another before there was another knock on my door. I sighed and slipped my mask back on, glancing over at my clock as I did. It was a little after five. I sighed; four more hours until I would leave for the clearing.

“Come in,” I called wearily, hoping the company would make the time go by faster. My doorknob jiggled and I laughed a little, remembering I had locked it.

“I kinda can’t. Did you say that on purpose?” The voice on the other side sighed. Whoever it was, he appeared to think I was making a joke and it wasn't one he found amusing. I smiled to myself and hopped off the bed, unlocking and opening the door.

“No, I forgot I'd locked it,” I said as I pulled the door past myself. “Oh, hey Eryck. What’s up?” I asked, tilting my head to the side. It wasn't often I got many visitors in one day. I thought briefly on whether or not I should train my subordinates or make them run drills, but decided they could use a bit of a break.

“I dunno. I'm kind of bored, thought I’d see what you were up to. You always seem to have something going on.” He shrugged noncommittally and I couldn't help but wonder if Seb had sent him to keep an eye on me. I imagined if he were up to something like that, Seb would've sent Nick or Katie instead, since I was closer with them.

“I like to keep busy. I find it makes the days go by faster.” I ushered Eryck in, realizing he wanted to hang out and not sure how to handle it. “I don't like to have much time to think because I tend to over think things.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Well are you busy now? Do you wanna maybe get a bite to eat?” He asked and I pointed to the pizza box on my bed.

“I ordered out. You're welcome to a slice if you want, but it's a kind of strange combination of toppings.” I sat down at my desk and watched him open the box curiously, checking out what kind of toppings I was into.

“I can't tell if this looks weird or awesome, so I think I’m going to try a piece and let my taste buds decide.” He smiled charismatically and I sat in my desk chair with a shrug and a yawn. I didn't really care what he thought of my favorite pizza, but I appreciated his honesty. Eryck chowed down though, eating a total of four slices, before apparently deciding he was full.

“Shadow, can I ask you something?” He asked, wiping pizza sauce from the corners of his mouth.

“Go for it kid,” I said, not bothering to pause the game of Tetris I'd begun while he was eating.

“How do you do it?” His question caught me off guard and I found myself choking on my own breath. I hadn't expected such a question from him. Didn't he know?
“I… kinda thought that was common knowledge, Eryck? Do you really want me to explain it to you? I mean, you've taken health classes, haven’t you?” I looked briefly to him, then away again. I wasn't exactly comfortable with the subject, partly because I was a virgin, and partly because I simply wasn't comfortable with that level of intimacy. Sometimes even thinking about it made me tense and awkward. I didn't do well in those sorts of situations, even if it was just in discussion.

“No! That’s definitely not what I meant!” Eryck laughed, but his face was beet red. Apparently my misunderstanding had embarrassed him too. “What I mean is, how do you stay so strong and not feel one once of guilt or mercy for all those people you hurt and kill? It's really admirable. I always feel guilty after I hurt or kill someone, no matter how good a fighter I am and no matter how much wrong they've done me.” He seemed to be half ashamed and half in awe of my merciless attitude. I suspected his curiosity was his main reason for paying me a visit.

“Well, I dunno really. There's no secret to it, if you were wondering. I just don't really feel those things in general. It's been that way for as long as I can remember.” It wasn't entirely a lie. For the most part, mercy and guilt weren't things that I felt. Eryck really didn't need to know about the exceptions. “Maybe it's harder for you because you're a healer, so you're naturally driven to help people,” I said with a shrug, redirecting the conversation away from myself. It wasn't necessary for him or anyone else to know about any of my feelings, and especially not the ones I felt for Stella. The ones that would make me more vulnerable than anything else.

“Hm. Maybe you’re right.” He stared up at my ceiling, probably lost in thought. There weren't any posters or decorations up there. I wasn't a big decorator, so my walls and ceiling were fairly bare. They weren't asylum bare, but I tended to prefer function over frivolity. “I just wish I could be like you. It's too much of a hassle to feel for other people, or to feel bad for hurting them. Plus, if I didn't care, maybe Seb would like me more, like you.” I sighed and watched as he turned his attention back my way.

“No, I think to be a healer you have to care. It's an important aspect of your person. And what would we do without you? You're easily one of the best healers we have. Don't worry about what Seb thinks. You're valuable to him, but he's weird about who he'll talk to anyway. You don't really wanna be one of his favorites though; I promise. It's not as good as it sounds.” I put a hand on his shoulder as he stood, ready to usher him out the door. He nodded and sighed, seemingly defeated.

“Yeah, I guess you're right. He's just so hot and powerful. I want him to notice me and be proud.” His shoulders slumped and I smiled a little, looking at my clock again. While Eryck was talking, I'd decided that I should go for a run and do a bit of grooming before I went to the clearing and that it would help eat up some time.

“I understand that,” I said, guiding him toward the door. “I promise you'll be fine though. You're an asset to this clan. But right now, you've got to leave my room. I'm gonna go for a run. It was nice hanging out with you. Try not to worry too much about what anyone thinks about you. Cruel emotionlessness isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me.” He nodded thoughtfully and then a smile broke out across his face.

“Alright. Thanks Shadow. I feel a lot better now.” Eryck grinned at me and waved before turning and walking off. I rolled my eyes, not truly caring about Eryck's problems. I closed my door behind him and pulled up his file on my computer. After adding to the file that Eryck had a crush on Seb, I shut down my computer, closed and locked my door, and headed down to the gym. It was creeping close to six and I was trying to get rid of as much time as possible so I could see Stella. I even considered paying a visit to my mother's grave.

As I stood in front of the door to the gym, I closed my eyes and paused for a moment in thought. I quickly reached a decision and proceeded through the doors. With my mind set on running, I did just that. Ten miles and about an hour later, my mind was going crazy with things to think about. I decided that I knew what I needed to do, even if I didn't want to. I wandered out of the gym and out of the building entirely. Once outside, I took a deep breath of the semi-fresh New York air and was suddenly more awake and aware than I had been all day and my decision was reaffirmed. I needed to talk to the only person who would be able to help. With my decision made, I turned and sprinted north. It was time for me to talk to my mother.

The air around the cemetery always seemed to be colder and stiller than anywhere else. I closed my eyes and sighed as I made my way through the front gate. It was a small cemetery, quiet and not well looked after, but it was enough. I went there any time I had too much on my mind. Even though I was young when I killed her, mother always understood my problems. I had never been shown more kindness than what she had shown me. I walked through the rows of headstones without hurry. This was no place to be in a rush. Finally, the one I came to see appeared before my eyes. I kneeled at her grave and placed the bouquet of fall flowers I’d brought for her between the headstone and myself.

“Hello mother,” I whispered, my head still bowed. “I know it's been a few months and I'm sorry, I'm just very busy.” I paused and it grew silent, not that I'd expected her to respond. I sat there for a long while, running my fingers over the name, which was etched deep into the stone that I'd picked out myself only two years prior.

“I've met a girl,” I said finally, not exactly comfortable with the way the words felt in my mouth. “I really think you would like her. She’s extremely compassionate and sweet, just like you always were. Her name is Stella. She’s really bright too. I wish you could have met her.” I sighed and stared hard at the headstone. I sometimes missed my mother greatly, even to the point of regretting killing her, but when I thought back about it, there was nothing to regret. What I did was for the better. My mother was one of the only people to show me any kindness throughout my entire life.

“I hate that I feel so strongly about her. I really wish I didn't, that I could've just forgotten about her, but she's on my mind all the time. She's… kind of fantastic really, though it would be nice if I could get her off my mind from time to time.” I sat in silence and remembered the last time I saw my mother face to face. It was coming up on the eleventh anniversary of the day I killed her. Her face that day was not how I liked to remember her, but it was the way I did seem to remember her most often. I had taught myself to think past the gruesome sad face of my dying mother, so that I could remember how she was in life, as opposed to in death. In life, my mother was a beautiful and vibrant person. She was a bit shy and reserved, but when I was young, she was my life.

No one knew about my mother or about the deep love I had for her. As far as I was concerned, no one even knew I had a mother. It was just another thing I liked to keep to myself. I did care deeply about my mother though, I always had. Killing her was something I was sure no one would understand. It was something that I did to save her.

“I wish you were here to help guide me, Mom. I miss you so much.” My breath caught in my throat and I felt as if I had swallowed a boulder. My eyes stung and my nose burned and I knew I was about to cry again. I bowed my head and shut my eyes tight. It wasn't like me to cry, even when I was at my mother’s grave. Being around Stella must've been throwing me off.

“You always knew what to say,” I murmured at the ground, willing my tears away as hard as I could, “’Oh, my sweet prince, pay no mind to what they say. They are all baka; even your father. You are no oni, or Demon, or any of those things. You are just different. Do not worry sweetheart. They all just wish to be as wonderful as you are,’” I repeated the words she’d said to me so many times while I cried into her chest as a child. As I sat there at her grave, on the verge of tears, I tried my best to imitate her soft, caring voice, but finally my voice broke and the first tears fell down my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands and for once didn't fight the sobs as they shook through me. It seemed silly, to be crying because I missed my mommy, but I didn't care what anyone else thought, not that the cemetery was busy anyway. I remembered her sweet, gentle face, set with the most delicate features I'd ever seen, and I cried harder.

“Mother, what do I do?” I dug my nails into my palms and stared at her headstone. As was to be expected, there was no response. Drawing in a deep breath, I pressed my forehead to the cold stone and closed my eyes. The feel of my mother’s headstone felt reassuring somehow, like she was there supporting me and encouraging me again. I could almost hear her whispering sweet Japanese encouragements in my ear. I stayed like that for a while, leaning into her headstone and listening to the words she would've been saying if she’d been alive. Slowly, I leaned away and reached a few fingers under my mask so I could wipe my tears away. With my other hand, I ran my fingers over her name again and smiled slightly.

“You're right,” I whispered, “I need to take the chance.” I nodded thoughtfully, then leaned forward and kissed the stone. “I love you mom.” My voice broke again as I whispered the words and I couldn't help but stand back up before I started sobbing yet again. I strode off quickly without looking back.

I made my way back to HQ at a slow pace, dragging my feet as I went; my mind was far from the clan or even the war. I spent a full hour walking back, even though the trip usually took me fifteen minutes. By the time I made it back, it was nearing close to eight. As exhausted as I was, I was relieved that it was almost time to head out to the clearing. I raced back up to my room, took a quick shower and started on my reading for English, but it wasn't long before nine rolled around and I decided to head out.

I dropped the book into a bag along with some other essentials and continued out of the building and toward the clearing. In order to avoid making myself gross from the run, I took the bus instead. I thought hard while I rode the bus, silently pondering over the image of my mother that was stuck in my head, over the words she would've said. Eventually, the bus pulled to the stop closest to the clearing. I got off without a word to the bus driver, and continued on into the forest.

As I approached the clearing, I was glad to see that everything looked like it had the night before. I smiled upon the realization that the clearing still smelled faintly of Stella, enjoying her scent in my lungs. I quickly made my way over to my favorite tree and sat, pulling out the book I was supposed to read. A couple of minutes into reading, I noticed a small black rabbit slowly creeping toward me. It seemed hesitant and nervous, which was the reaction I was used to seeing from other creatures. I reached my hand out slowly, not wanting to scare it away. I was surprised the rabbit was as close to me as it was. Most animals smelled the predator in me and stayed as far away as possible, but here was this brave and curious rabbit, willing to confront me. The soft wet nose tickled as he sniffed my outstretched hand. I chuckled a little and stroked the soft fur of his head, which was dwarfed by my hand. The brave rabbit moved closer to me and I continued to pet it, even as I returned my attention to my book. Soon enough, he was asleep. Not long after he fell asleep, I smelled something on the wind and as I looked up, I saw her entering the clearing.